Just wondering

Do you ever wonder when the "grand scheme of things"
won't be just a scheme?

Ever wonder when whether I enjoy my next breath,
depends on whether you enjoy yours?

Ever wonder when families will no longer be endangered?

Do you ever wonder if "and justice for all"
will ever ring true?

I wonder if we'll ever trust in God
rather than our own hands;

If we'll ever see the beauty behind the masks
and far beyond the bones and pretend that make us shine.

Will you see the Light that is trying so hard to melt the mud
that molds itself into every crevice of your openness
and mine...?

Will you ever know that the creator of the stars and oceans of your world
also created those dancers in mine?

And though the rhythms we live by have different times,
are all written on the same page,
by the same hands,
the same mind,
the same love...

Do you know that the path you travel
is just an extension of mine;

And that the Great Divide that separates us
is the abscence of the Love that makes us blind...?

Don't you see that time is turnig the kaleidescope in which we live,
and you and I are the pieces and shapes and hues
that tumble and collide,
weaving a masterpiece for the Eyes above and the Minds beyond
the chaos.

When will the dying dreams and the fading somedays become
what we live and die for
in these moments we call today?

Please....just once..

I'm gonna be kinda vague here just cuz... I am most certain that life is not now nor every will be fair. I've tried at times to convince myself otherwise... that everything happens for a reason (as cliche as it sounds). that the bittersweet moment that happen are bittersweet for a reason...to make the really sweet parts about life all the more, well...sweet. But frankly, I'm having a hard time believing that to be true. I'm getting pretty tired of taking all the hard knocks and let downs with a grain of salt and trying to learn from them. I'm sick of trying to find logic or wisdom from the things that hurt. I can't keep trying to make sense of the things that my mind can't fathom. I want something to be fair...just once. Something come along at the right time, for the right reason, and be a perfect fit.... and better yet be blatently obvious. Is that too much to ask????

And all of a sudden my world flipped....

So I was enjoying a regular ol' day last week...I had just gotten off work, looking forward to going to bed, when someone put the brakes on the entire world as I knew it! I got an urgent messages from a friend of mine to call my roommate IMMEDIATELY. I don't normally call her at 7 a.m. for fear of waking her up early (something that should never happen under any circumstances!). But at the urgency of my friend, i called only to have her tell me to "just come home." My heart dropped to my stomach at the sound of her voice. So I hang up and drive home... my mind racing so fast, I can't comprehend the thoughts. I could tell something was drastically wrong when immediately when I walked in the door!

I NEVER in a MILLION years would have imagined what came out of her mouth! "My mom was killed".....huh? I can't tell you the sickness i felt in the pit of my stomach or how dizzy my head felt....My mind couldn't comprehend but at the same time I knew it was true. How in the WORLD could this happen!?! To top things off...it wasn't an accident that took her life. Her boyfriend, the man who claimed to love her and wanted to marry her, shot and killed her with a rifle...like some wild game he was used to hunting. He left her alone on the kitchen floor to be found by her 16 year old daughter ...the same daughter who found her grandmother dying from a heart attack just one year ago! Luckily, the guy was found later the next day and as police were moving in to arrest him, he shot and killed himself. I'm not sure if that is any sort of justice in this whole thing. The only comfort it brings right now is that a trial is not something else Chrissie has to her list of things to take care of.

So my life has been surreal for the past week and a half. I've been numb. I've been mad. I've cried more tears than I ever thought possible. My heart literally feels ripped to shreds. I've been scared, my nights are sleepless now thanks to the image of someone I called "mom" lying dead in her kitchen and the bullet holes that prove this really did happen. I've had to help plan a funeral including picking out a casket. Chrissie has had to begin the process of getting custody of her sister...so she'll be a mom soon. We are in the process of packing up her mother's house and moving it to ours. And its the holiday season!!!! This crap does NOT happen to ordinary people! I keep thinking back over all that has happened, thinking I'm looking in on someone else's life...not so! It has been unbelievable. chrissie has had to take on incredible responsibilty that NO ONE should have to do...folks she had to call and schedule her mother's homicide scene cleaned up professionally! Who has to do this stuff????

We've been asked over and over what people can do for her/us...its so hard to figure that out... or what to say. There is absolutely nothing people can say or do to make this any better...except prayer. Even that is hard right now. I do pray that God will ease Chrissie's and Amber's pain. That they will feel His arms around them, and when they don't feel Him, that they will feel the presence of their friends. I pray they can talk to God about how they feel and that He will talk back to them to comfort their hurt.

I went back to work last night after about 10 days off. It was strange. I felt upside down while everyone around me was going on with life as usual. I was completely overwhelmed... and of course my patient was in the process of dying....GREAT! So I felt myself thrust into reality...life goes on right? Not sure if I'm ready for all that. How do you go back to normal when your world is knocked off its axis??? Guess only time will tell....

The Cruise

Ahhhh... I just got home from 5 days or MUCH needed R&R!!!! I went o Key West and Cozumel with 9 other people...some I knew well...others not so much... but that didn't matter as by the end...we were all best buds! I had nothing short of a magical time. The sights were beautiful, the refreshments helped me forget what I left behind... ;) i didn't think about work or bills or obligations once! I spent all dy everyday outside by the pool, in the ocean, or getting sweaty in order to cool off by the pool.. what a life! I even contemplated becoming a cruise ship nurse! how cool would that be??? I have tons of pictures (all of which need some sort of explanation due to compromising content ;))...i will post them online soon.

Isn't it true that all good things must come to an end? In my life that usually happens rather quickly, without warning so as to leave me completely dumbfounded. Such is the case with my return home. I found my cat (whom I'v have for 8 years now) very very sick. He couldn't walk, had not eaten, could barely hold his head up...i won't bore you with details but turns out he had cancer and nothing could be done.. I had to end my vacation with the death of Dakota!!!! Saddest day EVER!!!!!

Other than that...which i am still reeling from....I had an amazing time and CANNOT wait to do it again!!!

Oh how time DRAGS by....

OH MY GOSH!!! I have about one week and 2 days until I leave for vacation!!!!!!!!! I haven't been on vacation in ...oh...probably 4 years! I'd say I'm a little overdue! And now its a little over a week away and it feels like time is DRAGGING by!!!!!!! It feels like being a kid waiting to go to Disney World! I am totally excited but I also have a ton to do to get ready! Why can't someone do that part for me?...my mom used to pack for vacation now its up to me...ugh...oh the perils of being an adult!

Speaking of time dragging by... the past couple of nights at work (i work in an intensive care unit, for those of you who may be new to me)...have been UNBELIEVABLY slow! I have been BORED out of my mind! I have had time to master the game of sudoku...For those of you who do know me...I cannot STAND to sit on my laurels and do nothing... so i find myself in a quandry... do i just make peace with my boredom or do i wish for something more to do? Wishing for more to do = someone is really sick and getting worse...hmmm (with much disdain) boredom it is!

my first blog :)

ok so i've wanted to try this whole "blogging" thing for a while...seems like "everybody's doing it". And as a loyal fan of the band wagon... here i am. i can guarantee that this will probably offer no insite or wsdom into the true meaning of life but...maybe you'll just get a kick out of getting a little glimpse into my "inner most thoughts" or the random junk that makes me a true dork ;). so here goes nothing...

Random thought 1:

I don't know random facts about myself. I mean I do but I can't seem to recall them spontaneously. Here's what I mean: lately, I've been online a lot, you know, myspace, blogspot, etc. and in doing so I've been asked to fill out a lot of surveys containing random "about me" questions. And what I've discovered is that I don't have a list of "favorites" on tap and ready to dispense in order to define who I am. I don't know all my favorite movies, or books, or music, or my favorite food, my ideal date...is this weird? Does everybody else know these things about themselves at any given moment? Now, I do know the deeper things about me... like where my insecurities come from, how i feel about homosexuality and the church, is drinking right or wrong...you know things like that ...but ask me about whether I prefer sweet or salty and I'll have to get back to you on that. Maybe I need to make a list. I guess I should know the surface level stuff about myself too...right? I'm sure in the grand scheme of things this doesn't matter... just something i noticed. Stay tuned... more to come!