Just Tryin' To Matter

Sacred Idleness??

2011-05-29T16:54:00.000-05:00

Being still and quiet is good for the soul. A quiet mind makes the voice of the Holy Spirit easier to hear. When my body is still, when I give up control and invite God into my space, we grow close. I can more discretely discern what is His voice as opposed to mine.

I think God wants us to spend time with Him in complete stillness....

I don't think He intends for us to sit idle ALL DAY long...lost...in a Deadliest Catch marathon!

OOopS! Does it count that I recognize that God gave me this day and I am utterly thankful that my weekends are no longer tied up at the hospital. So depsite the fact that I did not dedicate my idleness today to hearing the voice of God...I do give thanks to God that I now have days that I can lay in my pj's till 3p.m. and have all 3 meals with my husband. I can play with my puppies and bake brownies...

I have nowhere to be... nothing I HAVE to do...

Praise be to God!

its that time again...

2011-05-20T17:23:00.000-05:00

I HATE paying bills! It makes me anxious and frustrated then plain ol'mad! I have a goal to re-establish my pre house purchase savings just to have some dort of security blanket in the light of our current economic crisis. But alas, each month I am left with just enough. I pray for provision and that is what I get. I have the hardest time trusting God with finances and He knows that. Is it selfish of me to ask for more... for left overs??

Well anyway...here goes nothing... big-deep-breath...I'm off to pay bills in an anxiety free manner. I am resigned to not be angry at the very small balance left over....

THE.END...

its coming up babies!

2011-05-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

This is a busy spring and its about to get busier. I have several important people who are all expecting...and the babies are about to being their arrival parade in just a few days! My good friend Jaime is expecting her first child John...in one week exactly! I wish her the safest, quickest, easiet delivery! I pray for the doctors and nurses taking care of baby John. I can't wait to meet him!

My sister in law is also expecting in June so Chris and I will be an aunt and uncle. Brayden is due June 28. I can't wait to see my husband with a baby... hopefully a sign of what's to come.

Finally my best friend Kimberly is also expecting a little one. Her Little Man (also named Brayden) is scheduled to arrive in mid July. I am so excited about this baby. All who know Kimberly and Wes were never really sure they would ever have kids (by choice). SO imagine our delight when after 8 years of marriage... they decided to give parenthood a try! Kimberly and I have been through every major life event together so this is so special to be a part of another momentous occasion!

So of course with all these other folks having babies... can you imagine the baby fever coursing thru my veins??? we are trying to be patient and smart about the timing of starting a famliy of our own...with Chris in school and the economy the way it is... I think we'll wait a while... Until then I think I'll have plenty of other babies to practice with...

Aubrey and Chris Fiorillo

2010-11-10T19:36:00.002-06:00

Chris and I were married November 5, 2010 in a small ceremony surrounded by our friends and family. Here are a few photos...

Click here to view this photo book larger

Anticipation....

2010-09-06T14:46:00.004-05:00

I've decided I don't like it! AT ALL!! I can't stand surprises...unless its a total surprise and I don't see it coming. Christmas presents under the tree taunt me, waiting to hear good or bad news drives me crazy. At work, when things are about to go bad with a patient, I hate waiting for it to happen. I don't know what to do with my self while I wait. Not knowing what's to come makes my mind race with possible outcomes and or plans of action I might need to take. I can't sleep, I can't think, I wonder, worry and stew over what might or might not be/happen... Anticipation is not good for me (and a recent discovery, my health either)!

Right now my life is full of anticipation. In 24 days I close on my house. But first I'm waiting to see if I save enough for the down payment and closing costs. So between each paycheck, I DIE waiting to see if I've made enough. I'm waiting...simply waiting to move. I am excited and CANNOT wait to live in my house. In the meantime, my time and head are filled with anticipating the move... switching utilities, changing my address, hiring movers, packing, settling things with my apartment folks. I'm getting married. OF COURSE I'm excited but my again my head is spinning while I wait. And then there's work which I think is the biggest thing that's getting to me. All the previously mentioned activities/festivities require money, money, money.

My job these days is not going well at all. Currently my unit is closed meaning I don't exactly have a place to work.(this is the 5th time since May) Because I am full time, I am usually guaranteed my hours but the census all over the hospital is low so that's not been happening. So everyday that I'm scheduled to work, I have to wait to find out if I actually do get to work. Hence the added anticipation of whether or not my paycheck will be enough (and the cycle continues).

So now with all the anticipation of the house and wedding, I find myself looking for a new job. One that will lessen the fear of not making enough money. I have a few leads but as this is a holiday, I can't truly pursue anything until tomorrow. SO again I wait.

I am praying so hard to trust that God will provide for me. I think He might be having a hard time getting through to me. I know (with my head) that He is capable and wants nothing more than to take care of me. I'm just having a hard time believing with my heart. But I'm trying. I'm praying for peace of mind and a calm spirit so that I can hear and feel where I am being lead. I know He has good things in store for me and my life. I just need to be patient and wait for them to happen. (there I go waiting again) I have to remember that it's God time schedule and not mine. So I'm going to trust and wait on the Lord. I am going to boldly trust Him with my life. I just hope He forgives my accidental mistrust.

THE COUNTDOWN IS ONNNN!!!!

2010-09-01T15:53:00.002-05:00

So in exactly 29 days i will be signing my life away and officially purchasing my house! I can't believe the time has come!!!! I am so excited! Just let keep our fingers crossed that my unit stays open and I work all the days I have scheduled!

I am on the schedule tonight and so far the unit is open so I'm off to go get ready! Good day folks...good day!

Hope everyone else is having a good day!

2010-08-31T23:52:00.003-05:00

This weekend was monumental! My mom and grandmother (my closest family members) met my in-laws this weekend. EVERY.SINGLE.IN-LAW. It was a monumental SUCCESS!!!! My grandmother has the tendency to tire out easily and my mom has the tendency to shy away from loud people and big crowds. The potential for disaster was fairly high. Half of Chris' family is old, mint-julep SOUTHERN and the other is loud, vocal Italian-Italian... you know the kind Jersey, pasta, everybody loves Mama.... Anyway... needless to say there are a LOT of characters on his side. Its like if the Cake Boss (TLC... watch it if you haven't) met Steele Magnolias. Big personalities with big volumes and I love every minute of it. I was worried though, that my mom would be shy and my grandmother would be too tired but from the moment they arrived, they loved every moment of everyday too!!!

His family lives in Plains, GA. Its pretty much like Mayberry(no exaggeration). It's the home of Jimmy Carter, the 39th President of the United States.... and peanuts. History abounds, charm oozes from every storefront and around every corner is someone related to Chris' mom's in some shape or form. In 2.5 days we stayed and 37 meals we ate, we managed to meet, eat with and hear at least 2 embarrassing stories about each family member with the exception of a sister-in-law and a wayward brother. We laughed and ate and laughed and ate some more. We visited every Jimmy Carter exhibit known to man. Much to my surprise, my grandmother kept up. And mom didn't once feel the need to retreat into herself. There was never lack for conversation nor was there any awkwardness. In fact my grandmother said she never felt more rested or rejuvenated after a vacation. She's still talking about what a good time she had.

I am so relieved that everyone likes everyone! I felt the beginnings of traditions forming. I see us ALL getting together for holidays, birthdays and just because. I can't wait for our kids to grow up in the love and acceptance I felt as we sat around the dinner table. It feels like we've always been family. We fit and it feels like home.

what a good weekend!!!!

2010-08-26T06:14:00.002-05:00

I am absolutely, positively, in-my-bones exhausted! I have had the most emotional week this week. And its only Thursday...6 a.m. on Thursday.

I've been building a house as everyone knows. AND planning a wedding... So with both of those things comes the need for lots of money. I've been working like my life depends on it for several months now, putting EVERY un-allotted penny into savings. I've gone without...you should see my hair and my toes! The usually freshly painted piggies are naked and my heels are beginning to feel like sandpaper (how that's possible when my feet are constantly in shoes is beyond me). Don't get me started on the 2 shades darker roots that are making their way to my ears...and the grey hair!!!!! My WORD!

I'm at the home stretch with saving for my house. I've got just a little more money to save but the couple of extra shifts at work should tie up loose ends and even allow for a hefty down payment on the weding cruise. EXCEPT....... my unit at work closed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But wait, mine isn't the only one. There are 2 ICU's that have indefintely shut down!

My hospital has become very budget conscious lately and the powers that be are going to extreme measures to get back into the black. The nurses are taking a huge hit. I have no idea when I'll be able to work a full schedule. I've been lucky the past couple of days and have picked up some of my shifts in another unit. I was informed though that I can't keep doing that for several reasons. 1. I have to be available for my unit in case it re-opens despite the fact that there are no plans for that, 2. Other nurses (who's units have closed or who actually belong to the open units) can work too.

On top of not knowing when I'm going to work, I used up all my PTO (vacation time) because A. this isn't the first time this has happened, B. I was sick several months back and had to miss some work, C. I wasn't able to work a few days this closing so I had to use what was left.

I'm so conflicted! I have so many financial demands right now. I am scared to DEATH that I'm not going to be able to keep up and I'm going to lose what I've been working so hard for. I've been looking at job options available out there. The search has been dismal at best. I've always wanted to do what I'm doing now. The thought of starting something new...especially right now, is daunting. I can't imagine being another kind of nurse. I've toyed with the idea of going back to school but now is also not a good time. With Chris being in school and taking on a new mortage, I think that would be taking on too much.

I'm tryin to stay positive. I'm praying that the unit will re-open and I can resume work as usual. It's so hard to have faith that things are going to be ok with the obstacles seem insurrmountable. But I guess that's when you need faith the most...

On a different note...my mom and grandmother are meeting the in-laws this weekend. We're all driving over to GA to spend some quality time with one another before we all become hitched. It should be fun. I like my in-laws. I think I lucked out. I could use some time away to forget about work or lack thereof. Should be fun! I'll let ya know how it goes!

2010-08-19T04:06:00.003-05:00

Chris and I went to our house at midnight tonight on a whim. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! It already... bare walls, empty rooms and all...feels like home. We were talking about where furniture will fit, what pictures I want where. I can't wait to bring it to life! I could feel us living there... married... cooking dinner, paying bills, entertaining friends, the whole 9! I have wanted this for so long. THIS! This house, this man, this life! I can't believe I am watching my dreams come into fruition! I am so blessed! I can't wait to see where life takes us!

Wedding plans are starting to take shape. We decided to hop on a boat and get married on an island somewhere. Well, not just anywhere. More specifically St Thomas in the Virgin Islands. Its turning out to be the best idea we could've come up with. Its the most cost effective since Chris is in school and only working part time. It allows us to get married and go on a honeymoon all at once. It looks like we're going to set sail March 20th and I think that makes our wedding day March 23rd. Little known fact is our wedding date will be exactly our 2 year anniversary of reuniting. YAY how sweet huh???

So its been a while since I posted pics of my house so I'll close with one....the final product...I am so proud of her!

House house and more house

2010-06-24T23:57:00.003-05:00

So here's the latest development with my house....

The livingroom from the front door. You can see into the kitchen and dining area.
The dining area from the kitchen

Down the front hallway into an exra bedroom

I'll have electricity one day!

...and water

My garden tub!!!!

The roof is shingled!

The siding is going up...it won't be that color though

The other side is waiting...

The windows are in!!!

So that's it for now. More to come soon! Stay tuned!

Sunday Slideshow

2010-06-20T22:37:00.004-05:00

Its been a whole 8 days since the last blog about my house. What a difference 8 days can make! Here's an update in pictures....

The foundation
Looking down on the foundation from the back
Literally 1 day after the foundation was poured, I found this
And then 1 day after that...
And then.....

From the side
The back

I cannot believe how fast this house is being built! I am more and more excited to start my life living in it! More updates to come! Stay tuned!

Random at 4a.m.

2010-06-13T03:59:00.002-05:00

Because night shift is a different beast altogether, I am up at 4a.m. with a few random things on my mind....

1. MY HAIR! Oh my for the love of Pete I need a hair cut!!!! It's been 3 months! I usually get it done every 4 weeks or so but thanks to Shingles on my face and scalp... we're at an all time high! No worries! Thursday's the day! Only 5 days but who's counting????

2. We have dog company at my house. My roommate is dog sitting. I must say I love this dog! He is WIRED and little and DOESN'T SHED!!!!! PERFECT!

3. I saw Carrie Underwood last night. Awesome Show. I was struck though by the CONSTANT stream of folks walking back and forth from Lord knows where during the performance! When did it become ok to a. not pay attention to someone FAMOUS performing her heart out for you and b. to disturb people actually paying attention and trying to enjoy themselves by standing in their line of sight or crawling over them with your GAGGLE of children (who should be in bed in all honesty)? Just curious.

4. I have to house sit for my mother this week and have yet to pack a thing. Its 4 a.m and I'm blogging instead...I have a feeling I'm gonna be a bit rushed before work tomorrow....

With that...I think I should go to bed....

Catching up

2010-06-12T09:41:00.005-05:00

I'm such a terrible blogger! I'm gonna blame my absence on my unGODLY work schedule leaving me only time to sleep and work some more....do I sound pitiful?

I have actually had some time to do a little shopping though. HOUSE shopping that is! I've known for a while that I want a house. I'm ready to put GOBS of money toward something I OWN at the end of the day! I also just knew I wanted to move back to a bigger city, namely Birmingham. So most of my shopping was directed in that area. And Birmingham DID NOT disappoint! I found PLENTY of places I wouldn't mind living! The only thing slowing me down and stressing me out was the supply of jobs...or lack there of! As a nurse, I've taken for granted that I would always be in demand or that I could pick up and go anywhere and be able to step into a job. Not so folks, simply not so! Nursing is just like any other career out there and is just as effected by supply and demand. Needless to say, the job search at best was dismal.

My current apartment lease ends in November. So the pressure was on to find a house and a job. Added to the mix is trying to figure out how I'm going to manage a long-distance relationship. Distance doesn't usually bode well for couples, so the fear of my relationship falling apart was also in the back of my mind. Chris (my BF) is starting school here in Montgomery and is also locked into a lease of his own. We are at the stage in our relationship where marriage is definitely in our future so space is not something we want... or need.

Needless to say, I've been stressed and confused and worried. As much as I hate to admit it, I am hard wired to worry. And its only gotten worse as I've gotten older. I literally worried myself sick! After a long and very painful bout of daily headaches, indigestion and a horrible case of shingles (on my face!!!!!), I made a decision! I decided all signs were keeping me close to home. I can't, in good conscious, buy a house on a wing and a prayer that a job will follow. Commuting long term back and forth from Birmingham to Montgomery defeats that purpose of moving and is therefore, not an option. With Chris in school, our time together is limited anyway, WHY would I move so far away from him and risk NEVER seeing him? PLUS, I would be moving away from my mom and grandmother...who combined with Chris are my WORLD!!!!

Deciding to stay put, I started looking at houses in Montgomery and relunctently in my home town. Suprisingly, I found exactly what I was looking for in the last place I thought I'd find it. I have put up a valiant fight to never move back to my home town for as long as I can remember. But seeing that MY plans were only making me sick, I opted to broadend my thinking and embrace the possibility of making my old home town, my new one too. I found a new neighborhood that I fell in LOVE with! There are only about 10 houses there now with plans for about 200 more! The builders are energy conscious and build the houses "green" so to speak. I've signed a million papers including a check....and bought myself a little piece of property on a street with a cute little name and I'm building myself a little home where Chris and I will live "Happily Ever After".

Now the headaches and indestion are gone! The only sign of shingles is a scar on my forehead. I lie awake at night now wondering where I'm going to put my couch or where I'm going to hang my paintings. I don't mind that so much!

Construction has begun. Well, the beginning of construction anyyway. I've picked out colors of paint,(doesn't "Beach House" sound warm and inviting?) and granite and tile and carpet and door styles (by the way, my front door WILL be red!!!). I have signed off on every light can, every bush, and every shingle! It is supposed to take only 60 days to complete! I can't believe it! Everything is so surreal but feels so very right!

I don't have many pictures yet as there isn't much to show of my home but I'm going to show you what I've got. There will be more to come and I can't wait to show you!

This is my little patch of home. The site is being graded

This is the frame for the foundation

Contentment...or something kinda like it...

2009-09-04T00:37:00.002-05:00

My brother is always doing this thing where he waits around. He is always in a state of "about to"...about to start school, to start a business, to move out on his own; about to get serious about this girl. He's always on the look out for a better car, better clothes, better gadgets...he's always taking gifts back for a better model/version. It DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!!! He comes to me for advice about what he should do with his life and I find myself always telling him to "go for it". Whatever "it" is...whatever his ambition, I try to encourage him to get started and accomplish whatever will make him happy or get him excited about life. OR if it's a goal that's a little too lofty for reality, my advice is to be still and find happiness...or at least that all elusive contentment in where he is or what he's doing. But ALAS...he just waits. He waits just in case the timing is not right or just in case something better comes along. He doesn't commit so that he'll be ready to take that better opportunity when it arises. GRRRR....

As frustrated as I get with him, I'm finding myself not having much room to talk these days. I have been in a state of transition for quite some time. I've been in school, out of school, learning new jobs, moving around, back in school, out of school, moving, learning new jobs, moving..new jobs...see a pattern? So now I've been in one spot for a while. Things feel like they are falling into place. But now I find myself feeling a little of what my brother must feel....I'm feeling this need to find something new....I can't figure out what it is...I DETEST moving but I'm looking at houses...IN BIRMINGHAM!!!! I love what I do! I can't imagine being anything other than a nurse...a critical care/cardiac nurse. But again I'm thinking about finding something new.

I can't tell if my spirit is being stirred by God...that I'm feeling the urge to move/change because I am SUPPOSED to or if I'm just giving in to the discontentment that seems to plague others in my family. I believe in following where God leads and will GLADLY do so. I just wish He worked in neon signs and road maps! I'm not asking for much...If I am supposed to go somewhere else or do something else...great! FINE!!! Otherwise... if not, I need a little contentment or something kinda like it....

I'm getting excited!

2009-08-24T19:24:00.004-05:00

I am SOOOOOO ready for football season...can you tell? My kitchen is all decked out and my flower bed has the most adorable flag! Bring on the tailgating! A little early but..... WAAARRRR EAGLE ya'll!!!

Do we really need.......

2009-08-09T00:26:00.004-05:00

SPREADABLE BACON?????? Really folks???

maybe a sign...but for what?

2009-07-28T10:45:00.002-05:00

i just found out that my brother's girlfriend (of all people) is going to buy the house that I had my eye on.....SERIOUSLY had my eye on!!!! I'm just wondering if this is stop sign from above blocking my attempts to buy, saying I should wait....ORRRRR is it a sign saying get a move on... if I don't make a move, someone else will... hmmmm am I overthinking this... should I just jump in and hold on for the ride????

A lot on my mind...

2009-07-27T15:16:00.002-05:00

I have some big decisions on my mind right now and have no idea what to do about them...really just one that I kinda feel pulled around about...

I want to buy a house... I think. No I'm pretty sure I want to buy a house. I know the economy is kinda perfect to buy a house right now. But here's the thing. The economy is also forcing my job to cancel all contracts. I am a contract nurse. So that means I am going to lose a good portion of my income... VERY SOON! I am told that upon expiration of my contract, I will have the option to become a full time employee of my hospital or...hit the road. Becoming a full time employee is where the pay cut comes.... If administration actually holds true to their promise, I won't have to worry about a pay cut until March 2010. HOWEVER, I've heard rumor that all contracts are going to end THIS October no if's, and's or but's. (Usually, I don't pay attention to rumors but at this hospital...and especially money rumors, tend to come true... so I listen). So I'm thinking I need to delay the house hunt until I know for sure what my actual pay is going to be. I don't think it would be a good idea to base financial investments on something that is probably going to take a nose dive shortly. That being said, the problem with waiting is my lease is up at my apartment in November. That's about 4 months folks! My roommates and I have decided that all 3 of us together is not the best combo, although we love each other dearly, living together...NOT GOOD!!! But then again, I am torn because one of us benefits GREATLY from having a rent that is divided and split bills...I hate the idea of leaving this person strapped...I know how that feels. I am ready for my own space again. I want to make decisions and not worry about how it affects 2 other people. We argue a lot too and I am WAY to old for that! I know conflict is inevitable from time to time but COME ON!!! If I can have a conflict free (or greatly reduced) life... believe me I'm on board!!!

....I'm thinking about changing jobs. I LOVE LOVE LOVE bedside nursing. I HATE HATE HATE how tired it has made me and how out of touch my life has become. I NEVER get to see my family. I've lost touch with friends. I can't see my boyfriend much. I can't go to church enough to reap the benefits of having a community of faith. Working 12 hour nights (7 in a row) keeps me almost completely out of touch with the real world. I would be so sad to leave my job but my friends and family are what make my life. Having no time for them has changed me.... not for the better. So with my contract ending, I would love for it to be a transition into a new job.... one that is more in line with the rest of society. Health care in general is usually not in line with the rest of society in a 9-5 kinda way...seeing as how people usually can't predict when they are going to need our services. But I really want to be back on a schedule that will afford me more time to be with people. 9-5 kinda schedule in health care usually means something like a doctors office or outpatient services... I CANNOT imagine not working in a hospital!!!! I would die of boredom in an office I think. Home health... no thanks! So..... I don't know what to do...

I did get to go to church the other day. The sermon was about waiting on and listening to God. So that's what I'm going to do for now. I am going to try to quiet my my spirit and allow God's voice to direct me on where to go... its no fun though....just so ya know

Blizzards in March... of course

2009-03-01T17:47:00.006-06:00

Not much is blog worthy in my life these days. But the weather sure is news worthy...see for yourself

Winter Wonderland outside my house
Buster the mini snowman
Frozen palm trees...not a sight you see everyday
view from my balcony
Nothing like it...
pool side
Another aerial shot

Funny thing is, earlier this week it was a balmy 73 degrees...and yesterday we were bracing for tornados... go figure...

Oh the memories...

2008-12-21T23:25:00.003-06:00

My roommates and I had the coziest afternoon today! We got up early and baked sugar cookies and then spent HOURS loading them up with frosting and sprinkles while listening to Celine Dion belt out carols as only Celine can. It was SO much fun! My family traditionally gets together for an annual gingerbread-house-from-scratch/cookie decorating party a few days before Christmas in preparation for the upcoming feast. We would all be covered from head to toe with icing and sprinkles and usually more decorations ended up in our tummies than on the cookies. It always felt magical and perfect. Unfortunately, my family has scattered to the four corners and everyone has grown up. Jobs and distance have put a halt to our Ol' Fashion Christmas tradition. In fact it has been nearly 6 years or so since we've all been together for the holidays. Being fiercely in favor of holiday traditions, my heart has been so sad not to have our annual icing party. So today's festivites brought back the warm, fuzzy memories of my childhood... though this time around there was a lot more icing on the cookies and less on my shirt and jeans :) Again my job got in the way and I had to stop decorating WAY before I was ready. But it felt so nice to have my favorite tradition back in full swing and to share it with new folks who have quickly become a huge part of my life and dare I say, my extended family.
MMMMMM
I hope you all are feeling the warm fuzzies that the holidays bring! Be sure to honor your old traditions or create some new ones (and stick with 'em)!

Happy Monday before Christmas!

ahhhh

2008-12-12T17:01:00.002-06:00

Usually I do my hair myself. I have a hard time paying the unGODly prices at salons for a haircut and forget about getting it colored! LORDY be it costs an arm and a leg. Having said that, I also LOVE having cute hair and am usually pretty diligent about the upkeep of my hair. However, life has gotten the better of me and mine was looking pretty shabby lately. So I decided to splurge. Besides, the work it would take to get my hair into decent shape would require a little more skill and a few more hands than I have.

I made an appointment at a local, higher end salon and found what could quite possibly be Heaven right here in east Montgomery. I guess I should be ashamed that it took 3 HOURS to get my hair into shape... but it did and I'm not. I LOVED every minute of it! My stylist gave me a robe to change into (a first for me) and then spent a good bit of time finding just the right shade that made my eyes "pop". And then... this woman had hands of an angel! I kid you not! I have a very tender head. Most salon sessions are tortuous for me. Not one little baby hair misses a painful tug. Anyway, this time was different. I barely felt the comb in my hair or the stylist's hands wash, cut, dye or style my hair. It was like a 3 hour head massage!!! It was WONDERFUL!!!! The end product is nice. It the first hair cut I haven't had to make excuses for i.e. "it'll look better when it grows out a little", or "it always freaks out a little right after a new haircut". But the process was the best! It was just what the doctor ordered! I've been so stressed out lately and after a few short hours in the salon... everything seems so much better! It really does pay to pamper yourself every once in a while! I highly recommend it!

Who knew???

2008-12-10T00:07:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure if this is old news or not. Since I work such crazy hours and shifts, I am sometimes a little late with current events. BUT I just found out that Obama is a SMOKER!!!! I had no idea! I kind of look at him differently now. I read that he admits to quitting and falling off the wagon here and there. I have no doubt that the campaign trail is not the ideal serene environment one turns to when trying to rid oneself of an addiction that sends the body into the throws of anxiety-ridden withdrawals. BUT with the cost of healthcare such it is and with cigarette smoking being one of the leading contributors of heart and lung disease... I find it a bit contradictory on his part. Now don't misunderstand me. I understand the addiction and I am in no way implying that giving up nicotine is or will be easy when/if he decides to quit (and no offense to smokers out there who have attempted to quit, failed at quitting or never plan on quitting). I'm just saying that finding out he smokes kind of tarnished his glowing image I had of him. That's all. Mind you I wish him luck and hope he does decide to quit (as I wish for everyone). Great if he does but its job security for me if he doesn't ;)

Today (Wednesday) is Human Rights Day. As such there is a group out there encouraging everyone to "call in gay" to work today... not sick, gay. This is to show what an impact gays and lesbians make on the workforce and thus world at large. Uh.....Who knew?

How 'bout that randomness to perk up your day! Hope its a good one!

3 a.m. Ramblings

2008-12-09T02:29:00.003-06:00

I decided not to travel right now. I've been in turmoil about it for some time. My recruiter was having a hard time finding an assignment that would pay an hourly rate close to what I'm making now. Plus the only element of travel that appeals to me is the travel. I want, rather I NEED a vacation! So to travel at a smaller pay rate means working more and traveling less...NOT different from what I'm doing now. Where's the appeal of packing up, driving across the country to do the EXACT same thing? Doesn't exist folks!!! PLUS I was offered a better contract at my current hospital. So it looks like MGM is gonna be home for a little bit longer. :)

I forgot (in just one short year) how difficult it is to live with other people. My new roommates and I have had a few tiffs....ugh! Its childish really but there is nothing easy about being with someone nearly 24/7 adding in the special "issues" we all bring to the mix. It is STRESSFUL to say the least. We're hanging in there by whatever strings there are to hold on to...but we're hanging!

I am at a loss-yet again- for Christmas present ideas. I had VERY good intentions of starting early and being finished by now but with only 2 presents under my belt, I have failed miserably... and I have about 7 days to get it all done before I work again. The pressure's on!

There is this condition that exists in the ICU. Its called ICU psychosis. It comes on without much warning and is a nightmare for the patient and nurse not to mention the family if they happen to witness it. It happens when days and nights get mixed up and sleep patterns are severely altered. Add in anti-anxiety meds and/or pain meds and there ya go...a vicious cycle of confusion that usually ends with nurses close to a break down and a patient in some sort of restraint. Ya'll I had the CUTEST patient the other night who came down with a bad case of it and lost her EVER LOVIN' mind! She was soooo sweet about it though. Despite the inappropriateness of her behavior, it really did show the true content of her character. She was the sweetest little southern hostess. She was in her room (in the ICU) trying to serve cake to her husband and neighbors. She attempted several times to get out of bed to get the cake and even offered to make a fresh one (warm apple walnut, I believe it was). Mind you these people were not there, seeing as how it was 2 o'clock in the morning. AND one of her "dear sweet" friends, Mr. Furrow was having a terrible fit of itching and this sweet thing again, tried to get out of bed to rub him down with Witch Hazel. She just couldn't understand, for the life of her, why I wouldn't talk to these people or let her go tend to them. The cake was goin' to waste if someone didn't eat it and poor Mr. Furrow was havin' a terrible time and needed a rub down. Evidently, she saw a baby lying in water that she needed to save. (Imagine the guilt I felt in telling her she couldn't save that baby). Even in her bouts of crazy, this woman was doing her best, literally risking injury, to help her friends and loved ones. I want to be that kind of person. I want service to be second nature, so much so that even when I am 80 some-odd years old, laid up in the hospital with broken bones and have lost my mind, I'm still trying to serve cake and Witch Hazel. Today, though she was completely better. She finally got a good night's sleep and the psychosis went away. She'll be going home soon to actually serve cake for Christmas. (Hope Mr. Furrow is doing well)

Hope all is well...Christmas shopping and what-not. Happy Tuesday!

TA DA!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-03T01:18:00.004-06:00

As promised... My Christmas Tree...

Before

AfterDoesn't she clean up nice???

and a couple of close-ups

Merry Christmas!!!!!

Hmmmm...

2008-12-02T08:56:00.003-06:00

I woke up this morning with the hymn Great Is Thy Faithfulness FULL blast in my head! I think someone is trying to tell me something...about trusting Him and how things are going to work out... can't be sure but... I haven't heard/sung that hymn in quite some time so...coincidence???? I think not!

I wanted to share this picture for sometime but it was stuck on my phone while my memory card was MIA. I took this picture on my phone the other morning at work so mind you it's not great quality plus pictures NEVER do justice to the real thing BUT... It is the view from my patient's room. The sunrise was so breathtaking that I actually woke the patient up to see it. I felt she NEEDED to see it (it in fact turnout to be her last one). Several of the nurses and I stood there at the window until the sun had completely risen... unable to tear ourselves away from what we were seeing. So here it is... just imagine the colors more vibrant than you have EVER seen!

*Update* My recruiter called me yesterday after my frantic email (I wasn't able to talk to him though). He left me a message assuring me that he had plenty of positions for me. I just have to call him and let him know where I am most interested. So yay!...and EEK!!! It scares me to think of traveling across country alone. But I think I'm up for the challenge....

One Less

2008-12-01T10:42:00.004-06:00

I have one and only one apartment now. I turned in my key to my old apartment today! HOORAY! It was a bit bittersweet...it was the first place I lived totally alone...roommate free! I had all the space to myself...it was a good apartment. It will be missed...

I STILL haven't heard from the Laguna Hills hospital! I emailed my recruiter today to let him know that he needs to step things up a bit. I told him too that I would be willing to take an assignment without my friend/roommate. I can't afford to wait for us to get an assignment together...seeing as how as of Dec. 23rd...I am jobless! I've freaked a couple of times when the finality of that date sinks in. I've resorted to looking for local (and not so local) jobs just in case this travel thing doesn't work out. Honestly, I've never heard of someone having so much trouble finding an assignment. I think it's waiting around for a respiratory job and nursing job at the same facility that's causing the hold up. So I'm not going to wait anymore...and I'm SCARED!!! I'm trying to stay calm and prayerful and patient. (its not working out so well)

(Jumping subjects) It is ABSOLUTELY beautiful around here!!! Don't you think we have had the prettiest fall EVER!?! The trees around here literally look like they are on fire! The leaves are yellowish orange on the inside of the tree and change into a BRILLIANT red on the outside and when the sun shines on them it actually looks like they are glowing!!! I tend to feel closest to God when I am outside. I always feel renewed, comforted, and at peace. I can't begin to tell you what this fall has done for my spirit. Despite the stress of moving and job changes, when I look outside my window...everything feels ok. (how cheesy does that sound???)

My roommates and I are going to pick out a Christmas tree tomorrow! I am sooooo excited! Its gonna be a real one! I haven't had a real one since high school! This should be fun! I'll post pictures as soon as its up and all decorated!

Hope everyone is enjoying the season! I pray you see Him all around you...everyday!
Happy Monday!

Worried and Tired of Waiting

2008-11-25T00:50:00.004-06:00

I haven't heard anything from the California hospital and it has me worried. I'm telling myself that since we're just coming off the weekend, I should give it time....and since its almost Thanksgiving..., But I walked into work this week and saw my replacement already orienting!!! Which in essence means that when my contract is up in December, I have NO way of signing a new contract. There is no vacancy for me to fill. SO if for some reason I don't have an assignment, I'm out of a job!!!!! I am trying so hard to be patient and to keep a calm spirit about me but got bills to pay!!! I'm kinda peeved at my boss as well. I am well aware that as a contract nurse, he has no obligation to me; when my contract is up, its up. He is under no obligation to renew me. But since I've been here, um longer than he has... you would think he would have just a WEE little bit of loyalty toward me. But no, I haven't OFFICIALLY given him a notice and my contract isn't OFFICIALLY up and he has me replaced and without a job!!!!! So needless to say, I'm a little on edge. My weakest point of faith is trusting that God will take care of me financially even though He has proven himself time and time again. I've gotten used to taking care of myself over the last couple of years and I'm finding it difficult to relinquish control. Its not like bills will wait for God's timing... you know? I'm praying like crazy for patience but I'm also praying like crazy that if this is hospital is not the one God intends for me to travel to first, that He provide another one...quickly ;)I covet your prayers in this!

I've been in my new apartment for about a week now. It's been a whirlwind. I've hardly had time to notice the difference. Move-in day was as good as could be expected. And we've been unpacking boxes ever since. We finally removed the 6 foot tall x 20 foot long pile of cardboard boxes from our garage yesterday. I'm looking forward to the day when I can come home and not have to figure out where things are going to go. I've had to come up with some pretty creative storage solutions since my living space is a BIT smaller than previously. (My old apartment really spoiled me!!) This move has been good for re-evaluating my priorities. I've been reminded that material possessions are just that... material. I had a bit of a meltdown when I realized I couldn't have all my "stuff" with me at my new apartment. I didn't like that about myself. I don't want to be materialistic and selfish. I don't want to be "of this world". I was forced to take a step back and think about how important things had become in my life. I do enjoy the things I've acquired over the years don't get me wrong. Many of my things have precious memories attached. I needed to be reminded that its the memories and the life moments that are important. So once I came back to my senses, the adjustment has been much easier. I've been working this week and this weekend I have to clean my old apartment and turn in the keys and I'll be done with that place. It'll be good to be responsible for just one residence. I haven't quite gotten used to living with people again. Our schedules are all over the place at work these days since its the holidays. So hopefully soon we'll get to spend some time together.

Thanksgiving is just a few days away! I have to work but will get to spend a few hours with my family. I am so looking forward to it. I wish I had more time to spend with them but I cherish the time I have with them. I wish warm, fuzzy family gatherings for everyone! Happy Thanksgiving!

oh yeah

2008-11-21T00:37:00.002-06:00

I forgot... My recruiter sent my profile to a potential employer yesterday. Its in Laguna Hills, Ca. I am so hopeful. The hospital is looking for ICU nurses as well as Respiratory Therapists so the likelihood that my friend and I will be able to travel together is pretty good. So we're waiting to hear from the managers of the different units to see if they want us. Keep your fingers crossed! I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything!

blogless

2008-11-21T00:31:00.003-06:00

I am mind numbingly tired. I moved... it went as well as lugging boxes and furniture up a flight of stairs can go. We're still getting settled in and used to living with one another. I've had a melt down or two... it's hard to adjust when exhaustion blurs your senses.

I'll blog a more indepth blog later when I am more awake and aware and can form more coherent thoughts/sentences! Just wanted to check in.

Hope everyone is doing well!

2008-11-14T09:47:00.002-06:00

Today's the day! I sign my new lease and get the keys to my new apartment this afternoon; and with them I gain 2 new roommates! I haven't lived with anyone in a year now and in all honesty, I think I might miss my autonomy a bit. I'm excited and I love them but I've gotten used to the mine-all-mine comfort of living alone.

I whole heartily believe in 1/4 life crises. I can remember being about 25-ish and deep in the throws of trying to gain confidence as an adult, internally fighting/mourning the loss of the freedom and carefree spirit that defines a young adult, and struggling to completely define and understand who I truly am. Slowly but surely all that uncertainty fades and a real-live adult emerges and life gets better but not without tears and questions and a littel bit of sadness. It is a necessary process but it stinks to be in the middle of it. All that to say, I think my friend/roommate Rebeccah having a bit of a crisis. She is newly 26 and definitely having trouble asserting who she is and what she wants, not because she is meek and mild and the quiet sort of wall-flower girl. She truly has no idea what she wants in or from life. She is, admittingly, used to decisions being made for her and because she has been overshadowed by her siblings her whole life, she has never found her own voice. So now, she is being given the opportunity to assert herself, give her opinion, stand up for what she wants and she is finding the task a bit daunting to say the least. I am excited for her to be in this place as hard as it is. I know that on the other side of the chaos is a confident, self-assured grown-up Rebeccah. If I want anything for anybody in this world, it is for them to find their voice and feel confident enough to make it heard. I am priveledged to watch her go through this and help her along. I pray for patience through all the indecision and tears.

SO we move tomorrow. Its gonna be a long day. I pray for lots of sleep tonight and even more energy tomorrow. I'll blog tomorrow(provided my internet works) and give an update on how it went.

Happy Friday everyone!

Late night road trips...

2008-10-27T23:52:00.003-05:00

Sunday night I got a call at work from my mom. My mom rarely calls me at work so I knew something wasn't right. She called to tell me that my brother was in a car accident... in Panama City, Florida. His car was totalled and he hurt is back were the only details she had at the time. Of course my mind, being medically inclined, assumed the worst! So I left work and off we went on a 4 hour drive in the middle of the night to go find out what happened and possibly bring home a mamed memeber of our family. I knew he had been discharged so I figured he wasn't paralyzed but...still. It was THE LONGEST drive ever!!!! So we got to the hospital at around 1 a.m. to find out that he had not only hurt his back but... IT IS BROKEN!!!! He isn't paralyzed and it will heal but his back is broken!!! Its the lower part of his back and its the front part of the vertebral body so the fracture is as far away from the spinal cord as you can get if you're gonna break your back. He is obviously in a lot of pain and will be for quite some time. He will have to be in a back brace for quite some time as well. He is EXTREMELY lucky to be a. alive and b. walking around. His girlfriend was with him and got pretty banged up. No broken bones but she has a pretty bad case of whiplash. She has a few cuts and bruises... nothing that won't heal. They were pretty lucky. I covet your prayers for a speedy recovery for the both of them. I'll keep you posted on their recovery.

Random Epiphanies

2008-10-26T01:04:00.003-05:00

I'm moving in 19 or so days!!! Can i just say that I am dreading it like i dread a case of...oh let's see...diarrhea!!!!! I hate hate hate moving! Don't get me wrong, I am excited about my new apartment and the changes that will ensue. But the actual packing boxes and lugging them across town and up stairs and unpacking them... NOT my idea of a good time. It could be that in the last 12 years since I graduated high school, I have moved about as many times. My new roomies are so excited and gung ho about having friends and family all getting together and making a day out the experience.... BAHH HUMBUG is all I have to say! I think God invented big strong men with big trucks for just such occasions... who am I to deny them the opportunity to display their God given ability? And as frivolous as it sounds, I would be SO willing to pay said big strong men to do all the work for me! I think I am dreading it so badly that it is hindering my packing process... I haven't packed a THING!!!! *sigh*

I applied for my California nursing license. I have to get my fingerprints and school transcripts and ship them to the Cali state board of nursing... and voila! I'll be licensed in more than one state! I'm starting to anticipate the vulnerability of going to a new place. I have such a bubble of comfort here.... I know the doctors I work for; I know how they work, what they want and as much as you can in nursing, I know what to expect. The nurses and therapists I work with get along really well and have such a good time together...Its scary to leave my little bubble.. I'm going to miss it!

I just realized that I feel anonymous a lot of the time. I kinda think that when out of sight, I'm out of mind. I say this because a friend of mine...(friend because we work together) expressed to me that she was really disappointed that we don't hang out outside of work. She asked why i never call her to go shopping or to dinner and movies with my other friends. I honestly had no idea that she gave me second thought once we clocked out. She has such a busy life...as do a lot of my other friends.. with children and well, life. I don't know why it is so odd to me that people want to spend time with me...it just is...

So that's whats going on in my head...@ 2:30 in the a.m......

2nd blog today...

2008-10-18T13:17:00.002-05:00

Because I am the QUEEN of procrastination and my job contributes to my putting things off, I have a TON of things to do around my house. The most daunting task is going through the GI-NORMOUS pile of mail on my dining room table. I have not 1, not 2, not even 3... but S-E-V-E-N magazines to go through, 3 movies to watch and COUNTLESS credit card offers that must be shredded and thrown out....deep breath and sigh....Here's a picture of the task in front of me....

My WICKED Birthday...

2008-10-18T12:05:00.006-05:00

Ya'll I had the best birthday EVER! My mom and friend Rebeccah and I went to Atlanta to see the Broadway musical Wicked. It was in no uncertain terms.... AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is hands down my favorite musical so far... and I've seen a lot of musicals. If you've never heard of it... it is the story of the Wicked Witch of the West before we meet her in the Wizard of Oz. It is completely unexpected! I am such a fan!!!!! It is supposed to come to Birmingham in April of '09
so if you live around here and have the chance to go... DO IT!!!!!! You won't be sorry! Here are some pictures to pique your interest

good friends, good food and carving pumpkins

2008-10-06T07:42:00.005-05:00

Jeff is my best friend. We fight like cats and dogs on good days and on bad days... forget about it! He's like a brother to me honestly. We don't get to spend a lot of time together just being friends.. hanging out, watching TV, being silly, doing pointless things or having pointless conversations. This weekend was different though. We did all of those things.

Saturday we watched some really bad Auburn football. I cooked lasagna, salad, garlic bread and peach cobbler. Then... we carved pumpkins!!!! Oh SO MUCH FUN!!! Jeff had never carved a pumpkin and I, being the queen of holiday traditions, thought that was appalling and felt an URGENT need to remedy that astonishing fact. It's a bit early to display them for Halloween but I am not above re-carving new ones before then.

Sunday, we wandered around Wal-Mart grocery/whatever-we-wanted shopping. Then we baked cookies, ate ham sandwiches, flopped on the couch and watched our favorite TV show (shameless plug for Brothers and Sisters... love love love it!) and then a scary movie.

It was so good to not fight for once and just enjoy each other's company and do nothing in particular. Our lives are so busy and complicated at times, we forget to spend time just being friends.

I'm including pictures of our pumpkins. Mine is the more intricately carved one. My dad said he thinks I may have missed my calling... Thanks Dad! No more saving lives for me! I'm going to carve pumpkins for a living! HA HA!!!
Mine...a spider and it's web
Jeff's

Chatter Brained...

2008-10-04T08:55:00.002-05:00

I have this thing that I do that drives me absolutely insane and there is nothing I can seem to do to change it. I worry and I wonder way too much... I mull things over in my head and examine it from every possible angle until I end up spending days completely distracted and nights wide awake and miserable. And the crazy thing is is that what I mull over are stupid, simple things that I should already be aware of or understand...like my opinion of or feelings toward things/people. I have the hardest time admitting how I feel.... even to myself. I guess for fear of feeling completely vulnerable or out of control. Why am I not ok with feeling that way in my own head... privately? I get not wanting to feel insecure in public...for the world to see but with myself. I've known myself forever and for the most part am completely accepting of myself. Hmmmmm....I only bring this up because I am completely exhausted. I haven't slept in 3 nights. Well, at least not like I need to. And its only because I can't shut my mind up!

Girls' Night Out

2008-10-03T05:15:00.013-05:00

My friend Rebeccah's birthday was Wednesday so we thought it very fitting to have a girls' night out at our favorite restaurant.... PF Chang's. If you have never heard of it, you should IMMEDIATELY Google it and make your way to the nearest location. It is AMAZINGLY good. At first it was just going to be Beccah and myself but another good friend of mine is going through a pretty rough break up and another has been tied down to 4 kids for the past oh... 18 years and has never been, they decided to join us for a Happy-Birthday-Let's-Forget-About-Men-Hallelujah-No-Kids-Thank Goodness-We're-Finally-Off-Work! full out shindig...

We dressed up, got dolled up, found our little girl sillies and hit the road! We laughed the entire way up to Birmingham. We sang...badly... and at the top of our lungs. The ride alone was great. Just to get out of town for a little while...ahhhh! It was a bit chilly by Alabama standards but we braved the cold and sat out on the balcony looking out at the mountains.....except our view was obscured but a GI-NORMOUS ceramic horse's hiney... but it was a spectacular horse's hiney. We all ordered an adult beverage in celebration of being just that...adults! I had the BEST glass of Riesling....EVER! Its a soft, fruity white wine. YUMMY! The other girls sampled a PF Changs exclusive Plum Collins....a fruity, tropical drink of sorts. We all relaxed and laughed and ordered anything and everything we wanted. (Calories didn't count tonight) My friend Gwen (the one with 4 kids) was a blast to watch. She was like a little kid experiencing things for the first time! We had the best time forgetting about everything that has us stressed back at home.

It was the PERFECT beginning to my FAVORITE time of the year! Here are a few pictures of the night's festivities

The Girls
Our View
Rebeccah and Me
Gwen discovers lettuce wraps
Mr Pum Collins himself...
Good thing calories didn't count! Look at this Cheesecake!
Happy Birthday Beccah!
Hammin' it up for the camera

Finally

2008-10-01T04:58:00.002-05:00

Picture this.. after nearly 2 months without a microwave, I came home after a brief outing to a BRAND NEW (to me) M-I-C-R-O-W-A-V-E!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!! I felt I should cook something in it but alas since it HAS been nearly 2 months... I have no microwavable food in my house. I guess I'll have to cook something so I can nuke the leftovers...HAHA!!! Such is life but PRAISE JESUS I have my microwave back!

I finished the first round of paperwork/applications for my travel company. I'll talk with my recruiter this week and find out what's next. I have a feeling I'll have to start applying for licensure in other states...Another friend of mine wants to travel with me so there will be at least 3 of us traveling together so it sounds like this is going to be good times! We've almost narrowed down where we're going first... Reno, Nevada is looking like the front runner.

That's about it for now...Happy Wednesday ya'll!

Blog at ya later!

yep, i'm definitely psychic!

2008-09-24T16:02:00.002-05:00

As predicted, since today I needed to sleep in order to stay awake at work tonight, both the recruiter for the travel nursing agency I applied to called AND the repair men showed up to fix my microwave. I think I precicted BOTH these things would happen in yesterday's post. The repair men had WAY over a month and SEVERAL weeks where I was off and at home fully awake that they could come but... nope... today... oh well. They are here and making a mess of my kitchen which will hopefull end with a fully repaired and functioning microwave...and I can get back to making fully microwaved meals ;)

I talked at length to a recruiter for a travel company today I am excited to report. I like him and I like that he can probably place my friend and I together. So I'm pretty sure his is the company we will go with. He couldn't promise GOBS of money like other companies were claiming but the pay was comparable if not exactly what I'm making now plus tax free travel expenses and housing and benefits (health,dental and life insurance). SOOO... as long as I can continue to make what I am now...I'm cool with it. I'm more interested in the travel part of it anyway. He also explained that the compainies that offer the GOBS of money specialize in strikes so its a short term kinda thing, whereas his company offers longer term, career-in-traveling-type contracts. So I liked what he had to say and have submitted my application. I'm trudging through a barrage of skills check lists that are making me feel a bit...not A LOT under qualified... I'm excited to have a definite company and a definite recruiter and have half the process already over and done. YAY!

Oh by the way, the repair men just told me that they are going to have to come back tomorrow to work on my microwave.... OF COURSE YOU WILL!!!! UGH!

Anyway.. if off to start my work week.

Happy Wednesday!

and we wait...

2008-09-23T17:31:00.002-05:00

As predicted no one came today to fix my microwave...here's another prediction: tomorrow, while I sleep in prep for going back to work... someone will come to fix it and I won't get much sleep...we'll see.

I gave the maintenance folks a half a day before I decided to call the manager and complain. So around lunch time I called the front office but alas the manager was at lunch. So the assistant manager asked to help me (the same girl I spoke too yesterday). So instead of complain to her again, I decided to get more details about ending my lease earlier and get a final tally on how much this is going to set me back. I already have a pretty good idea and it is ugly! Anyway...she tells me that since I am moving because of my job, the manager waves the early termination fee...which folks is a savings of... drum roll please......$1400!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Um so never mind about the microwave! They can fix it... or not.... I don't care! But in the meantime...I wait. I turned in my 60 day notice to the apartment complex I'm in now so officially... I'm outta here! December 1st!

I talked to a travel agency today and got the ball rolling on applying with them. A recruiter was supposed to call me back but the receptionist told me they were having a new phone system installed and it would be several hours before i would hear back from the lady...still waiting. (see the theme?) But I was warned so no complaints. I called another recruiter but he was out of the office today. I'm sure I'll hear back from him about the same time someone comes to repair my microwave...haha! So at least there are 2 balls rolling toward my career on the road.

Let's see, what else happened today? UM... nothing to write home about. The DREADED trip to the grocery store finally happened...I decided I'm tired of food...tired of preparing it, eating it, storing it, cleaning up after it...so i got mostly meal shakes...they are easier when I work anyway. My fridge looks like a bachelor's. Its funny. I cleaned out the fridge...ya'll I had one HECK of a science experiment in there! G-R-O-S-S!!!! So I'm on my 2nd load of laundry for the day and I have plenty more domestic duties to occupy my time tonight.

I have to stay up late tonight so this may the first of several rambling blogs about nothing at all really...Hope you all had a great Tuesday!

Blog at ya later!

Its the most wonderful time....of the year!

2008-09-22T17:27:00.004-05:00

Folks I believe it is officially Fall in Alabama! I turned my computer on around 1130 this morning and to my surprise the weather icon on my desktop only read 77 degrees! UMMMM.... that's huge! Sure 'nough when I walked Harper, the heat was...well, there was no heat! The sun was shining but there was the slightest hint of cool and there was a breeze to boot! I am SOOOOO excited! I LOVE fall! It is definitely my favorite season! The leaves are beginning to turn on the trees around my neighborhood, football is on every weekend (WARRRRR EAGLE!), sweaters and jeans are on display in the store windows, Fall wreaths and Halloween decorations are replacing beach towels and sunscreen in the Target aisles! I LOVE IT! I am so excited!

I have fallen in love with a new accessory... scarves! I bought two in as many days! I bought a very lively green one that I just so happen to be wearing as I type this and a grayish-black one that has silver stripes. These aren't the keep you warm in the winter type of scarves...just the drape around your neck, wear with anything scarves. They are cute and hide a...i wouldn't say a multitude...but a few sins around the midsection. Who doesn't love that???

I'm a little disgruntled with the maintenance folks at my apartment. My microwave died when Hurricane Fay came through town...i think its been over a month now. The power flickered and when it came back on, my microwave stayed off. So I called and reported it. I was told someone would come look at it. So when no one came and the next day, I called again... I was told that it wasn't considered an emergency and someone would get to it as soon as all the "emergencies" were taken care of. Fair enough... nearly 2 weeks went by and still nothing. Not even a phone call to update me on where I am on the repair list. So another week passes and I call again and talked to a very apologetic girl who seemed appalled at my brush off and ensuing wait. I was assured it would be taken care of and still... nearly 2 weeks later... NOTHING!!! I know its just a microwave... its not entirely a big deal... lots of folks don't have microwaves... but now its about principle and I'm getting mad! OK, so I am so fired up about this so i took a minute to call the front office and GUESS WHAT??? They LOST MY WORK ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am furious!!! I have called 4 times!!!! How do you lose a work order all of a sudden when at least 2 or 3 different people all looked it up and assured me that there was indeed a work order? I'm a bit curious about that! She assured me that someone will be here tomorrow to look at it...so we'll see! GEESH!!!

Let's see. No new plans on traveling with my job. However that may change tomorrow. I am supposed to talk with a couple of recruiters tomorrow. Still thinking out west somewhere.... but there's a lot of west to pick from so who knows. I started weeding out junk from my apartment and closet. I've also started packing things away that I plan to store since I will be living with 2 other people.. mostly books. I took a BIG step and threw out old nursing school stuff! I can't believe I did it! Its like a security blanket. But i haven't even begun to refer to it in 3 years so I figure I'm ok without it.

I am turning in my 60 day notice to my apartment complex soon to let them know that I won't be renewing and in fact ending my lease early. That's scary! I am officially moving! yay!

Sorry, I know this blog is long... its been a while. I'm adding a picture of one of my new scarves. Happy Monday night! Blog at ya later!

Leatherface...

2008-09-09T23:02:00.002-05:00

I love a good tan! I feel better about myself when I have a nice glow... who doesn't? However a good tan can go awry...as is the case with my recent tanning overkill. I AM PEELING! UGH! My forehead feels unreal... like it doesn't belong to me! Its all scaly and dry... and still bright red mind you. My nose is all flaky and gross. Some sections have peeled off revealing very new, very tender, very pink skin underneath. So in addition to flaky, I have pink splotches on my nose. Unfortunately, there is no amount of lotion that makes it look any better :( There's no telling how long this will last as I'm sure I fried multiple layers of my skin. Sigh..

So again...SPF SPF SPF!!!!

Its on now!

2008-09-08T21:23:00.004-05:00

I told my boss today that I'm planning on traveling after my contract is up. This kinda makes it official! I'm still not sure of the actual date that I will leave so I was kinda worried about what I would do if I don't get a travel contract pretty soon after my hospital contract ends... he assured me that I can work PRN (as needed) at the hospital until I leave with pretty much the same schedule I'm working now. So that's a huge relief. Plus my salary will pretty much be the same. It'll be a little pay cut but I have plenty of time to save some money just in case ;)

Also, we put a security deposit on an apartment today! YAY! I'm excited about that but at the same time I did a little investigating and realized that its going to cost a little more than I was expecting to break my lease a little early... No fun! I knew it would be expensive but I was thinking only a little inconvenient. NOPE! Gotta save up for this too! OH WELL!!! I'm really excited to travel and I guess I'm willing to make a few sacrifices to do so. Plus I should get all my money back after one or two paychecks with the travel company.

So we're planning to move December 1st... my fingers are crossed that we don't hit any huge snags along the way...

I had lunch with my girls today! I've known these girls FOREVER! One of them literally since we were in diapers. Its a bit like coming home to hang out with them. We don't get to see each other much and the time we do get together is usually a quick bite thanks to crazy work/baby schedules :) But it does my heart good to spend a few minutes catching up with these ladies! (I miss you Kimberly and Steph

So I'll end with a few pictures from the AU game last Saturday and the highlight of today's lunch... Ice CEAMaaa!

1/2 of Rebeccah, Jeff and I pre-game, pre-near melting, and pre-torrential downpour

TOUCH DOWN AUBURRRRRNNNNN!!!!!

One of the offending rain clouds... don't be fooled by it's fluffy exterior. It packed a brief, but soaking punch

One of the highlights of our lunch! Asher FINALLY got his ice cream! Its he the cutest?

My Tiger Stripes...

2008-09-07T23:55:00.004-05:00

I am SO burned! Sunburned... not an all over, evenly dispersed shade of pink that will evolve into a golden brown, late summer glow. NO I am crispy fried... in patches! I have 2 random "V" shaped scald marks on my chest from the neckline of my shirt as well as the cute beads I was wearing. The back and side of my neck are a beautiful shade of FIRE RED since I had my hair in a ponytail. I have a nice farmer's tan on my arms and legs. However, it wasn't my entire leg that burned...just the tops of my knees....the ONLY part that bends...reminding me with every step that I should have remembered to take my SPF with me. My ears even have white circles on them where my cute little studs sheilded a small area from the sun. And my left wrist has a watch shaped singe mark. I can't escape the pain either. My hair just brushes the top of my shoulders where my neck is burned. It feels a bit like rubbing sandpaper on an open blister. And since I have to stand, and sit, and walk...my knees are a source of constant excruciating pain. Ya'll my knees are so tender it feels like driving needles into my leg just to apply aloe vera (the ONLY pain relieving medication i can find).

I haven't been this burned in YEARS! I think I was in 3rd grade the last time...WAY before we discovered just how important SPF is! I lathered up before I left the house but I was running late and I simply forgot to slip it into my bag. Where did I get such a toasting??? Why, the AU/So. MISS football game of course!! It felt a bit like we were sitting directly on the surface of the sun. Any hope I had of my sunscreen lasting, melted off probably 15 minutes after kick-off. So essentially I sat out in the direct mid-day sun for 4 hours straight! Um... yes I'll take skin cancer for a 100 Alex! My poor poor skin! Nothing I can do about it now but you better BELIEVE I will NEVER forget sunblock again! EVER!!!!!

We had a blast despite being boiled alive in the inferno that was Jordan-Hare Stadium... We cheered Auburn on to victory along with 81,000 of our closest friends! I'll have the memories until all the peeling stops!

WARRR EAGLE!!!!

2008-09-05T21:07:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's September already! My mom always said time flies when you get older...Man I had NO IDEA!!! I feel like it just turned 2008 and now its almost over! My days go by so fast and I have very little to show for them. OH well...

The past couple of weeks I've been apartment shopping with 2 of my best friends. We have been all over the city... in and out, up and down, both excited and unimpressed, but mostly we've been indecisive. Most of the conflict comes down to bedroom size. But the more we look, the more options we give ourselves and the longer it takes us to decide. So today the bit the bullet...We actually put in an application today to this brand spanking new complex. We are awaiting news as to whether or not we are approved. Its nerve wracking. We're still working out all the details about when we will move in and when Rebeccah and I will start traveling but the plans are definitely in the works. I'm getting more and more excited about traveling the more I think about it!

My grandmother turns 80 next week! She doesn't seem a day over...oh say 60 :) She is starting to have more and more joint problems but if i can be half as spry at 80 as she is... bring on the joint problems! I am blessed to have her in my life! Thanks be to God for her!

I'm going to the AU/So. Miss game tomorrow! YAY!!! Its an 11:30a.m. game which should prove to be hot as blue blazes but I am excited nonetheless! I'll post pictures (hopefully) later. WAR EAGLE everyone!

My vacuum is a CHAMP!!!!

2008-08-26T14:56:00.004-05:00

i just spent an hour and a half vacuuming my car. To most this may seem a little extreme but Libby (my car) had about 6 years worth of Harper hair embedded into the carpet of the trunk space and floor board. So I kinda feel an hour and a half was a breeze to remove EVERY SINGLE dog hair! Now don't get me wrong, I have vacuumed my car many times since her purchase but nothing (including the industrial strength vacuum cleaners at professional car cleaning places) has been able to extract these furry nuisances. They were NO MATCH for my mean, green Eureka bag less vacuum! THis puppy is AMAZING! Libby is now fur-less and shiny like the day I bought her! I am no longer apologetic when new folks, or even old folks who are used to her fuzzy decor, hop in for a ride. YAY!!! I know Libby feels better too! She's like a new woman.. all clean and ready to ride... now, where should we go????

rain drops, lawyer meetings and light bulbs

2008-08-25T11:03:00.002-05:00

Fay came through Saturday night dumping TONS of rain... and she's back again today doing the same thing! I love rainy days... but let me clarify. I love rainy days when I have no other plans but to stay home, chill on the couch and watch a Lifetime Television movie. There is nothing I hate more than being outdoors during a torrential downpour while trying to maintain a presentable appearance. I don't know about you but in the rain, my hair frizzes to unbelievable heights and my makeup melts to near disappearance. So imagine my frustration in having to attend a meeting this morning with the hospital attorney during the tornado warnings and blinding rainfall!! UGH!!!!

My meeting with the hospital attorney went well this morning. I think I blogged about this issue earlier. I am being sued as part of a lawsuit against the hospital I work for. I can't give a lot of details but I can tell you that my lawyer told me today that I have been ruled out as having anything to do with the reason the hospital is being sued. I had no doubt ;) It seems that the family's lawyer is just trying to get the family as much money as he can and there is no cap on how much money you can get by suing individuals like there is when you sue an organization like a hospital in general. Its a good idea... if the accusations were founded. But since they are not, my lawyer is going to file a motion on my behalf to dismiss this case. So that's good news! However, he said we may still have to present it to the judge and I may still have to sit through depositions. But that's OK. I'll do what I have to do to clear my name. All I have to say is THANK GOODNESS for accurate charting!

So since the rain has let up a bit... I ventured out to Wal-Mart because I had MAYBE 3 light bulbs in my house that were working and not nearly enough to replace them all. I decided I would try the new energy efficient ones...you know the swirly shaped light bulbs. I'm pretty excited about them. They claim to save hundreds of dollars a year on your power bill. My power bill isn't outrageous but who doesn't like to save money? So we'll see what happens. I can tell you that the light they put off is excellent! It's a bit like sitting on the sun in my apartment! WOW!!! I'll keep ya posted on my power bill savings!

So for now, I'm gonna put my frizzy hair in a ponytail, dry off, find a movie to watch, and listen to it rain... maybe I'll do some chore like laundry.. who knows.

Happy Monday!

There she BLOWS!!!

2008-08-23T10:53:00.002-05:00

I'm listening to tropical Storm Fay blow through town! I LOVE IT! I only wish it were stormier. I know that is twisted (no pun intended) But there is nothing I love more than a good stormy day. I love curling up on the couch watching the rain blow in sideways while the trees hold on for dear life! Fay is not that bad right now though. Its just kinda grey, wet and gusty outside but my fingers are crossed for more... not displaced trees and ripped up rooftops but I'm definitely hoping for more drama from mother nature!

So Happy Saturday storm watching!

to travel or not to travel...

2008-08-17T04:16:00.003-05:00

So as a nurse I have the option to stay around here and work and make pretty decent money and experience some pretty exciting things... ORRRRR I can contract myself out to other hospitals around the country/globe and make MORE money and experience exciting things in different surroundings, PLUS see the country. I've always thought that I would choose the latter of the two as my career path. During my college years I did a fair amount of moving around and now have a not so good taste in my mouth about living out of suitcases and not having one place to call home per se.

BUT... things at my current place of employment are not so good financially or administratively and I've been thinking and praying about trying my hand at travel nursing. I'm not 100% guaranteed that the hospital will renew my contract and I can't afford to live off the salary they pay full time nurses. Plus the management seems more concerned with dollar signs rather than patient care and I'm finding more and more that my values and work ethic clash with them.

However, I have some reservations about traveling. 1. My apartment. I don't want to leave my things unattended for 8-13 weeks at a time. And I don't know or trust anyone enough to sublet my apartment (and I'm not sure if my complex managers will allow it). And I don't like the idea or storing my belongings in a storage shed for who knows how long. 2. If I store my stuff, where will I come back to when I end a contract? I can't very well stay with my mom... my brother lives there and he and I do better when there is a LOT of silence and even more distance between us. 3. I'm nervous. I've gotten used to the doctors I work for and the procedures we take care of. I sorta know what I'm doing. I'm PRETTY sure health care is universal but I don't know. I'm afraid of looking dumb in someone else's playground. 4. I don't want to go by myself. plain and simple... I'm a social kinda girl and I want to do this with someone else. 5. I will miss my friends here SOOOO much. And that makes me sad enough to consider not going.

All that to get the real point of this blog. I've been talking to a friend of mine off and on about traveling together. She's on board completely but also has some of the same reservations. We've both been praying about it privately and trying to discern if now is the right time to go. I recently spoke with another nurse about traveling with us and she was interested going with us... turns out she is. Plus a friend of mine wants to get a place of his own and offered for us to share it with him so we could have a place to come home to and keep our things while we are away. So things look like they might be falling into place to go travel. There are still a lot of kinks that need to be ironed out and details that need to be planned. But the general consensus is that after the first of year, we'll shoot for all these changes. I ask for your prayers in trying to make sure this is a positive step in my life and career. God knows my concerns and I pray He will address them in no uncertain terms. He know me and knows I need CLEAR and precise road maps when it comes to directing the paths of my life. I need the courage to just take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.

I'll keep ya posted.

Catching up...

2008-08-13T02:26:00.003-05:00

I haven't written in about 2 weeks or so.. maybe longer. I've been kinda out of commission. I had a terribly emotional week at work followed by a 3 day migraine (no doubt stressed induced) companied by 4 or 5 days of insomnia. So needless to say i haven't had much to blog about. Things are going well otherwise. Nothing exciting. I am so enjoying the Olympics! I am so stinking proud of our athletes! I think I've teared up everytime I've watched a medal ceremony!

My week off hasn't been all bad. I did manage to make it to a play at the Shakespeare Theatre! WEST SIDE STORY to be exact! YAY!!! It was so good! I had the BEST seats EVER! I even saw a guy changing backstage...haha. Bonus behind the scenes footage! HAHA!

I saw Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. It was just a cute as the first one. Although WAY more despressing than I had anticipated. The ending left an opening for more. I could see Sisterhood of the Traveling Wedding Dresses on the horizon ;)

Its been raining ALL day today! The high temperature was only in the 70's today! Unbelievable for this time of the year in Alabama. I am so excited about fall. But I know this is just a tease. Just gotta enjoy it while it lasts!

I'm about to begin another 7 days on... I'm not looking forward to it at all. Things have been a little tense between the nurses I work with and we've had some really intense situations lately... the kind that stick with you. (example.. my last patient had to be defibrillated 137 times in a 24 hour period... and he walked out of the hospital!) I'm praying for enough work to stay busy but NO DRAMA!!!! No sudden train wrecks or prolonged drain circling. No combative and/or crazy folks. No demanding princesses. No out of control God complexes. Please Lord let this be an ordinary week at the "office".

I'm excited about a few things coming up on the calendar...
1. The beginning of AU football! WAARRRR EAGLE!!!
2. The start of the fall season of reality tv and reality based sitcoms! Grey's in particular
3. a trip to ATL to see the broadway production of Wicked! Happy Birthday to me!!!

To end this ho-hum blog... here's a picture of Harper trying her best to convince me that it would be in her best interst to have some of what I am eating...she almost got her point across....almost :)

BIG ol' from the belly...sigh

2008-08-01T16:26:00.003-05:00

OK so I've been awake for nearly an hour. I have to go to work tonight and I can't make myself get up and get ready. there is nothing I can say to myself that makes me want to walk through the doors of my unit. I have had another horrifyingly emotional week at work and its only my Wednesday... I have 4 more days not including tonight to go. Normally I love going to work. I love being a nurse. I love taking care of people. I love being challenged by the unexpected. I have to distance myself from my patients a lot of the times in the name of self preservation and mental alertness. I have to try to block myself from becoming too emotionally involved otherwise I would not be able to perform my sometimes unpleasant duties. However the last two weeks, I have had patients who had struck me to the core and have knocked me to my knees by their situations. I feel certain it is God speaking through them and their circumstances to teach me things about Him and myself and life in general. I recognize that and BELIEVE ME... 10-4 I'm reading loud and clear. But it's leaving me emotionally drained. All i want to do is sit and ponder or just be with my patients and my Lord. Unfortunately I have other things I have to think about at work. I have to focus. I have to be alert and on my game. I feel like I'm in a fog, a daze and on the verge of tears. While I appreciate very much the lessons God gives to me and very much want to see Him in action, I need some time to think and absorb and repair my heart. I need a break! I don't want to be disengaged at work. I feel I owe it to my patients to be able to connect to the person who quite literally sometimes hold theirs lives in their hands. But I'm going to fall apart if I keep going like this. I have got to somehow find a balance again. But no time now... I'm running late now. Sigh....chin up kid...just do whatcha gotta do.

My dog has no shame...

2008-07-29T21:27:00.002-05:00

I think my dog is an exhibitionist! Seriously! Everytime we go out for a potty break, I take her to this area that the leasing office dictates she goes to do what dogs do...and honestly if I had to do my business outdoors, I would pick a spot like this. Its behind all the buildings, there are trees everywhere, no one is ever back there, no one can see from the parking lot. Its perfect! But this girl...she just stands there and looks at me like "what?". She WILL NOT go until we walk around to the front of the comlpex, near the lake...where its wide open, cars driving by, its well lit at night, people are usually walking with their children...and there's Harper on top of the grassy knoll-ish area for all the world to see...fertilizing the landscaping! UGH! WHY WHY WHY can't she just run around back to do this? Why the production in wide open spaces? AND she HAS to pick the area where I have to clean up after her. REALLY HARPER???? REALLY? grrr...

Its impossible... who knew?

2008-07-29T08:51:00.003-05:00

Here's some randomness to get your day started. Did you know that is is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to eat 6 Saltine crackers in 1 minute? Well it is. I saw it tested! On Good Morning America, all four hosts tried it and all four failed! I never knew this NOR did I realize that this was someone's goal. Hmmm... the things you learn on early morning TV! Hope this enriched your day!

Happy Tuesday!

I HAVE to do it!!!

2008-07-28T13:04:00.004-05:00

My pantry is bare. My fridge is reduced to a few blueberries and some cheese...oh and Diet Dr. Pepper. I HAVE to go grocery shopping! And I'm fighting it tooth and nail. I HATE HATE HATE IT!!!!! I thought I was just being lazy because I drag my feet everytime my cabinets get bare. But I've realized that grocery shopping is a source of anxiety for me. If I'm anything, I'm indecisive. True to Libra form, I would much rather let other people decide and I'll just follow a long. The grocery store is one decision after another. It should be easy...I'm feeding myself. I know what I like to eat. But I am trying to add variety to my life, especially to my diet and I get tired of eating the same ol' same ol'. I'm so tired of prepackaged foods I could scream and my mind is BLANK as I try to think of something new and fresh. I'm completely overwhelmed as I wander around trying to decide what would be good... what haven't I had before... what can I cook and freeze or what will last me all week long as I work...UGH! Decisions Decisions!

But I'm starving and I can't survive on blueberries and cheese... And although my spirit COULD possibly survive on Diet Dr. Pepper alone, eventually I'm gonna need some protein...sigh. So here I go....grrrr

Stuff in my head and on my calendar.

2008-07-23T09:35:00.004-05:00

My work week goes from wednesday to wednesday so today begins a week worth of saturdays for me and I cannot tell you how glad I am for a weekend. We have hard days at work but rarely a full week of hard days. This week being the exception to the rule. I don't remember being this tired...EVER in my life. I tend to exaggerate a bit, sometimes, but HOLY COW I'm tired.

This is my plan for today...

1. Put on Pajamas or something of the sort....CHECK
2. Let Harper go potty....CHECK
3. breathe...doing it...
4...yeah that's where the list ends!

I'm doing nothing that requires ANY effort WHATSOEVER at all today... I MAY shower...I will probably eat something but past that folks... I don't wanna even think too hard.

Harper is finally legally a resident in my apartment. I had her hidden like contraband for about a week. I needed to pay the pet fee but the office is not open when I get home in the a.m. and closed when I get up to go to work. I was late coming home today so I was able to pay the fee. So yay! No fear of being busted by the bug guy or filter-changer guy.

Speaking of bug guy.... I have one...a bug guy... so tell me WHY did I find a roach chillin' on my livingroom rug the other day??? This should not be so! I pay good money for bug killing service! I expect there to be NO bugs within my bubble of existence. (again I reference the above comment about my exaggerating) But still... no bugs please! thanks!

I think I'm going to go shopping Friday. I have plans to go see West Side Story at the Alabama Shakespeare Festival this weekend. (SUPER excited!!!) The dress I'm planning to wear I think is calling out for an accessory or two.. maybe a cardigan or something of the sort. ORRRRR i might be hearing the call of a new outfit. Plus I'm nervous about something and I think retail therapy will help the situation.

I'm nervous because I got a call saying the hospital attorney wants me to attend a meeting about a lawsuit against the hospital. Apparently someone died and my name is in the chart along with a GAZILLION other people as having taken care of the patient. Now the family is suing the hospital for whatever reason so everone involved has to be interviewed. I really shouldn't be nervous. I have nothing to hide. It's just a reality check that my job is very serious. I've been told it's no big deal really, just a formality, but i've never been involved in a lawsuit before so I'm a bit on edge. The meeting is Friday @ 8 a.m. Honestly, I probably won't be able to shed any light on the subject. The patient was in our facility in 2006. Um.... I can't remember 2 days ago....much less 2006.... We'll see. But I'm thinking I'll shop to blow off steam. ;)

I want to take more pictures of my life. I wish I was creative enough to take fun random yet meaningful, storytelling type pictures. maybe I'll practice.... maybe i'll let you see... this is a random thought so don't hold me too it. but its a thought...

ok so how's that for a random blog? Here's a picture that kinda sums up work for me.. its a mess of wires and tubes and machines and chaos and it all makes sense to me. I'm beginning the "zoned out" mode in 3...2...1...

Happy Wednesday!

"life support"

caught her red handed...er...pawed

2008-07-20T08:01:00.002-05:00

So Harper has known me for about 8 years now and for the most part, she has it pretty good in life. She gets treats and squeaky toys on a pretty regular basis. She gets the occasional people-food-mixed-with-dog-food dinner. She has free reign of the house when I'm not home. There are only a couple of rules. Walking on the leash (we don't pull, we stay with Aubrey, we don't cross the street until she says so, we stop when she says) she's gotten down to a science. The furniture rule... well...She KNOWS there are 2 and only 2 places she is NOT, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, allowed. That would be my bed.... and the couch. My bed I don't worry about seeing as it is too tall for her not-so-good back legs to boost her up on. The couch though takes no effort for her at all and closely resembles the biggest dog bed you've ever seen. And since my dog thinks she deserves royal treatment, she often tests my seriousness of this rule. Its not that I want her to be uncomfortable. Hence I bought a huge pillow for her to lounge on...on the floor. I just can't stand dog hair on the furniture. Actually I LOATHE it! And I.. (what word is stronger than loathe?) the hair left on my clothes especially since I wear a lot of black. SO I have ingrained in her little brain that the couch is OFF LIMITS!!!!

That little sneak has only been with me at my new apartment, with my new couches for a week-ish. Darn if I didn't open the door this morning to find her tail LAID OUT.. PASSED OUT on my couch! I've never seen her jump so fast! I could help but laugh at the pitiful, I-know-I've-done-wrong-please-don't-kill-me look plastered on that cute little mug of hers. She was scolded but I'm not sure how effective discipline is though laughter... we'll see. I may have to resort to barricades....now i'm off to find that big roll of masking tape to de-fuzz my couch as Harper snoozes in the corner. I think she's trying to lay low. haha!

Happy Sunday!

a couple of the hardest days ever....

2008-07-19T07:23:00.004-05:00

*disclaimer* this blog is long winded so hang on...

Since I'm a nurse and since I work in a Cardiac Critical Care Unit, it should go without saying that I experience a lot of death. I have seen death in all shapes, sizes, creeds, and colors. I've seen beautiful ones where an old woman was gently eased to sleep in the arms of her sweetheart of 63 years as he whispered "wait for me at the gait baby" in her ear. I've watched a young man scream in agony, the most gut wrenching scream as his 23 yr old fiance and unborn child slipped away. I've gotten messy during CODES where the doctors and nurses have fought for hours to reverse/stop the inevitable. I've worked on people for days, keeping vigil, changes IVs, and seeing them through close calls. I've seen families wrestle with last wishes and nagging reality. I've turned off breathing machines and stopped life sustaining drips. Through it all, I've cried, been disappointed, relieved, tired, scared, mad, touched, blessed, and in the presence of God. Usually I walk away from a death feeling as though it was an effort well made; that we did all we could have possibly done or we allowed for dignity in those last moments. Never have I felt so helpless as I have the past 2 days.

I had the honor of taking care of a man with whom I, from the moment we met, felt connected to. He was homeless, had no family to speak of and was VERY sick. His personality was priceless. He was happy despite his dire situation and I could sense a peace in his spirit...kinda like he was just along for the ride. Not a care in the world it seemed, although I'm sure he had his fair share of trials and worries.

I'll try not to bore you with medical terms but just to give you an idea of how sick he was... he had what we call 3 vessel disease. This means the 3 main arteries that supply oxygenated blood to your heart muscle were occluded. It was determined that each vessel was 95% blocked meaning he need Bypass Surgery (open heart surgery). Unfortunately he also had some other health problems that made it impossible for him to have this surgery. His lungs were so stiff from years of smoking that they would not support him well enough for him to survive. There was nothing we could do. So my job was to keep him comfortable, control his pain and help him breathe. Easy enough right?

During my first night with him, we started off fine. His breathing was a bit labored but he assured me he was OK; that he normally breathed that way. He didn't seem to be distressed but I was unnerved by how hard it was for him to breathe. I kept an eye on his O2 sats and tried not to worry. Well...he didn't stay OK for long. A heart that is deprived of oxygen gets angry and wants attention and that is exactly what his did. the doctors had to place a device in his aorta to try and give his heart a break as well as supply it with more oxygen. This device requires the patient lie flat on their back and not move AT ALL. At one point his heart rate grew as high as 175 beats per minute. (normal is 60-90) His blood pressure was 60/40 (normal is 120/80). He began to experience pain and have a harder time breathing. Here's where it gets hard for me. Can you imagine lying flat on your back with your tummy (his was big) putting pressure on your already stressed lungs while your heart is beating like you've run a marathon and you have muscle cramps up and down your back and legs from not moving for over 12 hours? he was in agony. he kept reaching out for someone to hold his hand and help him through his misery. He was begging me to make his pain stop. My hands were tied. I gave him meds to slow his heart and increase his blood pressure to keep him alive but because his pressure was so low, pain medicine was out of the question. I would have killed him.

So there I stood for hours with this man at death's door, wanting peace, wanting relief, begging for help...I had everything he needed and it was just out of my reach. I felt utterly helpless and the deepest part of my core ached to help him. I felt like I was watching someone drown and I just couldn't throw the life preserver far enough. I have all the skills and medicines to save his life but I can't use them. All I could do was hold his hand, wipe the cold sweat away, and apologize to him for allowing him to suffer. I wanted desperately to do more...to do something different. After a couple of hours stifled panic, I got his pressure up enough to give him some medicine to ease the pain. Soon after I hear him calling for me. I entered the room to find a completely different man. He was smiling from ear to ear and reaching for me. "There she is!", he said. "I just wanted to tell you I feel good". "Whatever you gave me, I feel so good now". All i could do was smile through the tears. I felt better too.

My second night with him was alot different. His heart was back in "normal" rhythm. His blood pressure was unstable, but supported by medications. He slept a lot because we found a medicine that didn't effect his blood pressure. He decided to allow his death to occur naturally so there would be no heroic measures, only peace and comfort. He was scared at times though. He asked me not to leave him alone. So I sat with him and watched him sleep, catching his eye every now and again as he checked to make sure he wasn't alone. His heart and breathing began to slow at 4:30 this morning and I held his hand as it all stopped. He wasn't alone and he doesn't hurt anymore. I am relieved for him and thankful that I wasn't as helpless in the end.

my silver lining day...

2008-07-15T17:36:00.004-05:00

so here's some personal info... i woke up today feeling like my uterus was gnawing at my backbone and I truly felt like I should have a small human or something of the like for my pain and suffering... I hurt just that bad. So when a friend of mine called and suggested we have lunch together.... NO WAY!!!! was the only answer I considered... at first... I decided to put my pain aside and showered. I did my hair and make up and put on a cute sun dress in hopes I would feel better. It helped a little. We had hamburgers and frosty beverages for lunch... neither of which I have had in a very long time. (my uterine discomfort fading into a faint memory at this point). We decided the day would not be complete without a stop at the local World Market where I found the cutest necklace. Its 4 strand of orange-ish beads that scream WAR EAGLE when paired with my cute navy sun dress! YAY! (I'm feeling so ready for football season!) Well, since we were so close to a plethora of other retail venues, we felt obligated to stop by and offer our support. I found a to-die-for hand bag at Dillards and an AWESOME new mirror for my living room at Kirklands....and to top it all off... ALL ON SALE!!! Yes sir! No full price for me! As if this day couldn't get any better...cramps long gone... yummy-delish-oh-so-fattening-lunch....and sales! I'd say it turned out to be a pretty good day. I'm feeling refreshed, rejuventated and ready to face a long work week ahead. Well I wouldn't got that far but I'm definitely feeling a lot better than when I first opened my eyes...

my cutsie necklace

my cutsie new bag

my cutsie new mirror...which i'm sure will look better on the wall ;)

Its official... I have ADD

2008-07-11T15:21:00.004-05:00

I've always suspected this but in retracing the events of the past oh say... 20 minutes, I'm convinced. See what had happened was... I was reorganizing the contents of my closet, which had begun to spill out into the middle of my bathroom floor (for those of you who have seen my closet know that this is a huge feat and might resemble a small but mighty explosion). Anyway, all of a sudden I look down to realize that I was on the computer. How did that happen? I remember thinking about the salad I had for lunch today and wondering if it were really as good for me as advertized. I guess decided in the middle of cleaning that I needed to find out how many calories I had consumed...then I found myself on myspace leaving comments on my friends' pages and of course I needed to check my email which triggered the need to catch up on blogs. Somewhere in all this surfing I remembered an Aramaic phrase I wanted to learn the correct spelling and translation for so... Off I went to a website that would tell me. I realized in the middle of all this searching and researching that I was supposed to be cleaning out my closet!And so now here I am...writing a blog while talking on the phone and making a mental note of about 20 other things I need to do in the next little bit/days. My mind feels like a fly caught in a screen door... trying desperately to get somewhere but pinging out of control from one spot to the next...aaahhhhh!!!

ok... I'm closing this thing up and I am going to fold clothes and ONLY fold clothes...maybe :) we'll see how long I last!

Let's see what kinda fun brunettes have...

2008-06-28T15:39:00.004-05:00

I change my hair like I change my shoes... ALOT! I've been wanting to go brown for a while... so I did. I think I like it. Its subtle but its definitely brown. Here's a pic... excuse the expression ;)

I'm hard work...

2008-06-28T13:01:00.003-05:00

I took a nice long look at my time and energy and where I spend most of it and very little of it has to do with myself or my well being. I give up everything from time to sleep to self esteem in order to "be there" for other people... its getting me nowhere. I hate the way I feel... always tired, short tempered, sad... I'm just plain tired of not taking care of myself.

I decided to change that. I started with sleep. I can deal with a lot of things... but not when I'm tired. I committed myself to at least 8 hours of sleep a night... NO MATTER WHAT! I've had to tell people "no" in order to stay true to my committment! But its paying off. I feel so much better! I have all the benefits of sleep.. more energy, more patience, and more concentration! GO figure!

I didn't stop there. Along with sleep, the need to change the way I eat became BLARINGLY obvious. My work schedule makes it extremely difficult to eat well. I don't enjoy cooking for myself so most of what I eat comes from the cafeteria at work or a restaurant along the way... eating poorly definitely takes it toll. Truth be told it was just an excuse. So I started keeping track of what goes in my mouth and if it wasn't fresh and/or prepared at home, I wasn't going to eat it. I set a calorie limit and goals of no longer drinking soda... only water ( and the occasional green tea..i need SOME caffeine); eating mainly fruits and vegetables and making sure I get enough protein and fiber to balance everything out. THIS IS HARD!!! It takes a lot of time to THINK about what I'm eating and if the calories are worth it. I also started working out more.... sometimes its just a 30 minute walk.. but it counts. So far I've lost about 6 pounds! YAY!!! Of course I want to lose weight but more importantly I want to be healthy. I work in a place where the results of years of poor lifestyle decisions are apparent and frightening! Its not something I can afford to ignore anymore.

What a difference two weeks and a change of focus can make. Spending time...deliberate attention directed toward myself has made a world of difference. I'm making changes that effect my physical body but the mental/emotional changes that come along with them are amazing. For the first time in my life I am spending time making myself happy and I love it. I feel happier and my spirit is more at peace. I am comfortable for the first time in a long time. I'm working on not feeling guilty... I still hate telling people no. But in time... in time...

Taking care of myself is hard work but I am enjoying it! I'm starting to feel like I deserve it. I'm sure with time it'll all come a little more naturally so I'm committed to that end!

I want one.....

2008-06-26T20:22:00.003-05:00

folks I think my biological clock is ticking.... I know and am in direct contact with... count them 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! women who are pregnant or have in the last week or so, given birth. Today while I was sitting in the nail salon....I swear I saw 17 pregnant women walk past the ONLY window I had to gaze out! Not to mention grandmothers with their itty bitty granddaughters out for a stroll (no doubt to give mommy some much needed alone time), the dads taking their sons to tae kwon do (sp) down the street, and the countless parents pushing strollers in my apt. complex! I'm surrounded and I can't help but feel a little left out... I've always wanted to be a mom and I LOVE LOVE LOVE children... I just feel like my time is running out! It makes me so sad.... What's a girl to do? Sigh... maybe I'll get a puppy...

Happiness is....

2008-06-10T22:55:00.005-05:00

the beach, shopping, sea food, my mom and grandmother in a small hotel room. I spent a few days at Orange Beach this past week with my 2 favorite people in the world. We took our bathing suits, flip flops, tanks tops and shorts and left town leaving stress, bad moods and pretenses at home and just had fun. We did nothing but everything we wanted too! We began the day on the beach just as the sun was coming up. We shopped bargains at the outlet mall. We ate unGodly amounts of delicious food. And ended each day right where it began... I needed this weekend so badly. My hometown was beginning to feel like four walls closing me in. I needed to escape and remember what it feels like to spend time with people who have only love for me. I needed to see God's handy work in plain view. I needed to be out of touch for a while and concentrate on renewing my spirit. I feel like a whole new person. Amazing what a vacation can do!!!! here are just a few pictures...

Oh the boredom..

2008-06-09T01:35:00.002-05:00

I'm at work. It's 1:30 a.m. Everyone that I am responsible for is tucked in, sleeping like babies with beautiful blood pressures, chest pain free... and I am insanely bored. I am torn... to wish for something to do means someone's life has to take a turn for the worse... I CAN'T wish for that and yet there's only so much internet that I'm interested in surfing. oh dear this is a long night and I have 2 more to go in this work week!!!!! sigh!

Its hard to admit but....here goes

2008-05-29T18:26:00.002-05:00

I have always been the happy go lucky type...not a care in the world. Always a smile on my face, never-meet-a stranger social butterfly, that's me! Depression runs in my family so I've always taken pride in my anti-depressive nature. Dealing with issues came easy to me...I talk 'em out and I'm done. I've seen people close to me struggle with depression and to be quite honest, I've found myself irritated in their inability to "just get over it", to shrug it off and move on. I couldn't understand the all consuming nature of the disease.... until recently. My immunity to the disease came to an abrupt end...out of nowhere. Well maybe not exactly out of nowhere...

I've spent the last 2 years losing myself. Its tough to figure out who you are, what you believe in, and what you are about in this life but it is oh so easy to lose sight it! My college years were the best time of my life.... a gift really. I spent 5 wonderful years learning from and with some amazing children of God. I learned of Christ's love and sacrifice for me. I learned how to worship Him in church and with my life. I served His people in this country and traveled to amazing places also in the name of service. My spirit was fed and challenged everyday. I became aware of my part in the mission of spreading the gospel and dedicated my life to serving Christ to the best of my abilities. The most important thing I learned is that my life DOES NOT work when it is not completely focused on Him. I learned I needed to begin and end my day in a prayerful, seeking manner

I thought that would be an easy task to maintain. I love God and am humbled at the gifts and blessings He constantly showers me with. I never imagined it would be so easy to lose sight of it all. The past couple of years I have spent a great deal of time focusing on being good at my job, meeting new people, being a good friend to those people, setting up a place to live, etc. In being so busy, I've found myself in a very lonely, dark place. I was finding it hard to sleep despite my utter exhaustion. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I became worrisome and anxious. Old issues I had long ago given to God reared their ugly heads and refused to let me see myself as anything other than a pitiful victim unworthy of anything good in this world. I could cry if I sat still long enough. And the craziest thing is, I couldn't figure out where all this came from. Why, all of a sudden, am I so depressed? This is not like me at all!!!!

I am not prayerful anymore. I don't seek God as soon as I open my eyes anymore. I don't pray my way through ordinary days much less through days when problems arise. I used to recognize when I needed the strength of God to carry me. Trying to carry myself has made me tired and susceptible a depressive, self-degregating mindset. I've lost my worshipful, thankful spirit. I don't have a community of faith anymore to help bear my burdens and free me from myself.

So I've go to find myself again. More importantly, I've got to find my God again. I've got to find the strength to trust in Him again to carry me. I guess now is the best time, when I'm too tired to carry myself. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Service with a smile... or thru gritted teeth...

2008-05-25T07:25:00.003-05:00

I wanted to become a nurse because A.) I am infinitely fascinated with anything medical related. Just ask my poor mom who suffered through YEARS of countless t.v. shows like The Operation, Trauma: Life in the ER, Rescue 911, Mystery Diagnosis. And as I came to understand my relationship with Christ, B.) I realized my life's work MUST be dedicated to serving others. So needless to say I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job. I count it an honor to be a part of saving lives (or letting them go...whatever the case may be). My goal is to bring a sense of dignity and respect to the care I give my patients. The time patients spend in my part of the hospital is frightening and can be a bit de-humanizing if we aren't careful. I want to be a kind face or voice to my patients when their life seems to be turned upside down.

I don't know what it is.. if it is the people I've been asked to serve or if I'm off my "game" (so to speak) but lately, it has proven to be an EXTREME challenge to be in service and do it with a willing heart and spirit. I would never consider anything I do to deserve any thanks... EVER. Its a privilege. However, I'm feeling a bit taken advantage of and under estimated. I feel as though to be a nurse means my skills consist of fetching cold drinks and fluffing pillows. My education and experience stops there it seems. I'm finding it hard to turn the other cheek or bite my tongue when I'm being barked at or my intelligence insulted. In the back of my mind I realize my patients are under a great deal of stress and don't usually intend to be ugly or belittling. My patience is running thin, and I'm at times not as gracious as I should... be if at all. I'm afraid I've lost my servant's heart. Sometimes I wish I worked somewhere that actually requires me to say "May I take your order please?"

I'm not quite sure how people do it... for decades and remain beautiful, peaceful vessels of God's love. I'm thinking of Mother Teresa for example. (please don't think i'm comparing myself AT ALL) I just wonder how in the WORLD she did it??? Did she ever have those days where she completely lost it and wanted to just never go back out there? Did she ever think bad thoughts about the people she served, or was she ever glad her time with them was over? Did her smile ever secretly hide a tightly clenched jaw???

I love my job and the people I serve. i don't want to do anyting else in this world but be a nurse. Therefore, I don't want to be frustrated in doing it. I hate so much that I have days when I dread going into a patient's room, or resent a comment or request made to me. I don't want to begrudge someone else for having a bad day and taking it out on me. I want to always see my patients as children of God who deserve nothing but grace and mercy from me. My prayer is that God will guard my heart and spririt and keep my mind ever focused on the task at hand which to be Christ to them... to let Him love them through me, to speak His words, and to be His hands. I pray for God to remove any selfish ambitions and pride keeping me from selflessly serving. I need help to be slow to anger...and to be even slower to speak.

I think too that I need a vacation... that would certainly fix a bit of my frustration!! I think I'll start with a nap and take it from there.....

Pieces of Me

2008-05-24T04:45:00.004-05:00

I recently read a blog posted by a woman who described a moment she had with God that was really profound to me. She is reading a book on grieving having lost a child a little over a month ago. The author suggested breaking something as a form of therapy. It sounded absurd but she decided to give it a try anyway, more so at the urging of that still, small voice she recognizes as God's voice. God seemed to take over the therapy session as she felt led by Him to put the shattered pitcher back together again. As she pieced together the tiny shards and slivers of pottery, she began to recognize this mess of a project as her life. The pieces were the moments and memories God allowed her to experience and grow through, the places He brought her into and out of. She spent time in each memory and saw God's presence and hand at work in her life. She cried as she watched God mend her life through her own hands and a pile of boken glass. She finally pieced the pitcher back together. She found it beautiful in all its imperfection. It wasn't perfect but neither is her life. The cracks and missing pieces or her life only allow space for God to seep in and fill her... mend her.

She found a peace in her spirit she hasn't felt for quite some time. She urged her readers to do the same thing... to left God show Himself to us through our broken, beautiful lives.

I think I'm going to do this. Lately, my pitcher feels like its overflowing and not necessarily with all the abundant blessings God bestows upon me. I feel stressed most of the time in my daily life. I tend to get to focused on things that aren't going exactly as planned. I think it would do me some good to give this a try and focus my attention on the beauty of my brokenness. I have to admit this scares me a little. The intensity of the raw emotion this exercise can bring up is hard to face. The healing and relief it can bring is intimidating. I think I tend to hold on to things out of my need to be in control... to let go is frightening. So I'm working up the courage to do it. I'll let you know how it goes... stay tuned.

Apartment Life... Gotta LOVE it!

2008-05-19T11:36:00.003-05:00

I've had a little trouble sleeping this weekend... one of my friends is convinced I have something bothering me. I'm convinced I have a randomly occuring case of insomnia that tends to resolve itself as randomly as it appears. I was relieved last night to be extremely exhausted as I oozed into bed.... I just knew I was going to sleep until noon! I had no plans on my calendar today so sleeping the day away was comletely feasible. Or so i thought...

I live in an apartment and I love it... on most days. Today, however, I wish I lived underground. I was RUDELY awakened not at noon as I had hoped, but rather at 7:00 A.M.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't set my alarm....NOOOOO!!! I was RIPPED from my much needed, sorely missed, rejuvenating slumber by the deafening roar of weed wackers, leaf blowers and lawn mowers! The sweet sweet boys who keep my apartment complex prestinely manicured RUINED my plans to finally get a full night/day of sleep! Now I can't say that I blame them for getting an early start on their outdoor tasks (have you met Alabama in the spring/summer time?). But SERIOUSLY???!!!!! Couldn't they have just read my mind and miraculously realized that I desparately NEED this sleep??? Is that too much to ask??? And because my complex is not small, the whir of lawn equipment will last all day. Thus my day began at 7 a.m. instead of noon... there's a silver lining somewere, right? Wait... there is actually.. the yard work is done now so that means next week when I work, I should have plenty of opportunity for peaceful sleep! My fingers are crossed!

Trying to win against myself...

2008-05-17T06:02:00.004-05:00

I have this thing that I do that really drives me crazy... literally! I can talk myself out of most anything...I have this little voice inside my head that is my worst critic in the world and I let her win! I let her put me down to the point that I am paralyzed and give up on myself. The things she says are absurd and destructive and in my analytical mind very untrue but I believe every word she says! I can't make her shut up.I let her tell me that I am ugly, and enormous and ridiculous to think I am worthy of someone else's time or effort, much less my own. I have no idea where this voice got its start (well I kinda do) or how to permanently make it stop! I wake up with good intentions of being good to myself and within 20 minutes I have talked myself into a puddle of nothingness and hardly have the strength to get out of bed. I'm never told anyone this so it feels a bit scary but I'm hoping to sepak louder than her here. So before she has a chance to defeat my good mood, I'm going to get Harper and we're going to the park. Here's to good vs. bad. Today is mine!

ahhhh

2008-05-16T23:15:00.002-05:00

So today was one of those days that I love but I'm glad when its over because I usually ended up board out of my mind. By nature I don't sit still very well. I usually always have something to do, somewhere to go, someone to visit. every once in awhile, though i really relish a day when i have no agenda... no plans, nothing to clean, no nagging feeling of "I NEED to wash those clothes". I decided last night that I would not set the alarm and just see what happened. Now, I've done this before and been disappointed when my eyes BOLT open at 7 a.m. so my expectations started off kinda low. I woke up, again in an "all of a sudden" manner convinced it would only be 6:30-ish...No ma'am. It was (drum roll please... ) 3:30 P.M.!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe my eyes! YAY!!!! And then true to form I started feeling guilty for sleeping the day away. I decided to swallow those feelings and do whatever I wanted... including nothing at all. I started my day with some left over pizza (healthy I know), then I deep conditioned my hair while giving myself a microdermabrasion (PSA: I LOVE neutrogena's micro dermabrasion system...you should all try it!). I caught up on a week's worth of Oprah and got my much needed dose of fashion advice from Stacy and Clinton on What Not to Wear (we are indeed on a first name basis) . I fixed my internet connection and ate ice cream (low fat) out of a wine glass. So now I am watching a movie called The Perfect Man... perfect since I am looking for one such beast. I've not gotten out of my pj's all day... well except when I took a shower, only to put on a new pair. Long gone are the thoughts of laundry and dusting as well as the guilt for not doing either. I have had the most relaxing girly day imaginable!!! Today I love my life!

Life uncommon

2008-05-15T10:17:00.004-05:00

I am a nurse. I say that to remind myself that my life is not as boring as I often think it is. I have enjoyed lately reading blogs posted by friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Most of them are in the middle of some really exciting and entertaining times in their lives. Whether it's raising children or embarking on the task of reshaping their minds or bodies, everyone seems to have incredible everyday experiences that are amazingly anti-mundane. I tend to get bogged down in the mire of the day to day sluggishness of my life. I want one of the lives I read online.

God gave me this week and all it's challenges to prove that my life has some pretty cool moments too. Every moment was filled with something to monitor or a new task to perform...some fire to put out. I had one patient who's life depended my management of 9 IV drips and 3 machines. Another patient stopped breathing unexpectedly and needed to be intubated while another patient became so disoriented that he pulled out his breathing tube. I had one patient only a few years older than myself with a heart anomaly so rare his doctor had never seen someone with his condition alive. We had several patients come and go having had their "broken hearts" fixed.

There is one patient that stands out in my mind more than the others I took care of this week. He is a fairly young man, in his fifties, with the heart function of a 90-year-old. He seems to be the type of man who had to fight through every moment of his life and he wasn't giving up now. We had taken care of him many times before. This admission was not unlike the others. His heart was failing him. He was having trouble breathing and this time the medicines weren't working but he wanted us to pull out all the stops to save his life. We all knew that death was eminent if we didn't.

I've seen people fight for their lives a lot. However their motivations can be very different. I've seen people fight to stay alive for their children, or grandchildren. I've seen them simply want to prove an arrogant doctor wrong. I have seen them so in love with love with life or their spouses that they simply can't imagine being without them. I've seen others fight because they are scared... scared that there isn't anything beyond this life, scared they haven't finished their "business" here, scared that they weren't faithful enough, or scared because they don't know what they believe. I think that's where my patient was. I don't want to assume anything but his demeanor seemed fearful and angry. His spirit seemed unable to be quieted. He eventually became unresponsive and required a machine to breathe for him as well as medicines to increase his heart function and maintain a blood pressure. But soon our efforts began to exhaust themselves and his vitals began to fade. We brought his mother in to be by his side. Even while sedated he fought the breathing tube indicating his mind and spirit were still present. His mother couldn't comfort him enough and in her desparation to soothe her son as he died, she asked us to recite Psalm 23. Most of us, even though this scripture is committed to memory, couldn't utter the words. Our tears choked us into silence. I kept my eyes on him as she prayed to Our Lord to help comfort her boy. As soon as she finished, as if it were exactly what he needed, he relaxed enough and stopped fighting. I watched as the words inspired by the Lord's grace, were enough to quiet a fighting spirit, enough to fill a searching heart. Those words were enough to usher someone into a peaceful death. I witnessed a beautiful miracle. I stood in the presence of God on an ordinary day at work. How many people get to say that? My only problem is that I don't notice it enough. I complain a lot about being tired or unappreciated or mundane. Shame on me! God blesses my life with the most incredible moments where I stand face to face with Him in the most raw form. My life is indeed a life uncommon... for that I feel truly blessed.

the one where i'm sad.. for a minute

2008-05-06T18:49:00.002-05:00

I was in the middle of a pitty party where I was feeling particularly lonely when one of my friends called to wish me Happy Nurse's Day. How wonderful is God to send little pick- me- ups just when I need them... I stand corrected God

Its been quite a WHILE

2008-05-02T08:53:00.004-05:00

So yeah.. 2 years since i've posted anything.. I have excuses i promise. I've moved several times, gone back to school, become a nurse, had a computer, not had a computer, not had anything to say... had WAY too much to say. So i've just not written... But lately I've become fascinated with blogging again, mainly reading other people's blogs. I am in love with how creatively they describe their days and how easily they glean wisdom from simple moments. I've come to a time in my life where I CRAVE the wisdom of God and the serenity of dwelling in His grace and peace again. I know now more than ever that He is available in our every day.

I've noticed lately that somewhere I've lost my center. On the journey to becoming who i'm supposed to be I've lost who I was. I used to like who I was and enjoyed my own company but now I'm noticing that I've lost my smile... not just the one on my face but the one my spirit brings forth. I can remember a time when the face of God and the touch of His hand was as obvious to me as flowers in the springtime... it was that simple for me to see Him and feel His presence in my life. Now I think my life has gotten in the way of the seeing the simple things. I'm so busy waiting for big things to happen... I guess like the big miracles of the Bible that I've failed to see the smaller miracles (if miracles can be small) that surround me daily. I am feeling, now more than ever, the urge to slow down... to be still... and to see Him in the common everyday happenings. As corny as it sounds... I need to see him in the face of a child or the beauty of the sunset.. my spirit needs to pray without ceasing and be aware that His hand is in everything I do or say and that I am right where i need to be... I've gotten lost in all the bad things that have happened in my life and forgotten that God has brought me through them all. I used to have such a spirit of gratitude and surrender. Now my spirit seems broken and beaten and fighting against it all.

So i guess my point to this blog is to remember how to see God in my everyday life... good and bad. I want my thankful, calm spirit back. I think it all starts with awareness and gratitude. So that's where I'm gonna start. So thanks to all you bloggers out there who write about your own awarness of God and how He works in your life... it is such an inspriation to me!

Just wondering

2006-12-10T01:25:00.001-06:00

Do you ever wonder when the "grand scheme of things"
won't be just a scheme?

Ever wonder when whether I enjoy my next breath,
depends on whether you enjoy yours?

Ever wonder when families will no longer be endangered?

Do you ever wonder if "and justice for all"
will ever ring true?

I wonder if we'll ever trust in God
rather than our own hands;

If we'll ever see the beauty behind the masks
and far beyond the bones and pretend that make us shine.

Will you see the Light that is trying so hard to melt the mud
that molds itself into every crevice of your openness
and mine...?

Will you ever know that the creator of the stars and oceans of your world
also created those dancers in mine?

And though the rhythms we live by have different times,
are all written on the same page,
by the same hands,
the same mind,
the same love...

Do you know that the path you travel
is just an extension of mine;

And that the Great Divide that separates us
is the abscence of the Love that makes us blind...?

Don't you see that time is turnig the kaleidescope in which we live,
and you and I are the pieces and shapes and hues
that tumble and collide,
weaving a masterpiece for the Eyes above and the Minds beyond
the chaos.

When will the dying dreams and the fading somedays become
what we live and die for
in these moments we call today?

Please....just once..

2006-12-10T01:13:00.000-06:00

I'm gonna be kinda vague here just cuz... I am most certain that life is not now nor every will be fair. I've tried at times to convince myself otherwise... that everything happens for a reason (as cliche as it sounds). that the bittersweet moment that happen are bittersweet for a reason...to make the really sweet parts about life all the more, well...sweet. But frankly, I'm having a hard time believing that to be true. I'm getting pretty tired of taking all the hard knocks and let downs with a grain of salt and trying to learn from them. I'm sick of trying to find logic or wisdom from the things that hurt. I can't keep trying to make sense of the things that my mind can't fathom. I want something to be fair...just once. Something come along at the right time, for the right reason, and be a perfect fit.... and better yet be blatently obvious. Is that too much to ask????

And all of a sudden my world flipped....

2006-12-01T19:43:00.000-06:00

So I was enjoying a regular ol' day last week...I had just gotten off work, looking forward to going to bed, when someone put the brakes on the entire world as I knew it! I got an urgent messages from a friend of mine to call my roommate IMMEDIATELY. I don't normally call her at 7 a.m. for fear of waking her up early (something that should never happen under any circumstances!). But at the urgency of my friend, i called only to have her tell me to "just come home." My heart dropped to my stomach at the sound of her voice. So I hang up and drive home... my mind racing so fast, I can't comprehend the thoughts. I could tell something was drastically wrong when immediately when I walked in the door!

I NEVER in a MILLION years would have imagined what came out of her mouth! "My mom was killed".....huh? I can't tell you the sickness i felt in the pit of my stomach or how dizzy my head felt....My mind couldn't comprehend but at the same time I knew it was true. How in the WORLD could this happen!?! To top things off...it wasn't an accident that took her life. Her boyfriend, the man who claimed to love her and wanted to marry her, shot and killed her with a rifle...like some wild game he was used to hunting. He left her alone on the kitchen floor to be found by her 16 year old daughter ...the same daughter who found her grandmother dying from a heart attack just one year ago! Luckily, the guy was found later the next day and as police were moving in to arrest him, he shot and killed himself. I'm not sure if that is any sort of justice in this whole thing. The only comfort it brings right now is that a trial is not something else Chrissie has to her list of things to take care of.

So my life has been surreal for the past week and a half. I've been numb. I've been mad. I've cried more tears than I ever thought possible. My heart literally feels ripped to shreds. I've been scared, my nights are sleepless now thanks to the image of someone I called "mom" lying dead in her kitchen and the bullet holes that prove this really did happen. I've had to help plan a funeral including picking out a casket. Chrissie has had to begin the process of getting custody of her sister...so she'll be a mom soon. We are in the process of packing up her mother's house and moving it to ours. And its the holiday season!!!! This crap does NOT happen to ordinary people! I keep thinking back over all that has happened, thinking I'm looking in on someone else's life...not so! It has been unbelievable. chrissie has had to take on incredible responsibilty that NO ONE should have to do...folks she had to call and schedule her mother's homicide scene cleaned up professionally! Who has to do this stuff????

We've been asked over and over what people can do for her/us...its so hard to figure that out... or what to say. There is absolutely nothing people can say or do to make this any better...except prayer. Even that is hard right now. I do pray that God will ease Chrissie's and Amber's pain. That they will feel His arms around them, and when they don't feel Him, that they will feel the presence of their friends. I pray they can talk to God about how they feel and that He will talk back to them to comfort their hurt.

I went back to work last night after about 10 days off. It was strange. I felt upside down while everyone around me was going on with life as usual. I was completely overwhelmed... and of course my patient was in the process of dying....GREAT! So I felt myself thrust into reality...life goes on right? Not sure if I'm ready for all that. How do you go back to normal when your world is knocked off its axis??? Guess only time will tell....

The Cruise

2006-08-19T01:48:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh... I just got home from 5 days or MUCH needed R&R!!!! I went o Key West and Cozumel with 9 other people...some I knew well...others not so much... but that didn't matter as by the end...we were all best buds! I had nothing short of a magical time. The sights were beautiful, the refreshments helped me forget what I left behind... ;) i didn't think about work or bills or obligations once! I spent all dy everyday outside by the pool, in the ocean, or getting sweaty in order to cool off by the pool.. what a life! I even contemplated becoming a cruise ship nurse! how cool would that be??? I have tons of pictures (all of which need some sort of explanation due to compromising content ;))...i will post them online soon.

Isn't it true that all good things must come to an end? In my life that usually happens rather quickly, without warning so as to leave me completely dumbfounded. Such is the case with my return home. I found my cat (whom I'v have for 8 years now) very very sick. He couldn't walk, had not eaten, could barely hold his head up...i won't bore you with details but turns out he had cancer and nothing could be done.. I had to end my vacation with the death of Dakota!!!! Saddest day EVER!!!!!

Other than that...which i am still reeling from....I had an amazing time and CANNOT wait to do it again!!!

Oh how time DRAGS by....

2006-07-31T08:46:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOSH!!! I have about one week and 2 days until I leave for vacation!!!!!!!!! I haven't been on vacation in ...oh...probably 4 years! I'd say I'm a little overdue! And now its a little over a week away and it feels like time is DRAGGING by!!!!!!! It feels like being a kid waiting to go to Disney World! I am totally excited but I also have a ton to do to get ready! Why can't someone do that part for me?...my mom used to pack for vacation now its up to me...ugh...oh the perils of being an adult!

Speaking of time dragging by... the past couple of nights at work (i work in an intensive care unit, for those of you who may be new to me)...have been UNBELIEVABLY slow! I have been BORED out of my mind! I have had time to master the game of sudoku...For those of you who do know me...I cannot STAND to sit on my laurels and do nothing... so i find myself in a quandry... do i just make peace with my boredom or do i wish for something more to do? Wishing for more to do = someone is really sick and getting worse...hmmm (with much disdain) boredom it is!

my first blog :)

2006-07-28T18:27:00.000-05:00

ok so i've wanted to try this whole "blogging" thing for a while...seems like "everybody's doing it". And as a loyal fan of the band wagon... here i am. i can guarantee that this will probably offer no insite or wsdom into the true meaning of life but...maybe you'll just get a kick out of getting a little glimpse into my "inner most thoughts" or the random junk that makes me a true dork ;). so here goes nothing...

Random thought 1:

I don't know random facts about myself. I mean I do but I can't seem to recall them spontaneously. Here's what I mean: lately, I've been online a lot, you know, myspace, blogspot, etc. and in doing so I've been asked to fill out a lot of surveys containing random "about me" questions. And what I've discovered is that I don't have a list of "favorites" on tap and ready to dispense in order to define who I am. I don't know all my favorite movies, or books, or music, or my favorite food, my ideal date...is this weird? Does everybody else know these things about themselves at any given moment? Now, I do know the deeper things about me... like where my insecurities come from, how i feel about homosexuality and the church, is drinking right or wrong...you know things like that ...but ask me about whether I prefer sweet or salty and I'll have to get back to you on that. Maybe I need to make a list. I guess I should know the surface level stuff about myself too...right? I'm sure in the grand scheme of things this doesn't matter... just something i noticed. Stay tuned... more to come!