My dog has no shame...

I think my dog is an exhibitionist! Seriously! Everytime we go out for a potty break, I take her to this area that the leasing office dictates she goes to do what dogs do...and honestly if I had to do my business outdoors, I would pick a spot like this. Its behind all the buildings, there are trees everywhere, no one is ever back there, no one can see from the parking lot. Its perfect! But this girl...she just stands there and looks at me like "what?". She WILL NOT go until we walk around to the front of the comlpex, near the lake...where its wide open, cars driving by, its well lit at night, people are usually walking with their children...and there's Harper on top of the grassy knoll-ish area for all the world to see...fertilizing the landscaping! UGH! WHY WHY WHY can't she just run around back to do this? Why the production in wide open spaces? AND she HAS to pick the area where I have to clean up after her. REALLY HARPER???? REALLY? grrr...

Its impossible... who knew?

Here's some randomness to get your day started. Did you know that is is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to eat 6 Saltine crackers in 1 minute? Well it is. I saw it tested! On Good Morning America, all four hosts tried it and all four failed! I never knew this NOR did I realize that this was someone's goal. Hmmm... the things you learn on early morning TV! Hope this enriched your day!

Happy Tuesday!

I HAVE to do it!!!

My pantry is bare. My fridge is reduced to a few blueberries and some cheese...oh and Diet Dr. Pepper. I HAVE to go grocery shopping! And I'm fighting it tooth and nail. I HATE HATE HATE IT!!!!! I thought I was just being lazy because I drag my feet everytime my cabinets get bare. But I've realized that grocery shopping is a source of anxiety for me. If I'm anything, I'm indecisive. True to Libra form, I would much rather let other people decide and I'll just follow a long. The grocery store is one decision after another. It should be easy...I'm feeding myself. I know what I like to eat. But I am trying to add variety to my life, especially to my diet and I get tired of eating the same ol' same ol'. I'm so tired of prepackaged foods I could scream and my mind is BLANK as I try to think of something new and fresh. I'm completely overwhelmed as I wander around trying to decide what would be good... what haven't I had before... what can I cook and freeze or what will last me all week long as I work...UGH! Decisions Decisions!

But I'm starving and I can't survive on blueberries and cheese... And although my spirit COULD possibly survive on Diet Dr. Pepper alone, eventually I'm gonna need some protein...sigh. So here I go....grrrr

Stuff in my head and on my calendar.

My work week goes from wednesday to wednesday so today begins a week worth of saturdays for me and I cannot tell you how glad I am for a weekend. We have hard days at work but rarely a full week of hard days. This week being the exception to the rule. I don't remember being this tired...EVER in my life. I tend to exaggerate a bit, sometimes, but HOLY COW I'm tired.

This is my plan for today...

1. Put on Pajamas or something of the sort....CHECK
2. Let Harper go potty....CHECK
3. breathe...doing it...
4...yeah that's where the list ends!

I'm doing nothing that requires ANY effort WHATSOEVER at all today... I MAY shower...I will probably eat something but past that folks... I don't wanna even think too hard.

Harper is finally legally a resident in my apartment. I had her hidden like contraband for about a week. I needed to pay the pet fee but the office is not open when I get home in the a.m. and closed when I get up to go to work. I was late coming home today so I was able to pay the fee. So yay! No fear of being busted by the bug guy or filter-changer guy.

Speaking of bug guy.... I have one...a bug guy... so tell me WHY did I find a roach chillin' on my livingroom rug the other day??? This should not be so! I pay good money for bug killing service! I expect there to be NO bugs within my bubble of existence. (again I reference the above comment about my exaggerating) But still... no bugs please! thanks!

I think I'm going to go shopping Friday. I have plans to go see West Side Story at the Alabama Shakespeare Festival this weekend. (SUPER excited!!!) The dress I'm planning to wear I think is calling out for an accessory or two.. maybe a cardigan or something of the sort. ORRRRR i might be hearing the call of a new outfit. Plus I'm nervous about something and I think retail therapy will help the situation.

I'm nervous because I got a call saying the hospital attorney wants me to attend a meeting about a lawsuit against the hospital. Apparently someone died and my name is in the chart along with a GAZILLION other people as having taken care of the patient. Now the family is suing the hospital for whatever reason so everone involved has to be interviewed. I really shouldn't be nervous. I have nothing to hide. It's just a reality check that my job is very serious. I've been told it's no big deal really, just a formality, but i've never been involved in a lawsuit before so I'm a bit on edge. The meeting is Friday @ 8 a.m. Honestly, I probably won't be able to shed any light on the subject. The patient was in our facility in 2006. Um.... I can't remember 2 days ago....much less 2006.... We'll see. But I'm thinking I'll shop to blow off steam. ;)

I want to take more pictures of my life. I wish I was creative enough to take fun random yet meaningful, storytelling type pictures. maybe I'll practice.... maybe i'll let you see... this is a random thought so don't hold me too it. but its a thought...

ok so how's that for a random blog? Here's a picture that kinda sums up work for me.. its a mess of wires and tubes and machines and chaos and it all makes sense to me. I'm beginning the "zoned out" mode in 3...2...1...

Happy Wednesday!




"life support"

caught her red handed...er...pawed

So Harper has known me for about 8 years now and for the most part, she has it pretty good in life. She gets treats and squeaky toys on a pretty regular basis. She gets the occasional people-food-mixed-with-dog-food dinner. She has free reign of the house when I'm not home. There are only a couple of rules. Walking on the leash (we don't pull, we stay with Aubrey, we don't cross the street until she says so, we stop when she says) she's gotten down to a science. The furniture rule... well...She KNOWS there are 2 and only 2 places she is NOT, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, allowed. That would be my bed.... and the couch. My bed I don't worry about seeing as it is too tall for her not-so-good back legs to boost her up on. The couch though takes no effort for her at all and closely resembles the biggest dog bed you've ever seen. And since my dog thinks she deserves royal treatment, she often tests my seriousness of this rule. Its not that I want her to be uncomfortable. Hence I bought a huge pillow for her to lounge on...on the floor. I just can't stand dog hair on the furniture. Actually I LOATHE it! And I.. (what word is stronger than loathe?) the hair left on my clothes especially since I wear a lot of black. SO I have ingrained in her little brain that the couch is OFF LIMITS!!!!

That little sneak has only been with me at my new apartment, with my new couches for a week-ish. Darn if I didn't open the door this morning to find her tail LAID OUT.. PASSED OUT on my couch! I've never seen her jump so fast! I could help but laugh at the pitiful, I-know-I've-done-wrong-please-don't-kill-me look plastered on that cute little mug of hers. She was scolded but I'm not sure how effective discipline is though laughter... we'll see. I may have to resort to barricades....now i'm off to find that big roll of masking tape to de-fuzz my couch as Harper snoozes in the corner. I think she's trying to lay low. haha!

Happy Sunday!

a couple of the hardest days ever....

*disclaimer* this blog is long winded so hang on...

Since I'm a nurse and since I work in a Cardiac Critical Care Unit, it should go without saying that I experience a lot of death. I have seen death in all shapes, sizes, creeds, and colors. I've seen beautiful ones where an old woman was gently eased to sleep in the arms of her sweetheart of 63 years as he whispered "wait for me at the gait baby" in her ear. I've watched a young man scream in agony, the most gut wrenching scream as his 23 yr old fiance and unborn child slipped away. I've gotten messy during CODES where the doctors and nurses have fought for hours to reverse/stop the inevitable. I've worked on people for days, keeping vigil, changes IVs, and seeing them through close calls. I've seen families wrestle with last wishes and nagging reality. I've turned off breathing machines and stopped life sustaining drips. Through it all, I've cried, been disappointed, relieved, tired, scared, mad, touched, blessed, and in the presence of God. Usually I walk away from a death feeling as though it was an effort well made; that we did all we could have possibly done or we allowed for dignity in those last moments. Never have I felt so helpless as I have the past 2 days.

I had the honor of taking care of a man with whom I, from the moment we met, felt connected to. He was homeless, had no family to speak of and was VERY sick. His personality was priceless. He was happy despite his dire situation and I could sense a peace in his spirit...kinda like he was just along for the ride. Not a care in the world it seemed, although I'm sure he had his fair share of trials and worries.

I'll try not to bore you with medical terms but just to give you an idea of how sick he was... he had what we call 3 vessel disease. This means the 3 main arteries that supply oxygenated blood to your heart muscle were occluded. It was determined that each vessel was 95% blocked meaning he need Bypass Surgery (open heart surgery). Unfortunately he also had some other health problems that made it impossible for him to have this surgery. His lungs were so stiff from years of smoking that they would not support him well enough for him to survive. There was nothing we could do. So my job was to keep him comfortable, control his pain and help him breathe. Easy enough right?

During my first night with him, we started off fine. His breathing was a bit labored but he assured me he was OK; that he normally breathed that way. He didn't seem to be distressed but I was unnerved by how hard it was for him to breathe. I kept an eye on his O2 sats and tried not to worry. Well...he didn't stay OK for long. A heart that is deprived of oxygen gets angry and wants attention and that is exactly what his did. the doctors had to place a device in his aorta to try and give his heart a break as well as supply it with more oxygen. This device requires the patient lie flat on their back and not move AT ALL. At one point his heart rate grew as high as 175 beats per minute. (normal is 60-90) His blood pressure was 60/40 (normal is 120/80). He began to experience pain and have a harder time breathing. Here's where it gets hard for me. Can you imagine lying flat on your back with your tummy (his was big) putting pressure on your already stressed lungs while your heart is beating like you've run a marathon and you have muscle cramps up and down your back and legs from not moving for over 12 hours? he was in agony. he kept reaching out for someone to hold his hand and help him through his misery. He was begging me to make his pain stop. My hands were tied. I gave him meds to slow his heart and increase his blood pressure to keep him alive but because his pressure was so low, pain medicine was out of the question. I would have killed him.

So there I stood for hours with this man at death's door, wanting peace, wanting relief, begging for help...I had everything he needed and it was just out of my reach. I felt utterly helpless and the deepest part of my core ached to help him. I felt like I was watching someone drown and I just couldn't throw the life preserver far enough. I have all the skills and medicines to save his life but I can't use them. All I could do was hold his hand, wipe the cold sweat away, and apologize to him for allowing him to suffer. I wanted desperately to do more...to do something different. After a couple of hours stifled panic, I got his pressure up enough to give him some medicine to ease the pain. Soon after I hear him calling for me. I entered the room to find a completely different man. He was smiling from ear to ear and reaching for me. "There she is!", he said. "I just wanted to tell you I feel good". "Whatever you gave me, I feel so good now". All i could do was smile through the tears. I felt better too.

My second night with him was alot different. His heart was back in "normal" rhythm. His blood pressure was unstable, but supported by medications. He slept a lot because we found a medicine that didn't effect his blood pressure. He decided to allow his death to occur naturally so there would be no heroic measures, only peace and comfort. He was scared at times though. He asked me not to leave him alone. So I sat with him and watched him sleep, catching his eye every now and again as he checked to make sure he wasn't alone. His heart and breathing began to slow at 4:30 this morning and I held his hand as it all stopped. He wasn't alone and he doesn't hurt anymore. I am relieved for him and thankful that I wasn't as helpless in the end.

my silver lining day...

so here's some personal info... i woke up today feeling like my uterus was gnawing at my backbone and I truly felt like I should have a small human or something of the like for my pain and suffering... I hurt just that bad. So when a friend of mine called and suggested we have lunch together.... NO WAY!!!! was the only answer I considered... at first... I decided to put my pain aside and showered. I did my hair and make up and put on a cute sun dress in hopes I would feel better. It helped a little. We had hamburgers and frosty beverages for lunch... neither of which I have had in a very long time. (my uterine discomfort fading into a faint memory at this point). We decided the day would not be complete without a stop at the local World Market where I found the cutest necklace. Its 4 strand of orange-ish beads that scream WAR EAGLE when paired with my cute navy sun dress! YAY! (I'm feeling so ready for football season!) Well, since we were so close to a plethora of other retail venues, we felt obligated to stop by and offer our support. I found a to-die-for hand bag at Dillards and an AWESOME new mirror for my living room at Kirklands....and to top it all off... ALL ON SALE!!! Yes sir! No full price for me! As if this day couldn't get any better...cramps long gone... yummy-delish-oh-so-fattening-lunch....and sales! I'd say it turned out to be a pretty good day. I'm feeling refreshed, rejuventated and ready to face a long work week ahead. Well I wouldn't got that far but I'm definitely feeling a lot better than when I first opened my eyes...


my cutsie necklace

my cutsie new bag

my cutsie new mirror...which i'm sure will look better on the wall ;)

Its official... I have ADD

I've always suspected this but in retracing the events of the past oh say... 20 minutes, I'm convinced. See what had happened was... I was reorganizing the contents of my closet, which had begun to spill out into the middle of my bathroom floor (for those of you who have seen my closet know that this is a huge feat and might resemble a small but mighty explosion). Anyway, all of a sudden I look down to realize that I was on the computer. How did that happen? I remember thinking about the salad I had for lunch today and wondering if it were really as good for me as advertized. I guess decided in the middle of cleaning that I needed to find out how many calories I had consumed...then I found myself on myspace leaving comments on my friends' pages and of course I needed to check my email which triggered the need to catch up on blogs. Somewhere in all this surfing I remembered an Aramaic phrase I wanted to learn the correct spelling and translation for so... Off I went to a website that would tell me. I realized in the middle of all this searching and researching that I was supposed to be cleaning out my closet!And so now here I am...writing a blog while talking on the phone and making a mental note of about 20 other things I need to do in the next little bit/days. My mind feels like a fly caught in a screen door... trying desperately to get somewhere but pinging out of control from one spot to the next...aaahhhhh!!!

ok... I'm closing this thing up and I am going to fold clothes and ONLY fold clothes...maybe :) we'll see how long I last!

Let's see what kinda fun brunettes have...

I change my hair like I change my shoes... ALOT! I've been wanting to go brown for a while... so I did. I think I like it. Its subtle but its definitely brown. Here's a pic... excuse the expression ;)

I'm hard work...

I took a nice long look at my time and energy and where I spend most of it and very little of it has to do with myself or my well being. I give up everything from time to sleep to self esteem in order to "be there" for other people... its getting me nowhere. I hate the way I feel... always tired, short tempered, sad... I'm just plain tired of not taking care of myself.

I decided to change that. I started with sleep. I can deal with a lot of things... but not when I'm tired. I committed myself to at least 8 hours of sleep a night... NO MATTER WHAT! I've had to tell people "no" in order to stay true to my committment! But its paying off. I feel so much better! I have all the benefits of sleep.. more energy, more patience, and more concentration! GO figure!

I didn't stop there. Along with sleep, the need to change the way I eat became BLARINGLY obvious. My work schedule makes it extremely difficult to eat well. I don't enjoy cooking for myself so most of what I eat comes from the cafeteria at work or a restaurant along the way... eating poorly definitely takes it toll. Truth be told it was just an excuse. So I started keeping track of what goes in my mouth and if it wasn't fresh and/or prepared at home, I wasn't going to eat it. I set a calorie limit and goals of no longer drinking soda... only water ( and the occasional green tea..i need SOME caffeine); eating mainly fruits and vegetables and making sure I get enough protein and fiber to balance everything out. THIS IS HARD!!! It takes a lot of time to THINK about what I'm eating and if the calories are worth it. I also started working out more.... sometimes its just a 30 minute walk.. but it counts. So far I've lost about 6 pounds! YAY!!! Of course I want to lose weight but more importantly I want to be healthy. I work in a place where the results of years of poor lifestyle decisions are apparent and frightening! Its not something I can afford to ignore anymore.

What a difference two weeks and a change of focus can make. Spending time...deliberate attention directed toward myself has made a world of difference. I'm making changes that effect my physical body but the mental/emotional changes that come along with them are amazing. For the first time in my life I am spending time making myself happy and I love it. I feel happier and my spirit is more at peace. I am comfortable for the first time in a long time. I'm working on not feeling guilty... I still hate telling people no. But in time... in time...

Taking care of myself is hard work but I am enjoying it! I'm starting to feel like I deserve it. I'm sure with time it'll all come a little more naturally so I'm committed to that end!

I want one.....

folks I think my biological clock is ticking.... I know and am in direct contact with... count them 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! women who are pregnant or have in the last week or so, given birth. Today while I was sitting in the nail salon....I swear I saw 17 pregnant women walk past the ONLY window I had to gaze out! Not to mention grandmothers with their itty bitty granddaughters out for a stroll (no doubt to give mommy some much needed alone time), the dads taking their sons to tae kwon do (sp) down the street, and the countless parents pushing strollers in my apt. complex! I'm surrounded and I can't help but feel a little left out... I've always wanted to be a mom and I LOVE LOVE LOVE children... I just feel like my time is running out! It makes me so sad.... What's a girl to do? Sigh... maybe I'll get a puppy...

Happiness is....

the beach, shopping, sea food, my mom and grandmother in a small hotel room. I spent a few days at Orange Beach this past week with my 2 favorite people in the world. We took our bathing suits, flip flops, tanks tops and shorts and left town leaving stress, bad moods and pretenses at home and just had fun. We did nothing but everything we wanted too! We began the day on the beach just as the sun was coming up. We shopped bargains at the outlet mall. We ate unGodly amounts of delicious food. And ended each day right where it began... I needed this weekend so badly. My hometown was beginning to feel like four walls closing me in. I needed to escape and remember what it feels like to spend time with people who have only love for me. I needed to see God's handy work in plain view. I needed to be out of touch for a while and concentrate on renewing my spirit. I feel like a whole new person. Amazing what a vacation can do!!!! here are just a few pictures...

Oh the boredom..

I'm at work. It's 1:30 a.m. Everyone that I am responsible for is tucked in, sleeping like babies with beautiful blood pressures, chest pain free... and I am insanely bored. I am torn... to wish for something to do means someone's life has to take a turn for the worse... I CAN'T wish for that and yet there's only so much internet that I'm interested in surfing. oh dear this is a long night and I have 2 more to go in this work week!!!!! sigh!

Its hard to admit but....here goes

I have always been the happy go lucky type...not a care in the world. Always a smile on my face, never-meet-a stranger social butterfly, that's me! Depression runs in my family so I've always taken pride in my anti-depressive nature. Dealing with issues came easy to me...I talk 'em out and I'm done. I've seen people close to me struggle with depression and to be quite honest, I've found myself irritated in their inability to "just get over it", to shrug it off and move on. I couldn't understand the all consuming nature of the disease.... until recently. My immunity to the disease came to an abrupt end...out of nowhere. Well maybe not exactly out of nowhere...

I've spent the last 2 years losing myself. Its tough to figure out who you are, what you believe in, and what you are about in this life but it is oh so easy to lose sight it! My college years were the best time of my life.... a gift really. I spent 5 wonderful years learning from and with some amazing children of God. I learned of Christ's love and sacrifice for me. I learned how to worship Him in church and with my life. I served His people in this country and traveled to amazing places also in the name of service. My spirit was fed and challenged everyday. I became aware of my part in the mission of spreading the gospel and dedicated my life to serving Christ to the best of my abilities. The most important thing I learned is that my life DOES NOT work when it is not completely focused on Him. I learned I needed to begin and end my day in a prayerful, seeking manner

I thought that would be an easy task to maintain. I love God and am humbled at the gifts and blessings He constantly showers me with. I never imagined it would be so easy to lose sight of it all. The past couple of years I have spent a great deal of time focusing on being good at my job, meeting new people, being a good friend to those people, setting up a place to live, etc. In being so busy, I've found myself in a very lonely, dark place. I was finding it hard to sleep despite my utter exhaustion. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I became worrisome and anxious. Old issues I had long ago given to God reared their ugly heads and refused to let me see myself as anything other than a pitiful victim unworthy of anything good in this world. I could cry if I sat still long enough. And the craziest thing is, I couldn't figure out where all this came from. Why, all of a sudden, am I so depressed? This is not like me at all!!!!

I am not prayerful anymore. I don't seek God as soon as I open my eyes anymore. I don't pray my way through ordinary days much less through days when problems arise. I used to recognize when I needed the strength of God to carry me. Trying to carry myself has made me tired and susceptible a depressive, self-degregating mindset. I've lost my worshipful, thankful spirit. I don't have a community of faith anymore to help bear my burdens and free me from myself.

So I've go to find myself again. More importantly, I've got to find my God again. I've got to find the strength to trust in Him again to carry me. I guess now is the best time, when I'm too tired to carry myself. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Service with a smile... or thru gritted teeth...

I wanted to become a nurse because A.) I am infinitely fascinated with anything medical related. Just ask my poor mom who suffered through YEARS of countless t.v. shows like The Operation, Trauma: Life in the ER, Rescue 911, Mystery Diagnosis. And as I came to understand my relationship with Christ, B.) I realized my life's work MUST be dedicated to serving others. So needless to say I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job. I count it an honor to be a part of saving lives (or letting them go...whatever the case may be). My goal is to bring a sense of dignity and respect to the care I give my patients. The time patients spend in my part of the hospital is frightening and can be a bit de-humanizing if we aren't careful. I want to be a kind face or voice to my patients when their life seems to be turned upside down.

I don't know what it is.. if it is the people I've been asked to serve or if I'm off my "game" (so to speak) but lately, it has proven to be an EXTREME challenge to be in service and do it with a willing heart and spirit. I would never consider anything I do to deserve any thanks... EVER. Its a privilege. However, I'm feeling a bit taken advantage of and under estimated. I feel as though to be a nurse means my skills consist of fetching cold drinks and fluffing pillows. My education and experience stops there it seems. I'm finding it hard to turn the other cheek or bite my tongue when I'm being barked at or my intelligence insulted. In the back of my mind I realize my patients are under a great deal of stress and don't usually intend to be ugly or belittling. My patience is running thin, and I'm at times not as gracious as I should... be if at all. I'm afraid I've lost my servant's heart. Sometimes I wish I worked somewhere that actually requires me to say "May I take your order please?"

I'm not quite sure how people do it... for decades and remain beautiful, peaceful vessels of God's love. I'm thinking of Mother Teresa for example. (please don't think i'm comparing myself AT ALL) I just wonder how in the WORLD she did it??? Did she ever have those days where she completely lost it and wanted to just never go back out there? Did she ever think bad thoughts about the people she served, or was she ever glad her time with them was over? Did her smile ever secretly hide a tightly clenched jaw???

I love my job and the people I serve. i don't want to do anyting else in this world but be a nurse. Therefore, I don't want to be frustrated in doing it. I hate so much that I have days when I dread going into a patient's room, or resent a comment or request made to me. I don't want to begrudge someone else for having a bad day and taking it out on me. I want to always see my patients as children of God who deserve nothing but grace and mercy from me. My prayer is that God will guard my heart and spririt and keep my mind ever focused on the task at hand which to be Christ to them... to let Him love them through me, to speak His words, and to be His hands. I pray for God to remove any selfish ambitions and pride keeping me from selflessly serving. I need help to be slow to anger...and to be even slower to speak.

I think too that I need a vacation... that would certainly fix a bit of my frustration!! I think I'll start with a nap and take it from there.....

Pieces of Me

I recently read a blog posted by a woman who described a moment she had with God that was really profound to me. She is reading a book on grieving having lost a child a little over a month ago. The author suggested breaking something as a form of therapy. It sounded absurd but she decided to give it a try anyway, more so at the urging of that still, small voice she recognizes as God's voice. God seemed to take over the therapy session as she felt led by Him to put the shattered pitcher back together again. As she pieced together the tiny shards and slivers of pottery, she began to recognize this mess of a project as her life. The pieces were the moments and memories God allowed her to experience and grow through, the places He brought her into and out of. She spent time in each memory and saw God's presence and hand at work in her life. She cried as she watched God mend her life through her own hands and a pile of boken glass. She finally pieced the pitcher back together. She found it beautiful in all its imperfection. It wasn't perfect but neither is her life. The cracks and missing pieces or her life only allow space for God to seep in and fill her... mend her.

She found a peace in her spirit she hasn't felt for quite some time. She urged her readers to do the same thing... to left God show Himself to us through our broken, beautiful lives.

I think I'm going to do this. Lately, my pitcher feels like its overflowing and not necessarily with all the abundant blessings God bestows upon me. I feel stressed most of the time in my daily life. I tend to get to focused on things that aren't going exactly as planned. I think it would do me some good to give this a try and focus my attention on the beauty of my brokenness. I have to admit this scares me a little. The intensity of the raw emotion this exercise can bring up is hard to face. The healing and relief it can bring is intimidating. I think I tend to hold on to things out of my need to be in control... to let go is frightening. So I'm working up the courage to do it. I'll let you know how it goes... stay tuned.

Apartment Life... Gotta LOVE it!

I've had a little trouble sleeping this weekend... one of my friends is convinced I have something bothering me. I'm convinced I have a randomly occuring case of insomnia that tends to resolve itself as randomly as it appears. I was relieved last night to be extremely exhausted as I oozed into bed.... I just knew I was going to sleep until noon! I had no plans on my calendar today so sleeping the day away was comletely feasible. Or so i thought...

I live in an apartment and I love it... on most days. Today, however, I wish I lived underground. I was RUDELY awakened not at noon as I had hoped, but rather at 7:00 A.M.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't set my alarm....NOOOOO!!! I was RIPPED from my much needed, sorely missed, rejuvenating slumber by the deafening roar of weed wackers, leaf blowers and lawn mowers! The sweet sweet boys who keep my apartment complex prestinely manicured RUINED my plans to finally get a full night/day of sleep! Now I can't say that I blame them for getting an early start on their outdoor tasks (have you met Alabama in the spring/summer time?). But SERIOUSLY???!!!!! Couldn't they have just read my mind and miraculously realized that I desparately NEED this sleep??? Is that too much to ask??? And because my complex is not small, the whir of lawn equipment will last all day. Thus my day began at 7 a.m. instead of noon... there's a silver lining somewere, right? Wait... there is actually.. the yard work is done now so that means next week when I work, I should have plenty of opportunity for peaceful sleep! My fingers are crossed!

Trying to win against myself...

I have this thing that I do that really drives me crazy... literally! I can talk myself out of most anything...I have this little voice inside my head that is my worst critic in the world and I let her win! I let her put me down to the point that I am paralyzed and give up on myself. The things she says are absurd and destructive and in my analytical mind very untrue but I believe every word she says! I can't make her shut up.I let her tell me that I am ugly, and enormous and ridiculous to think I am worthy of someone else's time or effort, much less my own. I have no idea where this voice got its start (well I kinda do) or how to permanently make it stop! I wake up with good intentions of being good to myself and within 20 minutes I have talked myself into a puddle of nothingness and hardly have the strength to get out of bed. I'm never told anyone this so it feels a bit scary but I'm hoping to sepak louder than her here. So before she has a chance to defeat my good mood, I'm going to get Harper and we're going to the park. Here's to good vs. bad. Today is mine!

ahhhh

So today was one of those days that I love but I'm glad when its over because I usually ended up board out of my mind. By nature I don't sit still very well. I usually always have something to do, somewhere to go, someone to visit. every once in awhile, though i really relish a day when i have no agenda... no plans, nothing to clean, no nagging feeling of "I NEED to wash those clothes". I decided last night that I would not set the alarm and just see what happened. Now, I've done this before and been disappointed when my eyes BOLT open at 7 a.m. so my expectations started off kinda low. I woke up, again in an "all of a sudden" manner convinced it would only be 6:30-ish...No ma'am. It was (drum roll please... ) 3:30 P.M.!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe my eyes! YAY!!!! And then true to form I started feeling guilty for sleeping the day away. I decided to swallow those feelings and do whatever I wanted... including nothing at all. I started my day with some left over pizza (healthy I know), then I deep conditioned my hair while giving myself a microdermabrasion (PSA: I LOVE neutrogena's micro dermabrasion system...you should all try it!). I caught up on a week's worth of Oprah and got my much needed dose of fashion advice from Stacy and Clinton on What Not to Wear (we are indeed on a first name basis) . I fixed my internet connection and ate ice cream (low fat) out of a wine glass. So now I am watching a movie called The Perfect Man... perfect since I am looking for one such beast. I've not gotten out of my pj's all day... well except when I took a shower, only to put on a new pair. Long gone are the thoughts of laundry and dusting as well as the guilt for not doing either. I have had the most relaxing girly day imaginable!!! Today I love my life!

Life uncommon

I am a nurse. I say that to remind myself that my life is not as boring as I often think it is. I have enjoyed lately reading blogs posted by friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Most of them are in the middle of some really exciting and entertaining times in their lives. Whether it's raising children or embarking on the task of reshaping their minds or bodies, everyone seems to have incredible everyday experiences that are amazingly anti-mundane. I tend to get bogged down in the mire of the day to day sluggishness of my life. I want one of the lives I read online.

God gave me this week and all it's challenges to prove that my life has some pretty cool moments too. Every moment was filled with something to monitor or a new task to perform...some fire to put out. I had one patient who's life depended my management of 9 IV drips and 3 machines. Another patient stopped breathing unexpectedly and needed to be intubated while another patient became so disoriented that he pulled out his breathing tube. I had one patient only a few years older than myself with a heart anomaly so rare his doctor had never seen someone with his condition alive. We had several patients come and go having had their "broken hearts" fixed.

There is one patient that stands out in my mind more than the others I took care of this week. He is a fairly young man, in his fifties, with the heart function of a 90-year-old. He seems to be the type of man who had to fight through every moment of his life and he wasn't giving up now. We had taken care of him many times before. This admission was not unlike the others. His heart was failing him. He was having trouble breathing and this time the medicines weren't working but he wanted us to pull out all the stops to save his life. We all knew that death was eminent if we didn't.

I've seen people fight for their lives a lot. However their motivations can be very different. I've seen people fight to stay alive for their children, or grandchildren. I've seen them simply want to prove an arrogant doctor wrong. I have seen them so in love with love with life or their spouses that they simply can't imagine being without them. I've seen others fight because they are scared... scared that there isn't anything beyond this life, scared they haven't finished their "business" here, scared that they weren't faithful enough, or scared because they don't know what they believe. I think that's where my patient was. I don't want to assume anything but his demeanor seemed fearful and angry. His spirit seemed unable to be quieted. He eventually became unresponsive and required a machine to breathe for him as well as medicines to increase his heart function and maintain a blood pressure. But soon our efforts began to exhaust themselves and his vitals began to fade. We brought his mother in to be by his side. Even while sedated he fought the breathing tube indicating his mind and spirit were still present. His mother couldn't comfort him enough and in her desparation to soothe her son as he died, she asked us to recite Psalm 23. Most of us, even though this scripture is committed to memory, couldn't utter the words. Our tears choked us into silence. I kept my eyes on him as she prayed to Our Lord to help comfort her boy. As soon as she finished, as if it were exactly what he needed, he relaxed enough and stopped fighting. I watched as the words inspired by the Lord's grace, were enough to quiet a fighting spirit, enough to fill a searching heart. Those words were enough to usher someone into a peaceful death. I witnessed a beautiful miracle. I stood in the presence of God on an ordinary day at work. How many people get to say that? My only problem is that I don't notice it enough. I complain a lot about being tired or unappreciated or mundane. Shame on me! God blesses my life with the most incredible moments where I stand face to face with Him in the most raw form. My life is indeed a life uncommon... for that I feel truly blessed.