Service with a smile... or thru gritted teeth...

I wanted to become a nurse because A.) I am infinitely fascinated with anything medical related. Just ask my poor mom who suffered through YEARS of countless t.v. shows like The Operation, Trauma: Life in the ER, Rescue 911, Mystery Diagnosis. And as I came to understand my relationship with Christ, B.) I realized my life's work MUST be dedicated to serving others. So needless to say I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job. I count it an honor to be a part of saving lives (or letting them go...whatever the case may be). My goal is to bring a sense of dignity and respect to the care I give my patients. The time patients spend in my part of the hospital is frightening and can be a bit de-humanizing if we aren't careful. I want to be a kind face or voice to my patients when their life seems to be turned upside down.

I don't know what it is.. if it is the people I've been asked to serve or if I'm off my "game" (so to speak) but lately, it has proven to be an EXTREME challenge to be in service and do it with a willing heart and spirit. I would never consider anything I do to deserve any thanks... EVER. Its a privilege. However, I'm feeling a bit taken advantage of and under estimated. I feel as though to be a nurse means my skills consist of fetching cold drinks and fluffing pillows. My education and experience stops there it seems. I'm finding it hard to turn the other cheek or bite my tongue when I'm being barked at or my intelligence insulted. In the back of my mind I realize my patients are under a great deal of stress and don't usually intend to be ugly or belittling. My patience is running thin, and I'm at times not as gracious as I should... be if at all. I'm afraid I've lost my servant's heart. Sometimes I wish I worked somewhere that actually requires me to say "May I take your order please?"

I'm not quite sure how people do it... for decades and remain beautiful, peaceful vessels of God's love. I'm thinking of Mother Teresa for example. (please don't think i'm comparing myself AT ALL) I just wonder how in the WORLD she did it??? Did she ever have those days where she completely lost it and wanted to just never go back out there? Did she ever think bad thoughts about the people she served, or was she ever glad her time with them was over? Did her smile ever secretly hide a tightly clenched jaw???

I love my job and the people I serve. i don't want to do anyting else in this world but be a nurse. Therefore, I don't want to be frustrated in doing it. I hate so much that I have days when I dread going into a patient's room, or resent a comment or request made to me. I don't want to begrudge someone else for having a bad day and taking it out on me. I want to always see my patients as children of God who deserve nothing but grace and mercy from me. My prayer is that God will guard my heart and spririt and keep my mind ever focused on the task at hand which to be Christ to them... to let Him love them through me, to speak His words, and to be His hands. I pray for God to remove any selfish ambitions and pride keeping me from selflessly serving. I need help to be slow to anger...and to be even slower to speak.

I think too that I need a vacation... that would certainly fix a bit of my frustration!! I think I'll start with a nap and take it from there.....