Its hard to admit but....here goes

I have always been the happy go lucky type...not a care in the world. Always a smile on my face, never-meet-a stranger social butterfly, that's me! Depression runs in my family so I've always taken pride in my anti-depressive nature. Dealing with issues came easy to me...I talk 'em out and I'm done. I've seen people close to me struggle with depression and to be quite honest, I've found myself irritated in their inability to "just get over it", to shrug it off and move on. I couldn't understand the all consuming nature of the disease.... until recently. My immunity to the disease came to an abrupt end...out of nowhere. Well maybe not exactly out of nowhere...

I've spent the last 2 years losing myself. Its tough to figure out who you are, what you believe in, and what you are about in this life but it is oh so easy to lose sight it! My college years were the best time of my life.... a gift really. I spent 5 wonderful years learning from and with some amazing children of God. I learned of Christ's love and sacrifice for me. I learned how to worship Him in church and with my life. I served His people in this country and traveled to amazing places also in the name of service. My spirit was fed and challenged everyday. I became aware of my part in the mission of spreading the gospel and dedicated my life to serving Christ to the best of my abilities. The most important thing I learned is that my life DOES NOT work when it is not completely focused on Him. I learned I needed to begin and end my day in a prayerful, seeking manner

I thought that would be an easy task to maintain. I love God and am humbled at the gifts and blessings He constantly showers me with. I never imagined it would be so easy to lose sight of it all. The past couple of years I have spent a great deal of time focusing on being good at my job, meeting new people, being a good friend to those people, setting up a place to live, etc. In being so busy, I've found myself in a very lonely, dark place. I was finding it hard to sleep despite my utter exhaustion. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I became worrisome and anxious. Old issues I had long ago given to God reared their ugly heads and refused to let me see myself as anything other than a pitiful victim unworthy of anything good in this world. I could cry if I sat still long enough. And the craziest thing is, I couldn't figure out where all this came from. Why, all of a sudden, am I so depressed? This is not like me at all!!!!

I am not prayerful anymore. I don't seek God as soon as I open my eyes anymore. I don't pray my way through ordinary days much less through days when problems arise. I used to recognize when I needed the strength of God to carry me. Trying to carry myself has made me tired and susceptible a depressive, self-degregating mindset. I've lost my worshipful, thankful spirit. I don't have a community of faith anymore to help bear my burdens and free me from myself.

So I've go to find myself again. More importantly, I've got to find my God again. I've got to find the strength to trust in Him again to carry me. I guess now is the best time, when I'm too tired to carry myself. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.