Its hard to admit but....here goes

I have always been the happy go lucky type...not a care in the world. Always a smile on my face, never-meet-a stranger social butterfly, that's me! Depression runs in my family so I've always taken pride in my anti-depressive nature. Dealing with issues came easy to me...I talk 'em out and I'm done. I've seen people close to me struggle with depression and to be quite honest, I've found myself irritated in their inability to "just get over it", to shrug it off and move on. I couldn't understand the all consuming nature of the disease.... until recently. My immunity to the disease came to an abrupt end...out of nowhere. Well maybe not exactly out of nowhere...

I've spent the last 2 years losing myself. Its tough to figure out who you are, what you believe in, and what you are about in this life but it is oh so easy to lose sight it! My college years were the best time of my life.... a gift really. I spent 5 wonderful years learning from and with some amazing children of God. I learned of Christ's love and sacrifice for me. I learned how to worship Him in church and with my life. I served His people in this country and traveled to amazing places also in the name of service. My spirit was fed and challenged everyday. I became aware of my part in the mission of spreading the gospel and dedicated my life to serving Christ to the best of my abilities. The most important thing I learned is that my life DOES NOT work when it is not completely focused on Him. I learned I needed to begin and end my day in a prayerful, seeking manner

I thought that would be an easy task to maintain. I love God and am humbled at the gifts and blessings He constantly showers me with. I never imagined it would be so easy to lose sight of it all. The past couple of years I have spent a great deal of time focusing on being good at my job, meeting new people, being a good friend to those people, setting up a place to live, etc. In being so busy, I've found myself in a very lonely, dark place. I was finding it hard to sleep despite my utter exhaustion. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I became worrisome and anxious. Old issues I had long ago given to God reared their ugly heads and refused to let me see myself as anything other than a pitiful victim unworthy of anything good in this world. I could cry if I sat still long enough. And the craziest thing is, I couldn't figure out where all this came from. Why, all of a sudden, am I so depressed? This is not like me at all!!!!

I am not prayerful anymore. I don't seek God as soon as I open my eyes anymore. I don't pray my way through ordinary days much less through days when problems arise. I used to recognize when I needed the strength of God to carry me. Trying to carry myself has made me tired and susceptible a depressive, self-degregating mindset. I've lost my worshipful, thankful spirit. I don't have a community of faith anymore to help bear my burdens and free me from myself.

So I've go to find myself again. More importantly, I've got to find my God again. I've got to find the strength to trust in Him again to carry me. I guess now is the best time, when I'm too tired to carry myself. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Service with a smile... or thru gritted teeth...

I wanted to become a nurse because A.) I am infinitely fascinated with anything medical related. Just ask my poor mom who suffered through YEARS of countless t.v. shows like The Operation, Trauma: Life in the ER, Rescue 911, Mystery Diagnosis. And as I came to understand my relationship with Christ, B.) I realized my life's work MUST be dedicated to serving others. So needless to say I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job. I count it an honor to be a part of saving lives (or letting them go...whatever the case may be). My goal is to bring a sense of dignity and respect to the care I give my patients. The time patients spend in my part of the hospital is frightening and can be a bit de-humanizing if we aren't careful. I want to be a kind face or voice to my patients when their life seems to be turned upside down.

I don't know what it is.. if it is the people I've been asked to serve or if I'm off my "game" (so to speak) but lately, it has proven to be an EXTREME challenge to be in service and do it with a willing heart and spirit. I would never consider anything I do to deserve any thanks... EVER. Its a privilege. However, I'm feeling a bit taken advantage of and under estimated. I feel as though to be a nurse means my skills consist of fetching cold drinks and fluffing pillows. My education and experience stops there it seems. I'm finding it hard to turn the other cheek or bite my tongue when I'm being barked at or my intelligence insulted. In the back of my mind I realize my patients are under a great deal of stress and don't usually intend to be ugly or belittling. My patience is running thin, and I'm at times not as gracious as I should... be if at all. I'm afraid I've lost my servant's heart. Sometimes I wish I worked somewhere that actually requires me to say "May I take your order please?"

I'm not quite sure how people do it... for decades and remain beautiful, peaceful vessels of God's love. I'm thinking of Mother Teresa for example. (please don't think i'm comparing myself AT ALL) I just wonder how in the WORLD she did it??? Did she ever have those days where she completely lost it and wanted to just never go back out there? Did she ever think bad thoughts about the people she served, or was she ever glad her time with them was over? Did her smile ever secretly hide a tightly clenched jaw???

I love my job and the people I serve. i don't want to do anyting else in this world but be a nurse. Therefore, I don't want to be frustrated in doing it. I hate so much that I have days when I dread going into a patient's room, or resent a comment or request made to me. I don't want to begrudge someone else for having a bad day and taking it out on me. I want to always see my patients as children of God who deserve nothing but grace and mercy from me. My prayer is that God will guard my heart and spririt and keep my mind ever focused on the task at hand which to be Christ to them... to let Him love them through me, to speak His words, and to be His hands. I pray for God to remove any selfish ambitions and pride keeping me from selflessly serving. I need help to be slow to anger...and to be even slower to speak.

I think too that I need a vacation... that would certainly fix a bit of my frustration!! I think I'll start with a nap and take it from there.....

Pieces of Me

I recently read a blog posted by a woman who described a moment she had with God that was really profound to me. She is reading a book on grieving having lost a child a little over a month ago. The author suggested breaking something as a form of therapy. It sounded absurd but she decided to give it a try anyway, more so at the urging of that still, small voice she recognizes as God's voice. God seemed to take over the therapy session as she felt led by Him to put the shattered pitcher back together again. As she pieced together the tiny shards and slivers of pottery, she began to recognize this mess of a project as her life. The pieces were the moments and memories God allowed her to experience and grow through, the places He brought her into and out of. She spent time in each memory and saw God's presence and hand at work in her life. She cried as she watched God mend her life through her own hands and a pile of boken glass. She finally pieced the pitcher back together. She found it beautiful in all its imperfection. It wasn't perfect but neither is her life. The cracks and missing pieces or her life only allow space for God to seep in and fill her... mend her.

She found a peace in her spirit she hasn't felt for quite some time. She urged her readers to do the same thing... to left God show Himself to us through our broken, beautiful lives.

I think I'm going to do this. Lately, my pitcher feels like its overflowing and not necessarily with all the abundant blessings God bestows upon me. I feel stressed most of the time in my daily life. I tend to get to focused on things that aren't going exactly as planned. I think it would do me some good to give this a try and focus my attention on the beauty of my brokenness. I have to admit this scares me a little. The intensity of the raw emotion this exercise can bring up is hard to face. The healing and relief it can bring is intimidating. I think I tend to hold on to things out of my need to be in control... to let go is frightening. So I'm working up the courage to do it. I'll let you know how it goes... stay tuned.

Apartment Life... Gotta LOVE it!

I've had a little trouble sleeping this weekend... one of my friends is convinced I have something bothering me. I'm convinced I have a randomly occuring case of insomnia that tends to resolve itself as randomly as it appears. I was relieved last night to be extremely exhausted as I oozed into bed.... I just knew I was going to sleep until noon! I had no plans on my calendar today so sleeping the day away was comletely feasible. Or so i thought...

I live in an apartment and I love it... on most days. Today, however, I wish I lived underground. I was RUDELY awakened not at noon as I had hoped, but rather at 7:00 A.M.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't set my alarm....NOOOOO!!! I was RIPPED from my much needed, sorely missed, rejuvenating slumber by the deafening roar of weed wackers, leaf blowers and lawn mowers! The sweet sweet boys who keep my apartment complex prestinely manicured RUINED my plans to finally get a full night/day of sleep! Now I can't say that I blame them for getting an early start on their outdoor tasks (have you met Alabama in the spring/summer time?). But SERIOUSLY???!!!!! Couldn't they have just read my mind and miraculously realized that I desparately NEED this sleep??? Is that too much to ask??? And because my complex is not small, the whir of lawn equipment will last all day. Thus my day began at 7 a.m. instead of noon... there's a silver lining somewere, right? Wait... there is actually.. the yard work is done now so that means next week when I work, I should have plenty of opportunity for peaceful sleep! My fingers are crossed!

Trying to win against myself...

I have this thing that I do that really drives me crazy... literally! I can talk myself out of most anything...I have this little voice inside my head that is my worst critic in the world and I let her win! I let her put me down to the point that I am paralyzed and give up on myself. The things she says are absurd and destructive and in my analytical mind very untrue but I believe every word she says! I can't make her shut up.I let her tell me that I am ugly, and enormous and ridiculous to think I am worthy of someone else's time or effort, much less my own. I have no idea where this voice got its start (well I kinda do) or how to permanently make it stop! I wake up with good intentions of being good to myself and within 20 minutes I have talked myself into a puddle of nothingness and hardly have the strength to get out of bed. I'm never told anyone this so it feels a bit scary but I'm hoping to sepak louder than her here. So before she has a chance to defeat my good mood, I'm going to get Harper and we're going to the park. Here's to good vs. bad. Today is mine!

ahhhh

So today was one of those days that I love but I'm glad when its over because I usually ended up board out of my mind. By nature I don't sit still very well. I usually always have something to do, somewhere to go, someone to visit. every once in awhile, though i really relish a day when i have no agenda... no plans, nothing to clean, no nagging feeling of "I NEED to wash those clothes". I decided last night that I would not set the alarm and just see what happened. Now, I've done this before and been disappointed when my eyes BOLT open at 7 a.m. so my expectations started off kinda low. I woke up, again in an "all of a sudden" manner convinced it would only be 6:30-ish...No ma'am. It was (drum roll please... ) 3:30 P.M.!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe my eyes! YAY!!!! And then true to form I started feeling guilty for sleeping the day away. I decided to swallow those feelings and do whatever I wanted... including nothing at all. I started my day with some left over pizza (healthy I know), then I deep conditioned my hair while giving myself a microdermabrasion (PSA: I LOVE neutrogena's micro dermabrasion system...you should all try it!). I caught up on a week's worth of Oprah and got my much needed dose of fashion advice from Stacy and Clinton on What Not to Wear (we are indeed on a first name basis) . I fixed my internet connection and ate ice cream (low fat) out of a wine glass. So now I am watching a movie called The Perfect Man... perfect since I am looking for one such beast. I've not gotten out of my pj's all day... well except when I took a shower, only to put on a new pair. Long gone are the thoughts of laundry and dusting as well as the guilt for not doing either. I have had the most relaxing girly day imaginable!!! Today I love my life!

Life uncommon

I am a nurse. I say that to remind myself that my life is not as boring as I often think it is. I have enjoyed lately reading blogs posted by friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Most of them are in the middle of some really exciting and entertaining times in their lives. Whether it's raising children or embarking on the task of reshaping their minds or bodies, everyone seems to have incredible everyday experiences that are amazingly anti-mundane. I tend to get bogged down in the mire of the day to day sluggishness of my life. I want one of the lives I read online.

God gave me this week and all it's challenges to prove that my life has some pretty cool moments too. Every moment was filled with something to monitor or a new task to perform...some fire to put out. I had one patient who's life depended my management of 9 IV drips and 3 machines. Another patient stopped breathing unexpectedly and needed to be intubated while another patient became so disoriented that he pulled out his breathing tube. I had one patient only a few years older than myself with a heart anomaly so rare his doctor had never seen someone with his condition alive. We had several patients come and go having had their "broken hearts" fixed.

There is one patient that stands out in my mind more than the others I took care of this week. He is a fairly young man, in his fifties, with the heart function of a 90-year-old. He seems to be the type of man who had to fight through every moment of his life and he wasn't giving up now. We had taken care of him many times before. This admission was not unlike the others. His heart was failing him. He was having trouble breathing and this time the medicines weren't working but he wanted us to pull out all the stops to save his life. We all knew that death was eminent if we didn't.

I've seen people fight for their lives a lot. However their motivations can be very different. I've seen people fight to stay alive for their children, or grandchildren. I've seen them simply want to prove an arrogant doctor wrong. I have seen them so in love with love with life or their spouses that they simply can't imagine being without them. I've seen others fight because they are scared... scared that there isn't anything beyond this life, scared they haven't finished their "business" here, scared that they weren't faithful enough, or scared because they don't know what they believe. I think that's where my patient was. I don't want to assume anything but his demeanor seemed fearful and angry. His spirit seemed unable to be quieted. He eventually became unresponsive and required a machine to breathe for him as well as medicines to increase his heart function and maintain a blood pressure. But soon our efforts began to exhaust themselves and his vitals began to fade. We brought his mother in to be by his side. Even while sedated he fought the breathing tube indicating his mind and spirit were still present. His mother couldn't comfort him enough and in her desparation to soothe her son as he died, she asked us to recite Psalm 23. Most of us, even though this scripture is committed to memory, couldn't utter the words. Our tears choked us into silence. I kept my eyes on him as she prayed to Our Lord to help comfort her boy. As soon as she finished, as if it were exactly what he needed, he relaxed enough and stopped fighting. I watched as the words inspired by the Lord's grace, were enough to quiet a fighting spirit, enough to fill a searching heart. Those words were enough to usher someone into a peaceful death. I witnessed a beautiful miracle. I stood in the presence of God on an ordinary day at work. How many people get to say that? My only problem is that I don't notice it enough. I complain a lot about being tired or unappreciated or mundane. Shame on me! God blesses my life with the most incredible moments where I stand face to face with Him in the most raw form. My life is indeed a life uncommon... for that I feel truly blessed.

the one where i'm sad.. for a minute

I was in the middle of a pitty party where I was feeling particularly lonely when one of my friends called to wish me Happy Nurse's Day. How wonderful is God to send little pick- me- ups just when I need them... I stand corrected God

Its been quite a WHILE

So yeah.. 2 years since i've posted anything.. I have excuses i promise. I've moved several times, gone back to school, become a nurse, had a computer, not had a computer, not had anything to say... had WAY too much to say. So i've just not written... But lately I've become fascinated with blogging again, mainly reading other people's blogs. I am in love with how creatively they describe their days and how easily they glean wisdom from simple moments. I've come to a time in my life where I CRAVE the wisdom of God and the serenity of dwelling in His grace and peace again. I know now more than ever that He is available in our every day.

I've noticed lately that somewhere I've lost my center. On the journey to becoming who i'm supposed to be I've lost who I was. I used to like who I was and enjoyed my own company but now I'm noticing that I've lost my smile... not just the one on my face but the one my spirit brings forth. I can remember a time when the face of God and the touch of His hand was as obvious to me as flowers in the springtime... it was that simple for me to see Him and feel His presence in my life. Now I think my life has gotten in the way of the seeing the simple things. I'm so busy waiting for big things to happen... I guess like the big miracles of the Bible that I've failed to see the smaller miracles (if miracles can be small) that surround me daily. I am feeling, now more than ever, the urge to slow down... to be still... and to see Him in the common everyday happenings. As corny as it sounds... I need to see him in the face of a child or the beauty of the sunset.. my spirit needs to pray without ceasing and be aware that His hand is in everything I do or say and that I am right where i need to be... I've gotten lost in all the bad things that have happened in my life and forgotten that God has brought me through them all. I used to have such a spirit of gratitude and surrender. Now my spirit seems broken and beaten and fighting against it all.

So i guess my point to this blog is to remember how to see God in my everyday life... good and bad. I want my thankful, calm spirit back. I think it all starts with awareness and gratitude. So that's where I'm gonna start. So thanks to all you bloggers out there who write about your own awarness of God and how He works in your life... it is such an inspriation to me!