My vacuum is a CHAMP!!!!

i just spent an hour and a half vacuuming my car. To most this may seem a little extreme but Libby (my car) had about 6 years worth of Harper hair embedded into the carpet of the trunk space and floor board. So I kinda feel an hour and a half was a breeze to remove EVERY SINGLE dog hair! Now don't get me wrong, I have vacuumed my car many times since her purchase but nothing (including the industrial strength vacuum cleaners at professional car cleaning places) has been able to extract these furry nuisances. They were NO MATCH for my mean, green Eureka bag less vacuum! THis puppy is AMAZING! Libby is now fur-less and shiny like the day I bought her! I am no longer apologetic when new folks, or even old folks who are used to her fuzzy decor, hop in for a ride. YAY!!! I know Libby feels better too! She's like a new woman.. all clean and ready to ride... now, where should we go????

rain drops, lawyer meetings and light bulbs

Fay came through Saturday night dumping TONS of rain... and she's back again today doing the same thing! I love rainy days... but let me clarify. I love rainy days when I have no other plans but to stay home, chill on the couch and watch a Lifetime Television movie. There is nothing I hate more than being outdoors during a torrential downpour while trying to maintain a presentable appearance. I don't know about you but in the rain, my hair frizzes to unbelievable heights and my makeup melts to near disappearance. So imagine my frustration in having to attend a meeting this morning with the hospital attorney during the tornado warnings and blinding rainfall!! UGH!!!!

My meeting with the hospital attorney went well this morning. I think I blogged about this issue earlier. I am being sued as part of a lawsuit against the hospital I work for. I can't give a lot of details but I can tell you that my lawyer told me today that I have been ruled out as having anything to do with the reason the hospital is being sued. I had no doubt ;) It seems that the family's lawyer is just trying to get the family as much money as he can and there is no cap on how much money you can get by suing individuals like there is when you sue an organization like a hospital in general. Its a good idea... if the accusations were founded. But since they are not, my lawyer is going to file a motion on my behalf to dismiss this case. So that's good news! However, he said we may still have to present it to the judge and I may still have to sit through depositions. But that's OK. I'll do what I have to do to clear my name. All I have to say is THANK GOODNESS for accurate charting!

So since the rain has let up a bit... I ventured out to Wal-Mart because I had MAYBE 3 light bulbs in my house that were working and not nearly enough to replace them all. I decided I would try the new energy efficient ones...you know the swirly shaped light bulbs. I'm pretty excited about them. They claim to save hundreds of dollars a year on your power bill. My power bill isn't outrageous but who doesn't like to save money? So we'll see what happens. I can tell you that the light they put off is excellent! It's a bit like sitting on the sun in my apartment! WOW!!! I'll keep ya posted on my power bill savings!

So for now, I'm gonna put my frizzy hair in a ponytail, dry off, find a movie to watch, and listen to it rain... maybe I'll do some chore like laundry.. who knows.

Happy Monday!

There she BLOWS!!!

I'm listening to tropical Storm Fay blow through town! I LOVE IT! I only wish it were stormier. I know that is twisted (no pun intended) But there is nothing I love more than a good stormy day. I love curling up on the couch watching the rain blow in sideways while the trees hold on for dear life! Fay is not that bad right now though. Its just kinda grey, wet and gusty outside but my fingers are crossed for more... not displaced trees and ripped up rooftops but I'm definitely hoping for more drama from mother nature!

So Happy Saturday storm watching!

to travel or not to travel...

So as a nurse I have the option to stay around here and work and make pretty decent money and experience some pretty exciting things... ORRRRR I can contract myself out to other hospitals around the country/globe and make MORE money and experience exciting things in different surroundings, PLUS see the country. I've always thought that I would choose the latter of the two as my career path. During my college years I did a fair amount of moving around and now have a not so good taste in my mouth about living out of suitcases and not having one place to call home per se.

BUT... things at my current place of employment are not so good financially or administratively and I've been thinking and praying about trying my hand at travel nursing. I'm not 100% guaranteed that the hospital will renew my contract and I can't afford to live off the salary they pay full time nurses. Plus the management seems more concerned with dollar signs rather than patient care and I'm finding more and more that my values and work ethic clash with them.

However, I have some reservations about traveling. 1. My apartment. I don't want to leave my things unattended for 8-13 weeks at a time. And I don't know or trust anyone enough to sublet my apartment (and I'm not sure if my complex managers will allow it). And I don't like the idea or storing my belongings in a storage shed for who knows how long. 2. If I store my stuff, where will I come back to when I end a contract? I can't very well stay with my mom... my brother lives there and he and I do better when there is a LOT of silence and even more distance between us. 3. I'm nervous. I've gotten used to the doctors I work for and the procedures we take care of. I sorta know what I'm doing. I'm PRETTY sure health care is universal but I don't know. I'm afraid of looking dumb in someone else's playground. 4. I don't want to go by myself. plain and simple... I'm a social kinda girl and I want to do this with someone else. 5. I will miss my friends here SOOOO much. And that makes me sad enough to consider not going.

All that to get the real point of this blog. I've been talking to a friend of mine off and on about traveling together. She's on board completely but also has some of the same reservations. We've both been praying about it privately and trying to discern if now is the right time to go. I recently spoke with another nurse about traveling with us and she was interested going with us... turns out she is. Plus a friend of mine wants to get a place of his own and offered for us to share it with him so we could have a place to come home to and keep our things while we are away. So things look like they might be falling into place to go travel. There are still a lot of kinks that need to be ironed out and details that need to be planned. But the general consensus is that after the first of year, we'll shoot for all these changes. I ask for your prayers in trying to make sure this is a positive step in my life and career. God knows my concerns and I pray He will address them in no uncertain terms. He know me and knows I need CLEAR and precise road maps when it comes to directing the paths of my life. I need the courage to just take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.

I'll keep ya posted.

Catching up...

I haven't written in about 2 weeks or so.. maybe longer. I've been kinda out of commission. I had a terribly emotional week at work followed by a 3 day migraine (no doubt stressed induced) companied by 4 or 5 days of insomnia. So needless to say i haven't had much to blog about. Things are going well otherwise. Nothing exciting. I am so enjoying the Olympics! I am so stinking proud of our athletes! I think I've teared up everytime I've watched a medal ceremony!

My week off hasn't been all bad. I did manage to make it to a play at the Shakespeare Theatre! WEST SIDE STORY to be exact! YAY!!! It was so good! I had the BEST seats EVER! I even saw a guy changing backstage...haha. Bonus behind the scenes footage! HAHA!

I saw Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. It was just a cute as the first one. Although WAY more despressing than I had anticipated. The ending left an opening for more. I could see Sisterhood of the Traveling Wedding Dresses on the horizon ;)

Its been raining ALL day today! The high temperature was only in the 70's today! Unbelievable for this time of the year in Alabama. I am so excited about fall. But I know this is just a tease. Just gotta enjoy it while it lasts!

I'm about to begin another 7 days on... I'm not looking forward to it at all. Things have been a little tense between the nurses I work with and we've had some really intense situations lately... the kind that stick with you. (example.. my last patient had to be defibrillated 137 times in a 24 hour period... and he walked out of the hospital!) I'm praying for enough work to stay busy but NO DRAMA!!!! No sudden train wrecks or prolonged drain circling. No combative and/or crazy folks. No demanding princesses. No out of control God complexes. Please Lord let this be an ordinary week at the "office".

I'm excited about a few things coming up on the calendar...
1. The beginning of AU football! WAARRRR EAGLE!!!
2. The start of the fall season of reality tv and reality based sitcoms! Grey's in particular
3. a trip to ATL to see the broadway production of Wicked! Happy Birthday to me!!!

To end this ho-hum blog... here's a picture of Harper trying her best to convince me that it would be in her best interst to have some of what I am eating...she almost got her point across....almost :)

BIG ol' from the belly...sigh

OK so I've been awake for nearly an hour. I have to go to work tonight and I can't make myself get up and get ready. there is nothing I can say to myself that makes me want to walk through the doors of my unit. I have had another horrifyingly emotional week at work and its only my Wednesday... I have 4 more days not including tonight to go. Normally I love going to work. I love being a nurse. I love taking care of people. I love being challenged by the unexpected. I have to distance myself from my patients a lot of the times in the name of self preservation and mental alertness. I have to try to block myself from becoming too emotionally involved otherwise I would not be able to perform my sometimes unpleasant duties. However the last two weeks, I have had patients who had struck me to the core and have knocked me to my knees by their situations. I feel certain it is God speaking through them and their circumstances to teach me things about Him and myself and life in general. I recognize that and BELIEVE ME... 10-4 I'm reading loud and clear. But it's leaving me emotionally drained. All i want to do is sit and ponder or just be with my patients and my Lord. Unfortunately I have other things I have to think about at work. I have to focus. I have to be alert and on my game. I feel like I'm in a fog, a daze and on the verge of tears. While I appreciate very much the lessons God gives to me and very much want to see Him in action, I need some time to think and absorb and repair my heart. I need a break! I don't want to be disengaged at work. I feel I owe it to my patients to be able to connect to the person who quite literally sometimes hold theirs lives in their hands. But I'm going to fall apart if I keep going like this. I have got to somehow find a balance again. But no time now... I'm running late now. Sigh....chin up kid...just do whatcha gotta do.

My dog has no shame...

I think my dog is an exhibitionist! Seriously! Everytime we go out for a potty break, I take her to this area that the leasing office dictates she goes to do what dogs do...and honestly if I had to do my business outdoors, I would pick a spot like this. Its behind all the buildings, there are trees everywhere, no one is ever back there, no one can see from the parking lot. Its perfect! But this girl...she just stands there and looks at me like "what?". She WILL NOT go until we walk around to the front of the comlpex, near the lake...where its wide open, cars driving by, its well lit at night, people are usually walking with their children...and there's Harper on top of the grassy knoll-ish area for all the world to see...fertilizing the landscaping! UGH! WHY WHY WHY can't she just run around back to do this? Why the production in wide open spaces? AND she HAS to pick the area where I have to clean up after her. REALLY HARPER???? REALLY? grrr...

Its impossible... who knew?

Here's some randomness to get your day started. Did you know that is is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to eat 6 Saltine crackers in 1 minute? Well it is. I saw it tested! On Good Morning America, all four hosts tried it and all four failed! I never knew this NOR did I realize that this was someone's goal. Hmmm... the things you learn on early morning TV! Hope this enriched your day!

Happy Tuesday!

I HAVE to do it!!!

My pantry is bare. My fridge is reduced to a few blueberries and some cheese...oh and Diet Dr. Pepper. I HAVE to go grocery shopping! And I'm fighting it tooth and nail. I HATE HATE HATE IT!!!!! I thought I was just being lazy because I drag my feet everytime my cabinets get bare. But I've realized that grocery shopping is a source of anxiety for me. If I'm anything, I'm indecisive. True to Libra form, I would much rather let other people decide and I'll just follow a long. The grocery store is one decision after another. It should be easy...I'm feeding myself. I know what I like to eat. But I am trying to add variety to my life, especially to my diet and I get tired of eating the same ol' same ol'. I'm so tired of prepackaged foods I could scream and my mind is BLANK as I try to think of something new and fresh. I'm completely overwhelmed as I wander around trying to decide what would be good... what haven't I had before... what can I cook and freeze or what will last me all week long as I work...UGH! Decisions Decisions!

But I'm starving and I can't survive on blueberries and cheese... And although my spirit COULD possibly survive on Diet Dr. Pepper alone, eventually I'm gonna need some protein...sigh. So here I go....grrrr

Stuff in my head and on my calendar.

My work week goes from wednesday to wednesday so today begins a week worth of saturdays for me and I cannot tell you how glad I am for a weekend. We have hard days at work but rarely a full week of hard days. This week being the exception to the rule. I don't remember being this tired...EVER in my life. I tend to exaggerate a bit, sometimes, but HOLY COW I'm tired.

This is my plan for today...

1. Put on Pajamas or something of the sort....CHECK
2. Let Harper go potty....CHECK
3. breathe...doing it...
4...yeah that's where the list ends!

I'm doing nothing that requires ANY effort WHATSOEVER at all today... I MAY shower...I will probably eat something but past that folks... I don't wanna even think too hard.

Harper is finally legally a resident in my apartment. I had her hidden like contraband for about a week. I needed to pay the pet fee but the office is not open when I get home in the a.m. and closed when I get up to go to work. I was late coming home today so I was able to pay the fee. So yay! No fear of being busted by the bug guy or filter-changer guy.

Speaking of bug guy.... I have one...a bug guy... so tell me WHY did I find a roach chillin' on my livingroom rug the other day??? This should not be so! I pay good money for bug killing service! I expect there to be NO bugs within my bubble of existence. (again I reference the above comment about my exaggerating) But still... no bugs please! thanks!

I think I'm going to go shopping Friday. I have plans to go see West Side Story at the Alabama Shakespeare Festival this weekend. (SUPER excited!!!) The dress I'm planning to wear I think is calling out for an accessory or two.. maybe a cardigan or something of the sort. ORRRRR i might be hearing the call of a new outfit. Plus I'm nervous about something and I think retail therapy will help the situation.

I'm nervous because I got a call saying the hospital attorney wants me to attend a meeting about a lawsuit against the hospital. Apparently someone died and my name is in the chart along with a GAZILLION other people as having taken care of the patient. Now the family is suing the hospital for whatever reason so everone involved has to be interviewed. I really shouldn't be nervous. I have nothing to hide. It's just a reality check that my job is very serious. I've been told it's no big deal really, just a formality, but i've never been involved in a lawsuit before so I'm a bit on edge. The meeting is Friday @ 8 a.m. Honestly, I probably won't be able to shed any light on the subject. The patient was in our facility in 2006. Um.... I can't remember 2 days ago....much less 2006.... We'll see. But I'm thinking I'll shop to blow off steam. ;)

I want to take more pictures of my life. I wish I was creative enough to take fun random yet meaningful, storytelling type pictures. maybe I'll practice.... maybe i'll let you see... this is a random thought so don't hold me too it. but its a thought...

ok so how's that for a random blog? Here's a picture that kinda sums up work for me.. its a mess of wires and tubes and machines and chaos and it all makes sense to me. I'm beginning the "zoned out" mode in 3...2...1...

Happy Wednesday!




"life support"

caught her red handed...er...pawed

So Harper has known me for about 8 years now and for the most part, she has it pretty good in life. She gets treats and squeaky toys on a pretty regular basis. She gets the occasional people-food-mixed-with-dog-food dinner. She has free reign of the house when I'm not home. There are only a couple of rules. Walking on the leash (we don't pull, we stay with Aubrey, we don't cross the street until she says so, we stop when she says) she's gotten down to a science. The furniture rule... well...She KNOWS there are 2 and only 2 places she is NOT, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, allowed. That would be my bed.... and the couch. My bed I don't worry about seeing as it is too tall for her not-so-good back legs to boost her up on. The couch though takes no effort for her at all and closely resembles the biggest dog bed you've ever seen. And since my dog thinks she deserves royal treatment, she often tests my seriousness of this rule. Its not that I want her to be uncomfortable. Hence I bought a huge pillow for her to lounge on...on the floor. I just can't stand dog hair on the furniture. Actually I LOATHE it! And I.. (what word is stronger than loathe?) the hair left on my clothes especially since I wear a lot of black. SO I have ingrained in her little brain that the couch is OFF LIMITS!!!!

That little sneak has only been with me at my new apartment, with my new couches for a week-ish. Darn if I didn't open the door this morning to find her tail LAID OUT.. PASSED OUT on my couch! I've never seen her jump so fast! I could help but laugh at the pitiful, I-know-I've-done-wrong-please-don't-kill-me look plastered on that cute little mug of hers. She was scolded but I'm not sure how effective discipline is though laughter... we'll see. I may have to resort to barricades....now i'm off to find that big roll of masking tape to de-fuzz my couch as Harper snoozes in the corner. I think she's trying to lay low. haha!

Happy Sunday!

a couple of the hardest days ever....

*disclaimer* this blog is long winded so hang on...

Since I'm a nurse and since I work in a Cardiac Critical Care Unit, it should go without saying that I experience a lot of death. I have seen death in all shapes, sizes, creeds, and colors. I've seen beautiful ones where an old woman was gently eased to sleep in the arms of her sweetheart of 63 years as he whispered "wait for me at the gait baby" in her ear. I've watched a young man scream in agony, the most gut wrenching scream as his 23 yr old fiance and unborn child slipped away. I've gotten messy during CODES where the doctors and nurses have fought for hours to reverse/stop the inevitable. I've worked on people for days, keeping vigil, changes IVs, and seeing them through close calls. I've seen families wrestle with last wishes and nagging reality. I've turned off breathing machines and stopped life sustaining drips. Through it all, I've cried, been disappointed, relieved, tired, scared, mad, touched, blessed, and in the presence of God. Usually I walk away from a death feeling as though it was an effort well made; that we did all we could have possibly done or we allowed for dignity in those last moments. Never have I felt so helpless as I have the past 2 days.

I had the honor of taking care of a man with whom I, from the moment we met, felt connected to. He was homeless, had no family to speak of and was VERY sick. His personality was priceless. He was happy despite his dire situation and I could sense a peace in his spirit...kinda like he was just along for the ride. Not a care in the world it seemed, although I'm sure he had his fair share of trials and worries.

I'll try not to bore you with medical terms but just to give you an idea of how sick he was... he had what we call 3 vessel disease. This means the 3 main arteries that supply oxygenated blood to your heart muscle were occluded. It was determined that each vessel was 95% blocked meaning he need Bypass Surgery (open heart surgery). Unfortunately he also had some other health problems that made it impossible for him to have this surgery. His lungs were so stiff from years of smoking that they would not support him well enough for him to survive. There was nothing we could do. So my job was to keep him comfortable, control his pain and help him breathe. Easy enough right?

During my first night with him, we started off fine. His breathing was a bit labored but he assured me he was OK; that he normally breathed that way. He didn't seem to be distressed but I was unnerved by how hard it was for him to breathe. I kept an eye on his O2 sats and tried not to worry. Well...he didn't stay OK for long. A heart that is deprived of oxygen gets angry and wants attention and that is exactly what his did. the doctors had to place a device in his aorta to try and give his heart a break as well as supply it with more oxygen. This device requires the patient lie flat on their back and not move AT ALL. At one point his heart rate grew as high as 175 beats per minute. (normal is 60-90) His blood pressure was 60/40 (normal is 120/80). He began to experience pain and have a harder time breathing. Here's where it gets hard for me. Can you imagine lying flat on your back with your tummy (his was big) putting pressure on your already stressed lungs while your heart is beating like you've run a marathon and you have muscle cramps up and down your back and legs from not moving for over 12 hours? he was in agony. he kept reaching out for someone to hold his hand and help him through his misery. He was begging me to make his pain stop. My hands were tied. I gave him meds to slow his heart and increase his blood pressure to keep him alive but because his pressure was so low, pain medicine was out of the question. I would have killed him.

So there I stood for hours with this man at death's door, wanting peace, wanting relief, begging for help...I had everything he needed and it was just out of my reach. I felt utterly helpless and the deepest part of my core ached to help him. I felt like I was watching someone drown and I just couldn't throw the life preserver far enough. I have all the skills and medicines to save his life but I can't use them. All I could do was hold his hand, wipe the cold sweat away, and apologize to him for allowing him to suffer. I wanted desperately to do more...to do something different. After a couple of hours stifled panic, I got his pressure up enough to give him some medicine to ease the pain. Soon after I hear him calling for me. I entered the room to find a completely different man. He was smiling from ear to ear and reaching for me. "There she is!", he said. "I just wanted to tell you I feel good". "Whatever you gave me, I feel so good now". All i could do was smile through the tears. I felt better too.

My second night with him was alot different. His heart was back in "normal" rhythm. His blood pressure was unstable, but supported by medications. He slept a lot because we found a medicine that didn't effect his blood pressure. He decided to allow his death to occur naturally so there would be no heroic measures, only peace and comfort. He was scared at times though. He asked me not to leave him alone. So I sat with him and watched him sleep, catching his eye every now and again as he checked to make sure he wasn't alone. His heart and breathing began to slow at 4:30 this morning and I held his hand as it all stopped. He wasn't alone and he doesn't hurt anymore. I am relieved for him and thankful that I wasn't as helpless in the end.

my silver lining day...

so here's some personal info... i woke up today feeling like my uterus was gnawing at my backbone and I truly felt like I should have a small human or something of the like for my pain and suffering... I hurt just that bad. So when a friend of mine called and suggested we have lunch together.... NO WAY!!!! was the only answer I considered... at first... I decided to put my pain aside and showered. I did my hair and make up and put on a cute sun dress in hopes I would feel better. It helped a little. We had hamburgers and frosty beverages for lunch... neither of which I have had in a very long time. (my uterine discomfort fading into a faint memory at this point). We decided the day would not be complete without a stop at the local World Market where I found the cutest necklace. Its 4 strand of orange-ish beads that scream WAR EAGLE when paired with my cute navy sun dress! YAY! (I'm feeling so ready for football season!) Well, since we were so close to a plethora of other retail venues, we felt obligated to stop by and offer our support. I found a to-die-for hand bag at Dillards and an AWESOME new mirror for my living room at Kirklands....and to top it all off... ALL ON SALE!!! Yes sir! No full price for me! As if this day couldn't get any better...cramps long gone... yummy-delish-oh-so-fattening-lunch....and sales! I'd say it turned out to be a pretty good day. I'm feeling refreshed, rejuventated and ready to face a long work week ahead. Well I wouldn't got that far but I'm definitely feeling a lot better than when I first opened my eyes...


my cutsie necklace

my cutsie new bag

my cutsie new mirror...which i'm sure will look better on the wall ;)

Its official... I have ADD

I've always suspected this but in retracing the events of the past oh say... 20 minutes, I'm convinced. See what had happened was... I was reorganizing the contents of my closet, which had begun to spill out into the middle of my bathroom floor (for those of you who have seen my closet know that this is a huge feat and might resemble a small but mighty explosion). Anyway, all of a sudden I look down to realize that I was on the computer. How did that happen? I remember thinking about the salad I had for lunch today and wondering if it were really as good for me as advertized. I guess decided in the middle of cleaning that I needed to find out how many calories I had consumed...then I found myself on myspace leaving comments on my friends' pages and of course I needed to check my email which triggered the need to catch up on blogs. Somewhere in all this surfing I remembered an Aramaic phrase I wanted to learn the correct spelling and translation for so... Off I went to a website that would tell me. I realized in the middle of all this searching and researching that I was supposed to be cleaning out my closet!And so now here I am...writing a blog while talking on the phone and making a mental note of about 20 other things I need to do in the next little bit/days. My mind feels like a fly caught in a screen door... trying desperately to get somewhere but pinging out of control from one spot to the next...aaahhhhh!!!

ok... I'm closing this thing up and I am going to fold clothes and ONLY fold clothes...maybe :) we'll see how long I last!

Let's see what kinda fun brunettes have...

I change my hair like I change my shoes... ALOT! I've been wanting to go brown for a while... so I did. I think I like it. Its subtle but its definitely brown. Here's a pic... excuse the expression ;)

I'm hard work...

I took a nice long look at my time and energy and where I spend most of it and very little of it has to do with myself or my well being. I give up everything from time to sleep to self esteem in order to "be there" for other people... its getting me nowhere. I hate the way I feel... always tired, short tempered, sad... I'm just plain tired of not taking care of myself.

I decided to change that. I started with sleep. I can deal with a lot of things... but not when I'm tired. I committed myself to at least 8 hours of sleep a night... NO MATTER WHAT! I've had to tell people "no" in order to stay true to my committment! But its paying off. I feel so much better! I have all the benefits of sleep.. more energy, more patience, and more concentration! GO figure!

I didn't stop there. Along with sleep, the need to change the way I eat became BLARINGLY obvious. My work schedule makes it extremely difficult to eat well. I don't enjoy cooking for myself so most of what I eat comes from the cafeteria at work or a restaurant along the way... eating poorly definitely takes it toll. Truth be told it was just an excuse. So I started keeping track of what goes in my mouth and if it wasn't fresh and/or prepared at home, I wasn't going to eat it. I set a calorie limit and goals of no longer drinking soda... only water ( and the occasional green tea..i need SOME caffeine); eating mainly fruits and vegetables and making sure I get enough protein and fiber to balance everything out. THIS IS HARD!!! It takes a lot of time to THINK about what I'm eating and if the calories are worth it. I also started working out more.... sometimes its just a 30 minute walk.. but it counts. So far I've lost about 6 pounds! YAY!!! Of course I want to lose weight but more importantly I want to be healthy. I work in a place where the results of years of poor lifestyle decisions are apparent and frightening! Its not something I can afford to ignore anymore.

What a difference two weeks and a change of focus can make. Spending time...deliberate attention directed toward myself has made a world of difference. I'm making changes that effect my physical body but the mental/emotional changes that come along with them are amazing. For the first time in my life I am spending time making myself happy and I love it. I feel happier and my spirit is more at peace. I am comfortable for the first time in a long time. I'm working on not feeling guilty... I still hate telling people no. But in time... in time...

Taking care of myself is hard work but I am enjoying it! I'm starting to feel like I deserve it. I'm sure with time it'll all come a little more naturally so I'm committed to that end!

I want one.....

folks I think my biological clock is ticking.... I know and am in direct contact with... count them 7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! women who are pregnant or have in the last week or so, given birth. Today while I was sitting in the nail salon....I swear I saw 17 pregnant women walk past the ONLY window I had to gaze out! Not to mention grandmothers with their itty bitty granddaughters out for a stroll (no doubt to give mommy some much needed alone time), the dads taking their sons to tae kwon do (sp) down the street, and the countless parents pushing strollers in my apt. complex! I'm surrounded and I can't help but feel a little left out... I've always wanted to be a mom and I LOVE LOVE LOVE children... I just feel like my time is running out! It makes me so sad.... What's a girl to do? Sigh... maybe I'll get a puppy...

Happiness is....

the beach, shopping, sea food, my mom and grandmother in a small hotel room. I spent a few days at Orange Beach this past week with my 2 favorite people in the world. We took our bathing suits, flip flops, tanks tops and shorts and left town leaving stress, bad moods and pretenses at home and just had fun. We did nothing but everything we wanted too! We began the day on the beach just as the sun was coming up. We shopped bargains at the outlet mall. We ate unGodly amounts of delicious food. And ended each day right where it began... I needed this weekend so badly. My hometown was beginning to feel like four walls closing me in. I needed to escape and remember what it feels like to spend time with people who have only love for me. I needed to see God's handy work in plain view. I needed to be out of touch for a while and concentrate on renewing my spirit. I feel like a whole new person. Amazing what a vacation can do!!!! here are just a few pictures...

Oh the boredom..

I'm at work. It's 1:30 a.m. Everyone that I am responsible for is tucked in, sleeping like babies with beautiful blood pressures, chest pain free... and I am insanely bored. I am torn... to wish for something to do means someone's life has to take a turn for the worse... I CAN'T wish for that and yet there's only so much internet that I'm interested in surfing. oh dear this is a long night and I have 2 more to go in this work week!!!!! sigh!

Its hard to admit but....here goes

I have always been the happy go lucky type...not a care in the world. Always a smile on my face, never-meet-a stranger social butterfly, that's me! Depression runs in my family so I've always taken pride in my anti-depressive nature. Dealing with issues came easy to me...I talk 'em out and I'm done. I've seen people close to me struggle with depression and to be quite honest, I've found myself irritated in their inability to "just get over it", to shrug it off and move on. I couldn't understand the all consuming nature of the disease.... until recently. My immunity to the disease came to an abrupt end...out of nowhere. Well maybe not exactly out of nowhere...

I've spent the last 2 years losing myself. Its tough to figure out who you are, what you believe in, and what you are about in this life but it is oh so easy to lose sight it! My college years were the best time of my life.... a gift really. I spent 5 wonderful years learning from and with some amazing children of God. I learned of Christ's love and sacrifice for me. I learned how to worship Him in church and with my life. I served His people in this country and traveled to amazing places also in the name of service. My spirit was fed and challenged everyday. I became aware of my part in the mission of spreading the gospel and dedicated my life to serving Christ to the best of my abilities. The most important thing I learned is that my life DOES NOT work when it is not completely focused on Him. I learned I needed to begin and end my day in a prayerful, seeking manner

I thought that would be an easy task to maintain. I love God and am humbled at the gifts and blessings He constantly showers me with. I never imagined it would be so easy to lose sight of it all. The past couple of years I have spent a great deal of time focusing on being good at my job, meeting new people, being a good friend to those people, setting up a place to live, etc. In being so busy, I've found myself in a very lonely, dark place. I was finding it hard to sleep despite my utter exhaustion. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I became worrisome and anxious. Old issues I had long ago given to God reared their ugly heads and refused to let me see myself as anything other than a pitiful victim unworthy of anything good in this world. I could cry if I sat still long enough. And the craziest thing is, I couldn't figure out where all this came from. Why, all of a sudden, am I so depressed? This is not like me at all!!!!

I am not prayerful anymore. I don't seek God as soon as I open my eyes anymore. I don't pray my way through ordinary days much less through days when problems arise. I used to recognize when I needed the strength of God to carry me. Trying to carry myself has made me tired and susceptible a depressive, self-degregating mindset. I've lost my worshipful, thankful spirit. I don't have a community of faith anymore to help bear my burdens and free me from myself.

So I've go to find myself again. More importantly, I've got to find my God again. I've got to find the strength to trust in Him again to carry me. I guess now is the best time, when I'm too tired to carry myself. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.