My dog has no shame...

I think my dog is an exhibitionist! Seriously! Everytime we go out for a potty break, I take her to this area that the leasing office dictates she goes to do what dogs do...and honestly if I had to do my business outdoors, I would pick a spot like this. Its behind all the buildings, there are trees everywhere, no one is ever back there, no one can see from the parking lot. Its perfect! But this girl...she just stands there and looks at me like "what?". She WILL NOT go until we walk around to the front of the comlpex, near the lake...where its wide open, cars driving by, its well lit at night, people are usually walking with their children...and there's Harper on top of the grassy knoll-ish area for all the world to see...fertilizing the landscaping! UGH! WHY WHY WHY can't she just run around back to do this? Why the production in wide open spaces? AND she HAS to pick the area where I have to clean up after her. REALLY HARPER???? REALLY? grrr...

Its impossible... who knew?

Here's some randomness to get your day started. Did you know that is is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to eat 6 Saltine crackers in 1 minute? Well it is. I saw it tested! On Good Morning America, all four hosts tried it and all four failed! I never knew this NOR did I realize that this was someone's goal. Hmmm... the things you learn on early morning TV! Hope this enriched your day!

Happy Tuesday!

I HAVE to do it!!!

My pantry is bare. My fridge is reduced to a few blueberries and some cheese...oh and Diet Dr. Pepper. I HAVE to go grocery shopping! And I'm fighting it tooth and nail. I HATE HATE HATE IT!!!!! I thought I was just being lazy because I drag my feet everytime my cabinets get bare. But I've realized that grocery shopping is a source of anxiety for me. If I'm anything, I'm indecisive. True to Libra form, I would much rather let other people decide and I'll just follow a long. The grocery store is one decision after another. It should be easy...I'm feeding myself. I know what I like to eat. But I am trying to add variety to my life, especially to my diet and I get tired of eating the same ol' same ol'. I'm so tired of prepackaged foods I could scream and my mind is BLANK as I try to think of something new and fresh. I'm completely overwhelmed as I wander around trying to decide what would be good... what haven't I had before... what can I cook and freeze or what will last me all week long as I work...UGH! Decisions Decisions!

But I'm starving and I can't survive on blueberries and cheese... And although my spirit COULD possibly survive on Diet Dr. Pepper alone, eventually I'm gonna need some protein...sigh. So here I go....grrrr

Stuff in my head and on my calendar.

My work week goes from wednesday to wednesday so today begins a week worth of saturdays for me and I cannot tell you how glad I am for a weekend. We have hard days at work but rarely a full week of hard days. This week being the exception to the rule. I don't remember being this tired...EVER in my life. I tend to exaggerate a bit, sometimes, but HOLY COW I'm tired.

This is my plan for today...

1. Put on Pajamas or something of the sort....CHECK
2. Let Harper go potty....CHECK
3. breathe...doing it...
4...yeah that's where the list ends!

I'm doing nothing that requires ANY effort WHATSOEVER at all today... I MAY shower...I will probably eat something but past that folks... I don't wanna even think too hard.

Harper is finally legally a resident in my apartment. I had her hidden like contraband for about a week. I needed to pay the pet fee but the office is not open when I get home in the a.m. and closed when I get up to go to work. I was late coming home today so I was able to pay the fee. So yay! No fear of being busted by the bug guy or filter-changer guy.

Speaking of bug guy.... I have one...a bug guy... so tell me WHY did I find a roach chillin' on my livingroom rug the other day??? This should not be so! I pay good money for bug killing service! I expect there to be NO bugs within my bubble of existence. (again I reference the above comment about my exaggerating) But still... no bugs please! thanks!

I think I'm going to go shopping Friday. I have plans to go see West Side Story at the Alabama Shakespeare Festival this weekend. (SUPER excited!!!) The dress I'm planning to wear I think is calling out for an accessory or two.. maybe a cardigan or something of the sort. ORRRRR i might be hearing the call of a new outfit. Plus I'm nervous about something and I think retail therapy will help the situation.

I'm nervous because I got a call saying the hospital attorney wants me to attend a meeting about a lawsuit against the hospital. Apparently someone died and my name is in the chart along with a GAZILLION other people as having taken care of the patient. Now the family is suing the hospital for whatever reason so everone involved has to be interviewed. I really shouldn't be nervous. I have nothing to hide. It's just a reality check that my job is very serious. I've been told it's no big deal really, just a formality, but i've never been involved in a lawsuit before so I'm a bit on edge. The meeting is Friday @ 8 a.m. Honestly, I probably won't be able to shed any light on the subject. The patient was in our facility in 2006. Um.... I can't remember 2 days ago....much less 2006.... We'll see. But I'm thinking I'll shop to blow off steam. ;)

I want to take more pictures of my life. I wish I was creative enough to take fun random yet meaningful, storytelling type pictures. maybe I'll practice.... maybe i'll let you see... this is a random thought so don't hold me too it. but its a thought...

ok so how's that for a random blog? Here's a picture that kinda sums up work for me.. its a mess of wires and tubes and machines and chaos and it all makes sense to me. I'm beginning the "zoned out" mode in 3...2...1...

Happy Wednesday!




"life support"

caught her red handed...er...pawed

So Harper has known me for about 8 years now and for the most part, she has it pretty good in life. She gets treats and squeaky toys on a pretty regular basis. She gets the occasional people-food-mixed-with-dog-food dinner. She has free reign of the house when I'm not home. There are only a couple of rules. Walking on the leash (we don't pull, we stay with Aubrey, we don't cross the street until she says so, we stop when she says) she's gotten down to a science. The furniture rule... well...She KNOWS there are 2 and only 2 places she is NOT, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, allowed. That would be my bed.... and the couch. My bed I don't worry about seeing as it is too tall for her not-so-good back legs to boost her up on. The couch though takes no effort for her at all and closely resembles the biggest dog bed you've ever seen. And since my dog thinks she deserves royal treatment, she often tests my seriousness of this rule. Its not that I want her to be uncomfortable. Hence I bought a huge pillow for her to lounge on...on the floor. I just can't stand dog hair on the furniture. Actually I LOATHE it! And I.. (what word is stronger than loathe?) the hair left on my clothes especially since I wear a lot of black. SO I have ingrained in her little brain that the couch is OFF LIMITS!!!!

That little sneak has only been with me at my new apartment, with my new couches for a week-ish. Darn if I didn't open the door this morning to find her tail LAID OUT.. PASSED OUT on my couch! I've never seen her jump so fast! I could help but laugh at the pitiful, I-know-I've-done-wrong-please-don't-kill-me look plastered on that cute little mug of hers. She was scolded but I'm not sure how effective discipline is though laughter... we'll see. I may have to resort to barricades....now i'm off to find that big roll of masking tape to de-fuzz my couch as Harper snoozes in the corner. I think she's trying to lay low. haha!

Happy Sunday!

a couple of the hardest days ever....

*disclaimer* this blog is long winded so hang on...

Since I'm a nurse and since I work in a Cardiac Critical Care Unit, it should go without saying that I experience a lot of death. I have seen death in all shapes, sizes, creeds, and colors. I've seen beautiful ones where an old woman was gently eased to sleep in the arms of her sweetheart of 63 years as he whispered "wait for me at the gait baby" in her ear. I've watched a young man scream in agony, the most gut wrenching scream as his 23 yr old fiance and unborn child slipped away. I've gotten messy during CODES where the doctors and nurses have fought for hours to reverse/stop the inevitable. I've worked on people for days, keeping vigil, changes IVs, and seeing them through close calls. I've seen families wrestle with last wishes and nagging reality. I've turned off breathing machines and stopped life sustaining drips. Through it all, I've cried, been disappointed, relieved, tired, scared, mad, touched, blessed, and in the presence of God. Usually I walk away from a death feeling as though it was an effort well made; that we did all we could have possibly done or we allowed for dignity in those last moments. Never have I felt so helpless as I have the past 2 days.

I had the honor of taking care of a man with whom I, from the moment we met, felt connected to. He was homeless, had no family to speak of and was VERY sick. His personality was priceless. He was happy despite his dire situation and I could sense a peace in his spirit...kinda like he was just along for the ride. Not a care in the world it seemed, although I'm sure he had his fair share of trials and worries.

I'll try not to bore you with medical terms but just to give you an idea of how sick he was... he had what we call 3 vessel disease. This means the 3 main arteries that supply oxygenated blood to your heart muscle were occluded. It was determined that each vessel was 95% blocked meaning he need Bypass Surgery (open heart surgery). Unfortunately he also had some other health problems that made it impossible for him to have this surgery. His lungs were so stiff from years of smoking that they would not support him well enough for him to survive. There was nothing we could do. So my job was to keep him comfortable, control his pain and help him breathe. Easy enough right?

During my first night with him, we started off fine. His breathing was a bit labored but he assured me he was OK; that he normally breathed that way. He didn't seem to be distressed but I was unnerved by how hard it was for him to breathe. I kept an eye on his O2 sats and tried not to worry. Well...he didn't stay OK for long. A heart that is deprived of oxygen gets angry and wants attention and that is exactly what his did. the doctors had to place a device in his aorta to try and give his heart a break as well as supply it with more oxygen. This device requires the patient lie flat on their back and not move AT ALL. At one point his heart rate grew as high as 175 beats per minute. (normal is 60-90) His blood pressure was 60/40 (normal is 120/80). He began to experience pain and have a harder time breathing. Here's where it gets hard for me. Can you imagine lying flat on your back with your tummy (his was big) putting pressure on your already stressed lungs while your heart is beating like you've run a marathon and you have muscle cramps up and down your back and legs from not moving for over 12 hours? he was in agony. he kept reaching out for someone to hold his hand and help him through his misery. He was begging me to make his pain stop. My hands were tied. I gave him meds to slow his heart and increase his blood pressure to keep him alive but because his pressure was so low, pain medicine was out of the question. I would have killed him.

So there I stood for hours with this man at death's door, wanting peace, wanting relief, begging for help...I had everything he needed and it was just out of my reach. I felt utterly helpless and the deepest part of my core ached to help him. I felt like I was watching someone drown and I just couldn't throw the life preserver far enough. I have all the skills and medicines to save his life but I can't use them. All I could do was hold his hand, wipe the cold sweat away, and apologize to him for allowing him to suffer. I wanted desperately to do more...to do something different. After a couple of hours stifled panic, I got his pressure up enough to give him some medicine to ease the pain. Soon after I hear him calling for me. I entered the room to find a completely different man. He was smiling from ear to ear and reaching for me. "There she is!", he said. "I just wanted to tell you I feel good". "Whatever you gave me, I feel so good now". All i could do was smile through the tears. I felt better too.

My second night with him was alot different. His heart was back in "normal" rhythm. His blood pressure was unstable, but supported by medications. He slept a lot because we found a medicine that didn't effect his blood pressure. He decided to allow his death to occur naturally so there would be no heroic measures, only peace and comfort. He was scared at times though. He asked me not to leave him alone. So I sat with him and watched him sleep, catching his eye every now and again as he checked to make sure he wasn't alone. His heart and breathing began to slow at 4:30 this morning and I held his hand as it all stopped. He wasn't alone and he doesn't hurt anymore. I am relieved for him and thankful that I wasn't as helpless in the end.

my silver lining day...

so here's some personal info... i woke up today feeling like my uterus was gnawing at my backbone and I truly felt like I should have a small human or something of the like for my pain and suffering... I hurt just that bad. So when a friend of mine called and suggested we have lunch together.... NO WAY!!!! was the only answer I considered... at first... I decided to put my pain aside and showered. I did my hair and make up and put on a cute sun dress in hopes I would feel better. It helped a little. We had hamburgers and frosty beverages for lunch... neither of which I have had in a very long time. (my uterine discomfort fading into a faint memory at this point). We decided the day would not be complete without a stop at the local World Market where I found the cutest necklace. Its 4 strand of orange-ish beads that scream WAR EAGLE when paired with my cute navy sun dress! YAY! (I'm feeling so ready for football season!) Well, since we were so close to a plethora of other retail venues, we felt obligated to stop by and offer our support. I found a to-die-for hand bag at Dillards and an AWESOME new mirror for my living room at Kirklands....and to top it all off... ALL ON SALE!!! Yes sir! No full price for me! As if this day couldn't get any better...cramps long gone... yummy-delish-oh-so-fattening-lunch....and sales! I'd say it turned out to be a pretty good day. I'm feeling refreshed, rejuventated and ready to face a long work week ahead. Well I wouldn't got that far but I'm definitely feeling a lot better than when I first opened my eyes...


my cutsie necklace

my cutsie new bag

my cutsie new mirror...which i'm sure will look better on the wall ;)

Its official... I have ADD

I've always suspected this but in retracing the events of the past oh say... 20 minutes, I'm convinced. See what had happened was... I was reorganizing the contents of my closet, which had begun to spill out into the middle of my bathroom floor (for those of you who have seen my closet know that this is a huge feat and might resemble a small but mighty explosion). Anyway, all of a sudden I look down to realize that I was on the computer. How did that happen? I remember thinking about the salad I had for lunch today and wondering if it were really as good for me as advertized. I guess decided in the middle of cleaning that I needed to find out how many calories I had consumed...then I found myself on myspace leaving comments on my friends' pages and of course I needed to check my email which triggered the need to catch up on blogs. Somewhere in all this surfing I remembered an Aramaic phrase I wanted to learn the correct spelling and translation for so... Off I went to a website that would tell me. I realized in the middle of all this searching and researching that I was supposed to be cleaning out my closet!And so now here I am...writing a blog while talking on the phone and making a mental note of about 20 other things I need to do in the next little bit/days. My mind feels like a fly caught in a screen door... trying desperately to get somewhere but pinging out of control from one spot to the next...aaahhhhh!!!

ok... I'm closing this thing up and I am going to fold clothes and ONLY fold clothes...maybe :) we'll see how long I last!